Jokes

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Why Science Teachers are Never Asked to Supervise Recess:

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

Post #1837 is hilarious, thanks SL ~

[Genuine GA Peach]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[MB-NY]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.




4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee




11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.



14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to!

[NoNamePerson]

And I tried to turn off my TV with my wireless mouse!! Good one MB...

[twinmama85]

I really REALLY hope this hasn't been used already, if it has, I apologize ^_^

The Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground

garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very

happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very

nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two

weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[gambler]

 1 million people at the inauguration but only 5 had to miss work.

[gambler]

Robot lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

[NoNamePerson]

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari?

[MB-NY]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...

Sorry.. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all
that shit. Never mind.

[MB-NY]

While in the middle of a wild passionate session of making love, what are the 3 words a wife never wants to hear her husband say?




"Honey, I'm home!"

[tigerpause]

Punny Stuff...


Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

[kent]

Maybe I shoud have posted this on the Gun Control thread?

Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Chicago, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[NoNamePerson]

ht

[gambler]

I was at the bar the other night...

...and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Artemis Windsong]

For Valentines Day a man gave his wife a gym membership and a box of candy.  She didn't know if she was to eat the candy first then go to the gym or go to they gym and eat the candy.

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Finding the blood of a virgin is gonna be the hard part

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[gambler]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"