Jokes

[NoNamePerson]

[gambler]

Thinking


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax", I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time.


I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make that much money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled
I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.


This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party

[gambler]

Bubba & Billy


Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of
these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll

talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of
them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs
of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners".

[tigerpause]

You know you're Canadian if:


You stand in "line-ups" or "queues" (in Victoria, BC) at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my bowl of poutine."
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh?!"
You can drink legally while still a teen in some provinces.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with very good cigars.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it, instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You're not sure if the leader of your nation has ever had sex and you don't want to know if he has.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You drive with your headlights on during the day (since 1989, all new cars have been fitted with "daytime running lights").
You participated in "Participaction."
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, color. etc.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You were mad at the CBC when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
You know who "Relic" is/was.
You know what a touque is and you own one and often wear it.
You have heard of... and have some cherished momento of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
You still sing the "Great White North" theme song with pride... "coo-ooh-coocoo-coo-ooh-coocoo".
You know Toronto is NOT a province.
You never miss "Coach's Corner" during Hockey Night in Canada.
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
If you live in some of the colder Canadian provinces, your car has a cord and plug sticking out of the grill... it's a block heater for those sub-zero (in Celsius) days.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more kilometres on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
The Canadian Tire Store on any Saturday is busier than most toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with frozen snow and slush.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper now that there are no more dollar bills.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a portable deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
You pronounce the last letter of the alphabet "zed" instead of "zee."
and... You end some sentences with "eh," ...eh?

[tigerpause]

Jun 29, 2012 13:43:33 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Oh wait! A thousand apologies. The term "hysterical" isn't politically correct. It comes from the greek word for uturus, which makes it misogynistic and implies that only females are prone to hysteria.
Funny. The books are funny.

www.answers.com/topic/hysteria
The ancient Greeks adopted the notion of the migratory uterus and embroidered upon the connections between hysteria and sexual dissatisfaction. In an often-cited passage in the Timaeus, Plato wrote colourfully about the vagaries of female reproductive physiology: ‘the animal within them [women] is desirous of procreating children, and when remaining unfruitful long beyond its proper time, gets discontented and angry, and wandering in every direction through the body, closes up the passages of the breath, and by obstructing respiration, drives them to extremity, causing all varieties of disease…’ Various texts of the school of Hippocrates, from the fifth century bc onward, explain similarly that a mature women's deprivation of sexual relations causes a restless womb to move upward in search of gratification.


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippocrates
According to Aristotle's testimony, Hippocrates was known as 'The Great Hippocrates'.

[gambler]

Question for you


If women are so perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Just wondering

[tigerpause]

Because the guy gave her the headache in the first place?

[tigerpause]

The Physics of Hell


A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:


First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.


The student got an A on the exam.

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

WAL-MART JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Walmart.
They hired him because he was so funny.


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[gambler]

Message deleted by gambler.

[NoNamePerson]

[TD2K]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[gambler]

Blonde Hitch-hiker


A blonde is hitch-hiking across the country, and the weather turns poor. It starts to rain heavily, and she finds herself soaked to the skin. Waving her arms frantically at a passing semi, the truck slams on the breaks and slides to a stop.

"Thank you so much!" The blonde gushes, and they continue on down the road. As she is dripping dry, she begins to look at all of the fancy instrumentation with much wonder. "This is a cool truck!"

"Top of the line," the truck driver brags. "See that? That there is a C.B. radio. It's so powerful, I can contact anyone in the world!"

"Anyone in the world?" The blonde's eyes are huge.

"Anyone in the world!" He smiles.

"Wow. What I wouldn't give to talk to my Mom in Poland," the blonde shakes her head. "I would give anything."

"Anything?"

Anything!"

"Hm," The truck driver smiles a wide smile and gives her a once over. "I think we may be able to work something out, then, Baby. Lookee here." And with that, the truck driver yanks on his zipper and whips out his manhood, wagging it at her.

A look of unadulterated joy crosses her face. Beaming at the driver, she leans over eagerly, breathing hard upon it.

"Hello... Mom?"

[gambler]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[gambler]

A truck driver was going down a steep incline


when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didnt move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hells the matter with you two?.Didnt you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

[TD2K]

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at an airport in Arizona awaiting their flight.
They were dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens … all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they are from?"

He replies, "How would I know?" She counters, "You could go and ask them." He says, "I don’t really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks,
"Excuse me. Looking at the way you are dressed, I wondered … where you are from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, " Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband, who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English.”

[TD2K]

I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.

I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test, I thought I should forward it to you :

Simple Alcoholism test that you can take on the privacy of your computer......






If you saw the bar sign, sorry, you are an alcoholic

[TD2K]

The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.

2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.

3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don play that.

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.

6. Don' ice ya bros.

7. Stick to ya own woman.

8. Don' be liftin no goods.

9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein'ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin.

[TD2K]

cat.notmsnmoney.proboards.com.meowbify.com/


Yes, it's safe.

[TD2K]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[TD2K]

A young man is playing golf, alone. An older man approaches him who asks, 'may I join you?'

The young man, not wanting to be impolite, shrugs his shoulders and says, 'oh, alright.'

They go ahead, the old man is congenial company and plays a surprisingly skilful game. They come to a tee with a big tree in front of it.

The old man says, 'when I was your age I used to hit golf balls right over that tree.'

The young man braces himself, smarts up, adjusts his stance and as he's about to swing the old man says, 'mind you, when I was your age that tree was 3 feet high.'

[TD2K]

An old woman in a retirement home has never behaved immorally in her life. She'd been happily married and that included a good sex life. But she'd only done it with one fellow - her deceased husband. She'd like to do it with another fellow before she dies. With her wrinkled, skinny arm she punches the air with a clenched fist and shrieks at the top of her voice, 'I'll have sex with anyone who can guess what's in my hand.'

A withered, wavering voice shrieks back, 'a horse.'

'Close enough,' says the old woman.

[TD2K]

An elderly man and an elderly woman in a nursing home become close friends.

He proposes, 'will you marry me?'

'Yes,' says the old woman.

The next day the old fellow cannot remember her answer. Thoroughly confused and spaced out of his mind he confronts her.

'Oh,' she says, 'I remember saying, "Yes" to one of the fellows but I cannot remember which one.'

[TD2K]

An old man needing hospitalization was taken to a Catholic Hospital where he recovers.

Nursing Nun, 'you're doing find, you can go now. But how are you going to pay? Are you covered by Health Insurance?'

'No.' he feebly whispers.

'Can you pay in cash?'

'I'm afraid not, Sister.'

'Do you have any friends or relatives?'

'I just have a sister and she's a spinster nun.'

'Nuns are not spinsters, they are married to God.'

'Okay,' croaks the feeble, old man, 'then bill my brother-in-law.'

[NoNamePerson]

Good ones TD2K

[TD2K]

A lesson in irony.


The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This concludes today's lesson.

[Peace Of Mind]

LMAO!! Great jokes! I've not been here in a while.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."