Jokes

[gambler]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing

who makes the Best Patients to operate on.



The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I

like to see accountants on my operating table

because when you open them up, everything

inside is numbered.'



The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but

you should try electricians! Everything

inside them is color coded.'



The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I

really think librarians are the best, everything

inside them is in alphabetical order.'



The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:

'You know, I like Construction workers...

Those guys always understand when you have a

few parts left over.'



But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC

shut them all up when He observed: 'You're

all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to

operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls,

no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the

ass are interchangeable.'

[gambler]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you
really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[Peace Of Mind]

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized at this stage of life I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me! 1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, but 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

[kent]

Not PC but cute nonetheless....

THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING

The day it all started was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we by any chance, having any landscaping done today?"

[gambler]

18 holes

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

[gambler]

One day

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

[gambler]

Andy Rooney talks about sex

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensives to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[toomuchreality]

Kudos to you all!  I enjoy this thread.  






Thanks for posting!    

[gambler]

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

This lady is giving a party for her

granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[gambler]

Only the Irish

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman,
"but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar call McTavish's.
Now the land there goes out of his way for the locals so much that, when you buy four drinks,
he'll by the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin' ", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar.
Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid; all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

[Peace Of Mind]

Another one from my FIL. 

Old Timers Sex
>
> This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! 
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 
>
> 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
>
>
> 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 
>
>  
>
> 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
>
>
>
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 
>
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a
chuckle he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
>
>>
>
> The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. 
>
> Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. 
>

>The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. 
>
> As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... 
>
>
> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. 
>
> This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. 
> Finally, they both collapse, panting onthe ground. 
>
>
>The policeman is amazed. 
>
> He thinks he has learned something about lifeand old age that he didn't know. 
>

>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle totheir feet and put their clothes back on. 
>
> The policeman,is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
> So, as the couple pass him, he says to them, 
>

>'Excuse me, but that was something else.
> You must've had a fantasticsex life together.
>Is there some sort of secret to this?' 
>
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply... 

 

 

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 5, 2013 23:07:00 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Another one from my FIL. 

Old Timers Sex
>
> This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! 
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 
>
> 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
>
>
> 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 
>
>  
>
> 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
>
>
>
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 
>
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a
chuckle he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
>
>>
>
> The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. 
>
> Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. 
>

>The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. 
>
> As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... 
>
>
> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. 
>
> This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. 
> Finally, they both collapse, panting onthe ground. 
>
>
>The policeman is amazed. 
>
> He thinks he has learned something about lifeand old age that he didn't know. 
>

>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,the old couple struggle totheir feet and put their clothes back on. 
>
> The policeman,is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
> So, as the couple pass him, he says to them, 
>

>'Excuse me, but that was something else.
> You must've had a fantasticsex life together.
>Is there some sort of secret to this?' 
>
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply... 

 

 

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"

Don't be dissing us oldtimers.

[Peace Of Mind]

NNP, LOL!!  I emailed him back and said we'd probably want/need that electric fence in a few more years.  

[gambler]

In the days of the wild west,

there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

he old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease ov er there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

[gambler]

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear

were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

teacher asked her students

to make rhymes with their names;
Sam:
My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to Russia and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can

Candy:
My name is Candy,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can

Dan:
My name is Dan.
When I grow up to be a man,
To hell with Russia and Japan
I m gonna help Candy with her plan
I know I can, I know I can, I know I can..=))

[toomuchreality]

It's true! It's true!  I am actually going to contribute to this thread, not just read it...



Three blondes were walking down the road when they come upon some tracks.

1st blonde says 'I think they're moose tracks'
2nd blonde says 'I think they're deer tracks'
3rd blonde says 'I think they're bear tracks'

They were still arguing about it when they were hit by the train.

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 12, 2013 0:06:37 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

It's true! It's true!  I am actually going to contribute to this thread, not just read it...



Three blondes were walking down the road when they come upon some tracks.

1st blonde says 'I think they're moose tracks'
2nd blonde says 'I think they're deer tracks'
3rd blonde says 'I think they're bear tracks'

They were still arguing about it when they were hit by the train.

Blonde jokes are the best!!!!

[tigerpause]

Mar 12, 2013 7:19:28 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Mar 12, 2013 0:06:37 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

It's true! It's true!  I am actually going to contribute to this thread, not just read it...



Three blondes were walking down the road when they come upon some tracks.

1st blonde says 'I think they're moose tracks'
2nd blonde says 'I think they're deer tracks'
3rd blonde says 'I think they're bear tracks'

They were still arguing about it when they were hit by the train.

Blonde jokes are the best!!!!

[tigerpause]

 

[toomuchreality]

OMG  I'm contributing again! 
I better go to the doctor....   

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]