Jokes

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

Make me stop!    Make me stop!




LOL...

[toomuchreality]

Okay... Just one more

[mollyanna58]

 

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol

This is a story of self control, marksmanship and superior tactics with an
itsy-bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a
huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been
protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took...
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk
pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection… "

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double-crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

[toomuchreality]

[gambler]

Got the flu

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[gambler]

I saw a Doe coming out from behind some bushes

She was muttering to herself "thats the last time I do that for 2 bucks"

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

My turn to finally contribute:

The instructions for the Ikea bookcase are just a diagram of a couple yelling at each other.
Shari VanderWerf

[gambler]

Dear Mom

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.


Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx

[gambler]

The penis study

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[NoNamePerson]

Well, it finally happened

[tigerpause]

The phone rang about 3 A.M. and the sleepy blonde answered, "Hello?"

The voice on the other end said, "Is this five, five, five, eleven, eleven?"

"No, replied the blonde, "this is five, five, five, one, one, one, one."

"Sorry to bother you," said the voice.

"That;'s okay," said the blonde. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

[tigerpause]

God and the Computer

www.pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/creation.html

[gambler]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front
porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[gambler]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the 

swamp near Washington DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it".

"Well" says the big 'gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you", replied the small 'gator. "Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down at the other end of the swamp at the parking lot, by the capitol" "Same here. Hmmm.How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of those Lexus cars and wait for them to unlock the car door. Then I jump out and grab them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them".

"AH!" says the big 'gator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting enough nourishment. See, by the time you done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase".

[gambler]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE

[tigerpause]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

  LMAO once again.

[toomuchreality]

What did the dumb blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!

Why do dumb blonde girls have bruises in their bellybuttons? Because blonde boys aren't that smart either.

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

[tigerpause]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN

Hey you, I resemble those remarks

[tigerpause]

Apr 5, 2013 20:27:15 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN

Hey you, I resemble those remarks

LOL I wasn't too happy after I read them either.  

[CarolinaKat]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]