Jokes

[TD2K]

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

[TD2K]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

[tigerpause]

[TD2K]

What if men wrote advice columns?

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

The Male Point System


In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

[tigerpause]

In God We Trust

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

[tigerpause]

Funny Medical Records

The following quotes are reputed to have been taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.


She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

[kent]

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she stole the peaches and she said it was because she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She told him there were six.

The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce punishment her husband spoke up and asked if could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[NoNamePerson]

[kent]

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic:

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

It's not really funny I know. Ewwwwwww

[gambler]

Short ones


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were ?70!!! Blow this I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver
looked very miserable and was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
bagpipes.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today. She shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


The wife was counting all the 1C's and 5C's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the thing!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[gambler]

water


Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems necessary.

[NoNamePerson]

You know things are bad when you go to use the public restroom and people write "like" under a comment written in marker inside the stall.

[TD2K]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[TD2K]

There were two women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its ass.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

[TD2K]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

[TD2K]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[TD2K]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[TD2K]

Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:


(For 95 points): Which tire?

[tigerpause]

[gambler]

Joke of the century


GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[NoNamePerson]

[kent]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two
very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents,
so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

[Deleted]

Technically this is not a joke but it goes with the Wales thing above........(and it is a true story).
I was out golfing recently with two friends; one is from England and the other Wales. Both use their accents on members of the female persuasion with some success. So the young lady driving the drink cart asks where they are from. One asks her to guess. She giggles and says maybe Australia and France. France!?!?!?! for God's sake? So I tell her no; one is from England and the other is Welsh. She blushes and drives off. Not 3 minutes later she drives back and stops and says....and this is the honest to God truth....

"Where is Welsh?"

[NoNamePerson]

Ticks are out early this year as are fleas!

TICK WARNING

Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.. I feel so stupid.

[kent]

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and

falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead!

What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence. And then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?'

[Deleted]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can spend $5,000 to have her taken back home for burial, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it for a minute and then said he wanted to have her sent home for burial.
The undertaker shakes his head and asks, "Why would you want to spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you can have her buried in the Holy Land for only $150?"
The man looks up and says, "A long time ago and man died here, was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."