Jokes

[Peace Of Mind]

Hillbilly Letter From Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[ZaireinHD]

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

[chiver78]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"

the lesson: don't ask a question in a court of law unless you are fully prepared for the answer.

[gambler]

Head and Shoulders



A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now." The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?" "Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders." The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[Sammy]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..


Wait for it ... ....


It's coming ..... ....



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She said ... ...:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'


(Oh shut up, I thought it was funny)

[ZaireinHD]

for my 1,200 post I'll tell a joke!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because
he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Artemis Windsong]

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema..........Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine.....Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by/close by

[gambler]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale

[gambler]

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[TD2K]

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale



Now I get the reference "Bob's funeral is Tuesday" on the new joke thread you started before Moon moved the joke here and closed the thread

[gambler]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[Deleted]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year
old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him
to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure
it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little Asshole.

[kent]

Men Are Just Happier People


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[DebMD (banned)]

Could this Jokes thread be in Games??

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

This is a Jokes thread for jokes. It's pinned to the top of the page for easy access. The majority of members don't even go to the Games sub-board.

[kent]

Apr 18, 2011 13:25:40 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

This is a Jokes thread for jokes. It's pinned to the top of the page for easy access. The majority of members don't even go to the Games sub-board.

Exactly - sheesh!

[MB-NY]

I appreciate this thread being pinned. I like to pilfer, umm, I mean borrow some jokes here to take to other boards, so thanks to everyone who contributes.

[gambler]

Newfoundland Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot her also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. ...
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a good look at you..."

[NoNamePerson]

A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?"

I clean the toilet" she replies.

How does that help? he asks.

I use your toothbrush

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

One afternoon at the bank, in a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Well," said the guy. "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Artemis Windsong]

If only I had known this sooner!


I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap.

Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness". No wonder I can't lose weight!

Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

[MN-Investor]

That blond joke reminded...

My brother was in 7th grade, in shop class, when the teacher had to leave the room for a bit. My brother was a bit of a comedian and proceeded to entertain his fellow students with a series of Polack jokes. Everyone was laughing when the teacher came back to the room.

The teacher asked "What's so funny?"

One of the students replied, "Oh, DB was telling some real good Polack jokes."

The teacher looked sternly at my brother and said, "I hope you realize that some of us are of Polish descent."

My brother smiled and replied, "That ok! I tell them slow."

[kent]

A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing up all her belongings. He asks her what's up and she says she's leaving him because she just found out he's a pedophile.

He says, "Pedophile?" That's a pretty big word for a seven year old."

[Peace Of Mind]

This is so stupid it's funny and the timing is appropriate:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
> He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
> The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, Pulls over and gets out to see What has become of the rabbit.
> Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
> The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway Sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
> She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
> "I feel terrible," ! He explains.
> "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.
> The blonde says, "Don't worry."
> She runs to her cars and pulls out a spray can.
> She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
> The Easter Bunny jumps up,
> Waves its paw at the two of them.
> And hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops,
> turns around and waves again.
> He hops down the road another 10 feet,
> turns and waves.
> Hops another ten feet,
> turns and waves.
>
> And repeats this again and again and again and again, Until he hops out of sight.
>
>
> The man is astonished.
> He runs over to the woman and demands,
>
> "What is in that can?
> What did you spray on the
> Easter Bunny ?"
>
> The woman turns the can around
> So that the man can read
> The label.
>
> It says..
>
>
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
> (Are you sure?)
>
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
>
> (Last chance)
>
>
> (OK, here it is)
>
>
>
> It says,
>
>
> "Hair Spray
> Restores life to dead hair,
> And adds permanent wave.
>
> Happy Easter!!!!!

[TD2K]

My favorite Easter joke

Three Blondes …..

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, “So, tell me.” She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder … “

St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter.”

St. Peter fainted.

[Genuine GA Peach]

my favorite Easter joke:

blocked due to malware/_4eOyWykz6Us/Sd3eTgB7ofI/AAAAAAAAAy8/HTijwOo9XkI/s400/NK_FunnyEasterCandy.jpg[/img]

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

[TheOtherMe]

OLD PEOPLE TEXTING CODES:



ATD -at the doctors. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHAO -is my hearing aid on. LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. OMSG -oh my! sorry, gas. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder.