Jokes

[henryclay]

".............If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent,absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs! ................."

[DebMD (banned)]

.A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.... Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

[DebMD (banned)]

Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed some uranium.
You've probably got atomic ache.

[DebMD (banned)]

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

[DebMD (banned)]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a barometer.
You're looking a bit under the weather.

[DebMD (banned)]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?

[Befferz]

[gambler]

THINGS TO NOT SAY DURING SEX..............


On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he dumped you...

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

[gambler]

Obama in Heaven


Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to meet the Prophet Mohamed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in
great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Moses. Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again,'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?

''Yes! Please, my Lord.' God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Yo! Mohamed! Two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God - Your government has failed you miserably.

[gambler]

Kelly limps into his favorite pub.


"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley," Kelly whispered to the bartender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[gambler]

Office Secretary


Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

MOVED: From another thread


Hey all...as the header says, with St Pattys day coming up this next month, and concerns too about "Mad Cow Disease " this Irish farmers thoughts seemed appropriate.....
----------------------------------------------------

"You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said…
“Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED « Last Edit: Today at 12:45pm by deziloooooo »

[MN-Investor]

I heard this this morning and had to share it.

Apparently there are rumors that John Stamos is in talks with CBS to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and A Half Men. In response to that, John Stamos tweeted:

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son."

[gambler]

Once upon a time


in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauted frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

[gambler]

A dude meets a girl in a bar...


..and says, "I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The girl says, "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

[gambler]

Farmer Brown


goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

[Taxman10]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when

he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a
helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a
Save the Trees t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling
frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the
grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go
Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right
into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three
loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly
onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the
injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I

give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I
have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was
that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with

Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go down to California and get another one?"

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

[deziloooooo]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
"soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."

Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

[chiver78]

from an Irishwoman, in the spirit of St Patrick's Day:

An Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, was driving home one night with his wife when suddenly his car started weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been tonight?"
"Ah, y'know, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
The drunk says with a smile, "Aye, I do believe I did all right, mate."
While standing straight with arms folded, the cop says "Did you know, a few intersections back while you were violently swerving, that your wife fell out of the car??"
"Aye, thank me lucky stars," sighs the drunk, "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf, y'know...."

[ZaireinHD]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the train... cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come
out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son and say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again
soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just
boarding remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

[ZaireinHD]

What's the difference between Male and Female Brownies?





Male Brownies have nuts!!

[Peace Of Mind]

Z, loved the kid with the trains joke!

My FIL sent this to me:


Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just
thinking of my own funeral...


I'm a gynecologist.'

[ZaireinHD]

Thanks Peace!
I see karma in your near future!
LOL

[WolfNoMate]

Mar 23, 2011 21:08:08 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Z, loved the kid with the trains joke!

My FIL sent this to me:


Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just
thinking of my own funeral...


I'm a gynecologist.'

Somehow I don't think a proctologist would see the humor in this. ;D

[Peace Of Mind]

Wolf, LMAO!!

A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

[WolfNoMate]

O M G! Laughing maniacally! People in office staring. Made my day! ;D ;D ;D ;D

[TD2K]

[TD2K]

A blonde woman and her fiance just got married. They were really poor so she went to church and prayed. "God, I need to win the lottery. My husband and I really need the money. Please!" She went home that evening and watched to see if she won the lottery. She didn't.

So she went back to church to pray again. "Please, God, we really need the money. Please."

She went back home and again, she did not win the lottery.

She went back to church and she said, "God, why won't you let me win the lottery?"

A big, booming voice filled the Church and said, "Lady, you need to work with me, buy a lottery ticket!"

[ken a.k.a OMK]

Subject: : Super Grief



A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."