Jokes

[MB-NY]

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S ..

SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET
 

AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
 

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
 

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...
 

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
 

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL ..
 

COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...
 

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM ..
 

HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY

 

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT',
 

SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
 

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

More water on screen.

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

Apr 15, 2013 7:49:22 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

        Me too!

[Genuine GA Peach]

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

a. 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
b. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
c. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
d. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
e. 53 to flame the spell checkers;
f. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
g. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
h. another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
i. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp";
j. 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
k. 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's;
l. 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
m. 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
n. 44 to ask what is a "FAQ";
o. 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?";
p. 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs";
q. 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Genuine GA Peach]

this one is for Virgil:

 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."





and this one is for the YM crowd:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.  "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.  

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

jumper


Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary. "I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me." "And what did you say?" I just said, "The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks

[gambler]

A new Kroger supermarket opened in Macomb, Michigan.


It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.





I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[gambler]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[tigerpause]

Job Performance Reviews
These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews.

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[tigerpause]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

[tigerpause]

[Genuine GA Peach]

what did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?






man...this music SUCKS!
****************************
why did the hamburger go to the gym?







to work on his buns
*************************
what did the guru say to the hotdog vendor?








make me one with everything

[Genuine GA Peach]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong b**ch out the window."

[Genuine GA Peach]

The once was a man from Siberia,
Who thought he was very inferior,
He did to a Nun,
What shouldn't be done,
And now, she's a Mother Superior!!

[Genuine GA Peach]

[toomuchreality]

 


GOOD ONES!


Sometimes I'm surprised there are still good jokes out there, I/we haven't heard.
You all are great at finding them. Thanks for posting them, when you do!

      -    

And no arguing. That makes this thread even better! 





I hope you all are doing well, and that you have a MARVELOUS day!!!

Enjoy!

[Genuine GA Peach]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There’s a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt’s riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments, he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they’re having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[NoNamePerson]

[Genuine GA Peach]

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but b**ch since you got here."

[Jaguar]

Apr 17, 2013 18:23:01 GMT -5 Genuine GA Peach said:

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

a. 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
b. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
c. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
d. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
e. 53 to flame the spell checkers;
f. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
g. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
h. another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
i. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp";
j. 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
k. 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's;
l. 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
m. 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
n. 44 to ask what is a "FAQ";
o. 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?";
p. 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs";
q. 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

This is freaking hilarious and dang so true. YM for sure.

[tigerpause]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms---calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names!"

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago..."

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

Advice From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

[tigerpause]

Did you hear the one about the frustrated musician?

His flute went flat in the middle of "The Merry Widow"...

[MB-NY]

Just me and Leroy

A man stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything.
Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
The sequester caused Elmer's job's to be cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

Sounds about right....

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."