Jokes

[gambler]

AARP Bumper Stickers


I believe in having sex on the first date.
At my age, there may not be a second date.

Senior Campbell's - New Large Type Alphabet Soup.

I must be getting older . . .
All the names in my phone book end with M.D.

I am not old.
I am chronologically gifted.

Florida . . . God's Waiting Room.
At my age flowers scare me.

I am so old that . . . whenever I eat out,
they ask me for money up front.

I am so old that all my friends in heaven
will think I didn't make it.

Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

One good thing about Alzheimers,
you get to meet new people everyday.

Support BINGO! Keep Grandma off the streets.

Any day above ground is a good one.

Retirement - Twice as much husband, half as much money.

My wife always gives me sound advice
99% Sound . . . 1% Advice

[ZaireinHD]

Kyra Sedgwick stopped working on her show The Colser
now her husband Kevin Bacon has a new show
since she stopped working and he started
someone has to bring home the bacon!

[Genuine GA Peach]

A man with a constant winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[Genuine GA Peach]

[tigerpause]

FOR LEXOPHILES


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back for seconds.

7. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

[NoNamePerson]

[cme1201]

NNP

That's not how I look but defiantly how I feel when jackholes don't use the signal of intent!

[tigerpause]

Students in a biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is the perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.



He got an A.

[Artemis Windsong]

A man was checking into a motel and demanded to know if the porno channel was disabled.

The clerk screamed back at him - YOU SICK ----! No it's regular porn.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Good one, Tigerpause - #1785

[ZaireinHD]

Nov 25, 2012 12:03:28 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Miss R - Too Funny - and so true!
;D

[ZaireinHD]

Nov 10, 2012 14:32:16 GMT -5 kent said:

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

KENT funny!
;D

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

How The Angel Got on Top of The Christmas Tree

____________

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed.

It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a joy-ride earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she STILL isn't back! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Santa", she says .. "I found you the perfect tree! Where do you want me to stick it ??"

And that my friends, is how the Angel got on top of the Christmas Tree.

[kent]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his [you know] over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

THE VETERINARIAN

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno".

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

[gambler]

Supreme Court Rules No Nativity Scene in DC


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the Nation's Capital.

The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Genuine GA Peach]

a cowboy rode up to the saloon, tied his horse to the hitching post, then walked to the walked around to the back of the horse. He lifted the horses tail and kissed the horse's butt.

a gentleman standing outside the saloon asked, "why did you do that???"

the cowboy replied, "chapped lips"

"What? Horse sh!t cures chapped lips?"

"Nope. But it sure keeps you from lickin' 'em."

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[Genuine GA Peach]

[ZaireinHD]

[MB-NY]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke......

[NoNamePerson]

MB-NY Sounds like something I would have asked back in my "married days"

[NoNamePerson]

[grits]

NoNamePerson, for that one you get karma.