Jokes

[gambler]

Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

[gambler]

Best come back line


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters:****

FEMALE Reporter: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE Reporter: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE Reporter: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE Reporter: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

[TD2K]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

political quotes


* The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

* If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke

* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

* Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

* There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers

[gambler]

for golfers


1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..
~ George Brett ....

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino


10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny


12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan


13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus



14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells


15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham


16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

[kent]

Origin of Olympics

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

And that's the truth! Believe it....OR NOT!!!!

[TD2K]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.


'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,


'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out,


'And there's the teacher; she's dead.'

[uncle23]

...



An old married couple at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

[NoNamePerson]

TD and Uncle

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

[tigerpause]

How to Shower Like a Woman


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

[tigerpause]

How to Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Drain the main vein.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[gambler]

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

"What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

[gambler]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman


who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with yous?"

"Nay," Jock replied. "I'm switching the heating aff while I'm oot."

[gambler]

test


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the
water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barrack Obama! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options-you can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[weltschmerz]

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barrack Obama! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
------------------
Well that's highly unlikely. Everybody knows Obama can walk on water.



(Must be a trick question)

[MB-NY]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit it..........

[NoNamePerson]

Aug 19, 2012 10:30:08 GMT -5 MB-NY said:

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit it..........

[tigerpause]

Funny Phyllis Diller One-Liners


My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.

The reason there are no women football leagues is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.

The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.

I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

When the pro tells you to keep your head down, the real reason is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - keep away from children.

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working,
I can't take it anymore!
Gone to stay at my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.






I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............







The fridge works fine.

[TD2K]

A friend told her blonde friend, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."


The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

[TD2K]

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.

One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[TD2K]

A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

[TD2K]

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

[TD2K]

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

[TD2K]

A blond is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.

"I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."

[TD2K]

Quote of the day: Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.