NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jul 9, 2012 17:22:16 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 9, 2012 17:22:16 GMT -5
The Male Maxine:::
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tigerpause
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Jul 9, 2012 22:13:56 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 9, 2012 22:13:56 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 0:20:56 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 0:20:56 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 0:22:18 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 0:22:18 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 0:22:43 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 0:22:43 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 0:25:17 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 0:25:17 GMT -5
blocked due to malware/-h3bk4JG69PM/TncpnvztKMI/AAAAAAAAH_A/6RHkyhCLhL8/s400/koyla%2Btype%2B.jpg[/img]
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 10, 2012 6:30:15 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 6:30:15 GMT -5
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 6:40:11 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 6:40:11 GMT -5
July 9th was "No Bra Day", how many of you participated?
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kent
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Jul 10, 2012 13:27:10 GMT -5
Post by kent on Jul 10, 2012 13:27:10 GMT -5
How Hot is it in Arizona?
The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground
The trees are whistling for the dogs
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance to the front door of the store
Hot water comes from both taps
You can make sun tea instantly
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
The temperature drops below 90 degrees F and you feel a little chilly
You discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window
You actually burn your hand opening the car door
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
You realize that the asphalt has a liquid stage
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
It’s so dry that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water
Lizards carry sticks in their mouths - they run a short distance, then stop and jump on the stick a while to keep their feet from frying before continuing to run
...and you think I'm kidding!
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jul 10, 2012 15:14:15 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 10, 2012 15:14:15 GMT -5
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer"
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tigerpause
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Jul 12, 2012 4:44:18 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 12, 2012 4:44:18 GMT -5
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'
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tigerpause
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Jul 12, 2012 4:47:49 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 12, 2012 4:47:49 GMT -5
Cartoon Laws of Physics
Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.
Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Jul 12, 2012 4:49:16 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 12, 2012 4:49:16 GMT -5
Raw Materials
In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials.
She stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam.
Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”
The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”
“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!”
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jul 12, 2012 20:13:25 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Jul 12, 2012 20:13:25 GMT -5
evening all
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."
Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?
"Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?
"Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
my computer is giving me fits, cure is a 12 gauge tonight see you when i get a new one
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2012 21:38:52 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 12, 2012 21:38:52 GMT -5
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says,
"How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2011 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Class of 1959"
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Jul 15, 2012 2:15:47 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 15, 2012 2:15:47 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
Jul 16, 2012 9:44:28 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 16, 2012 9:44:28 GMT -5
Two gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really? Like a baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself."
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jul 16, 2012 20:48:42 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 16, 2012 20:48:42 GMT -5
First recorded senior moment
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Jul 18, 2012 18:21:17 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Jul 18, 2012 18:21:17 GMT -5
Inner Strength ....................
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 19, 2012 0:17:34 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 19, 2012 0:17:34 GMT -5
Finally this age-old question is answered: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. They are wrong, and here's the proof.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
You NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." Case closed.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 19, 2012 0:18:26 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 19, 2012 0:18:26 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jul 20, 2012 7:09:04 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 20, 2012 7:09:04 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 21, 2012 0:43:33 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 21, 2012 0:43:33 GMT -5
Who wants this for their avatar?
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jul 22, 2012 7:20:28 GMT -5
Post by gambler on Jul 22, 2012 7:20:28 GMT -5
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant........
after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whisper's 'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.'
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jul 22, 2012 14:14:17 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 22, 2012 14:14:17 GMT -5
PieCrust snagged that pic for her avatar, TD.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 23, 2012 1:04:41 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 23, 2012 1:04:41 GMT -5
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! Guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jul 23, 2012 1:05:17 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 23, 2012 1:05:17 GMT -5
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's pals are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Jeez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since this morning. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
Jul 23, 2012 1:06:18 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Jul 23, 2012 1:06:18 GMT -5
Written on the Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
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PieCrust
New Member
Joined: Jul 15, 2012 22:17:20 GMT -5
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Jul 23, 2012 3:19:03 GMT -5
Post by PieCrust on Jul 23, 2012 3:19:03 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jul 23, 2012 7:36:04 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 23, 2012 7:36:04 GMT -5
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