Jokes

[femmefatale]

Love that, NNP!! The E-Cards crack me up!!

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

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[gambler]

Road Blocks


Hello All,

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.


As you well know, some people have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on their way home from an occasional social event over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but, since it was a cab, they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Have a safe time this Holiday season. :-)

[grits]

rofl gambler thank you. I needed that.

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 25, 2012 9:50:49 GMT -5 grits said:

rofl gambler thank you. I needed that.

Ditto that. I laugh everytime I hear/read that joke

[gambler]

Weddings


Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do: "All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."

She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat, "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him..."

[gambler]

Artist


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

[Genuine GA Peach]

[NoNamePerson]

In keeping with the Zombie mode:

[femmefatale]

Dec 24, 2012 17:34:18 GMT -5 grits said:

NoNamePerson, for that one you get karma.

One from me, also, NNP...I love the E Cards. So funny!

[Jaguar]

This is a beautiful one that Tiger posted on another Board we are on.

www.bluemountain.com/ecards/new-years-day/pn/new-year-wishes/card-3286422

[NoNamePerson]

[Genuine GA Peach]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

;D

[Genuine GA Peach]

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

[kent]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a
long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you
a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out
a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on
the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the
$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior
up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!

[Genuine GA Peach]

Three businessmen on a plane.
First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man."
Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale." First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man."
They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to University of Oklahoma."
Third guy says, "Why yes, I did. How could you tell?"








"We saw your class ring when you picked your nose."

[Genuine GA Peach]

Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle?
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features.
And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

[Genuine GA Peach]

A Baptist preacher and a priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest said he'd like a glass of wine. The preacher asked for a soft drink saying Christians should avoid alcohol. The priest said, "Jesus drank wine." The Baptist said, "I know and I would have thought a lot more of Him if he hadn't."

[tigerpause]

[gambler]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar


sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[gambler]

An old farmer got pulled over


by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Genuine GA Peach]

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?



























A roaming catholic.

[gambler]

Abby, lukejen, and Ruff were talking in the pub.

Abby and lukejen are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while Ruff remained quiet.

After a while Abby turns to Ruff and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

Ruff says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

Abby and lukejen were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

[gambler]

doctors are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.

They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.

After about an hour, ruff says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just
be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts
scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.

She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterward, ruff says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah," says ruff, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing."

[tigerpause]

FAST SEX


Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute girl in his office, but she was dating someone else.

One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at him and said, "NO!"

Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed, and accepted the proposal.

Over half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"



Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

Oh that is good one Tiger.