Jokes

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Good one, Kent.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

0 to 200 In 6 Secconds


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Jaguar]

[tigerpause]

Who is the Designer of the Human Body?


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[gambler]

Traffic Control


A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving too fast and killing all of my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
No good. So the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop, and the sheriff becomes very curious. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[gambler]

Latest Cardiovascular Exercise


THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.

Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.






























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job

Have a glass of Wine

[gambler]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on


stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born - couldn't walk for a year!"

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

...Like A Fine Wine


....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. - Unknown Male Author

....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. - Unknown Female Author

[gambler]

HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE WHITE HOUSE





Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."



.......and that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[gambler]

Royal Outing


Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

A weeeeee bit.......


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[gambler]

Have you ever wondered


why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

[CarolinaKat]

Sept 18, 2012 19:15:12 GMT -5 gambler said:

Have you ever wondered


why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

It's obvious a man wrote this joke...

for the most part E = DD, and F = DDD, it just depends on the manufacturer's preference in labeling.

[toomuchreality]

Sept 19, 2012 6:48:39 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Sept 18, 2012 19:15:12 GMT -5 gambler said:

Have you ever wondered


why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

It's obvious a man wrote this joke...

for the most part E = DD, and F = DDD, it just depends on the manufacturer's preference in labeling.

I must be missing something.





Anyway, thanks for the never ending supply of jokes.... And they're even good jokes! ;D

You all are awesome!

[tigerpause]

for the most part E = DD, and F = DDD, it just depends on the manufacturer's preference in labeling.

I thought E = mc2.

[NoNamePerson]

[kent]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[kent]

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession last month.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

[gambler]

Bumper Stickers


Support Cannibalism — EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

[gambler]

On the day of the Royal Wedding,


Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''

''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''

[gambler]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

And my favorite:
21. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[whocanibe]

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

•You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
•You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
•Job interfering with your drinking.
•Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
•Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
•The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
•Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
•24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
•Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
•You can focus better with one eye closed.
•The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
•Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
•Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
•Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
•At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
•Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
•You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
•The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

[whocanibe]

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

[gambler]

An older man walks into a bar...



An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[gambler]

Cowboy Joe was telling


his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[gambler]

Renault/Ford


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect mini-car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[tigerpause]

Funny Signs and Inscriptions

Japanese Hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Moscow Hotel near Orthodox Monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our Black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In an office: "Toilet out of order... Please use the floor below."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

A laundry in Rome: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

Rome Doctor's Office: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

Swiss Restaurant Menu: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Bangkok Dry Cleaners: "Drop your trousers here for best results."

Rhodes Tailor Shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we well execute customers in strict rotation."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

In a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs."

In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken."

In an office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

Outside a second-hand shop: "We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."

Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car."

Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor."

Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)"

On the menu of a Russian restaurant: "The beef language in cream with a mashed potatoes with pine nuts with cheese."

On a Japan elevator: "We have a problem with our elevation. The cable is tired due to heavy loads. It will be fixed on. Until this date, residents will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking."

In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."