Jokes

[TD2K]

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

[TD2K]

Amy calls her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"

"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really don't have the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."

[TD2K]

PoM angrily went back to Rick's garage where she'd purchased an expensive battery for her car six months earlier.

"Listen," PoM complained to Rick, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized Rick. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

[PieCrust]

A little boy at a wedding asked his cousin how many wives could he have when he grows up.
His cousin said: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 weakness, 4 health
16 wives if you add them up!!!

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

[NoNamePerson]

Sounds like my family tree

[TD2K]

Deer butt doorbell.

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[moxie]

Hey ya tp!! How are ya?

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

Like DUH ~

[NoNamePerson]

[kent]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing ?" she asked.

"They're mating." her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top ?" she asked.

"A Daddy Longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs ?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well," she said, "that may be okay in San Francisco , but we're not having any of that crap here in Montana."

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!"

[kent]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOU TLIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE -WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[NoNamePerson]

I'll add two more to your list Kent

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto, the blockage will instantly remove itself.

[TD2K]

Nerd warning!!!


I hope this posts right

[henryclay]

The best protection against car jacking yet devised. The innocent pigeon is just collateral damage as a necessary R&D cost. Surely PETA understands that.

[gambler]

On the first day


God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So, God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

SO: That is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

[ednaveitch]

That made me laugh.

[tigerpause]

Me too...

[NoNamePerson]

In honor of all the fights going on on a couple of threads

[TD2K]

The Picture That Will Stay With Her The Rest Of Her Life

Make-up and Hair style..............$500.00

New Dress for the show.............$700.00

Giant Stuffed Bear.....................$300.00










Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in your hand..........Priceless!

[uncle23]

Message flagged
Wednesday, August 8, 2012 7:26 AM

rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,



'Hello?'

Hi Honey

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?'



'No, Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'



After a brief pause,

Daddy says,



'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'



'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom

door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'



'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'



A few minutes later

The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

And what happened, honey?'



'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.



Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'



'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'



'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..



He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.



He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause



Longer Pause



Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,



Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?