toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 5, 2022 13:25:55 GMT -5
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them: I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier! Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her. So God gave Adam the gift. Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played fireman.. God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God: and... what is the other present? And God answered: A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours...
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 5, 2022 16:12:21 GMT -5
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them: I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier! Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her. So God gave Adam the gift. Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played fireman.. God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God: and... what is the other present? And God answered: A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours... No mention of writing your name with pee on snow? Or was that after the two were cast out of Eden.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 5, 2022 17:00:36 GMT -5
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them: I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier! Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her. So God gave Adam the gift. Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played fireman.. God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness until Eve asked God: and... what is the other present? And God answered: A Brain Eve ... The brain is yours... No mention of writing your name with pee on snow? Or was that after the two were cast out of Eden. So many talents! Bwahaha! 🤣
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 5, 2022 20:50:56 GMT -5
No mention of writing your name with pee on snow? Or was that after the two were cast out of Eden. So many talents! Bwahaha! 🤣 Old political pee in the snow joke. Richard Nixon gets done eating dinner at the Whitehouse when he steps out onto the Whitehouse porch to get some fresh air. After a few minutes he noticed someone had urinated his name in the snow. Furious, Nixon goes to the secret service and demands to know who urinated his name in the snow. The secret service tells Nixon "Yes sir Mr. President, we will get right on it". A couple of hours goes by and the secret service comes back and says "Mr. President, We have good news and we have bad news". Nixon says" What's the good news?". Secret service says "We had the urine analyzed and it came back as George McGovern." Nixon says, "That son of a bitch, "What's the bad news?". The Secret service says, "We think it's Pat Nixon's handwriting".
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 7, 2022 17:12:05 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2022 18:22:04 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Jul 7, 2022 18:22:04 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 8, 2022 1:57:09 GMT -5
A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be $9,' says the barman.
The gorilla pays and the barman says, 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub.'
The gorilla replies, ' I'm not surprised at these prices.'
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 8, 2022 1:57:51 GMT -5
Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family
Killed 37 Bobs
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 8, 2022 2:00:55 GMT -5
I put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read any of it.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 8, 2022 2:24:31 GMT -5
I put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it. Groan! 🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 8, 2022 17:01:54 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2022 15:21:11 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 12, 2022 21:31:08 GMT -5
The old woman and the Cowboy.
An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat.
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger (cowboy) stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying “hey” old woman have you ever danced”
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no, I never did dance… never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.
The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off -started hopping around. everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. the silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no maam… but… I've always wanted to.”
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 14, 2022 12:19:26 GMT -5
Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by people who copy and paste things to their statuses. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they're sarcastic by nature. If you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate bacon. And if you hate bacon, the government wins, and a unicorn dies. Possibly puppies as well. And occasionally baby goats. But never dragons because of something to do with tomatoes..
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 15, 2022 10:59:57 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 15, 2022 12:07:38 GMT -5
That doc and nurse should prepare to meet their maker if they pulled that crap on me. I hate spiders. I would rather run with the snakes.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 15, 2022 16:10:44 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 18, 2022 10:45:37 GMT -5
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an “epiphany,” a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hand and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
Quit drinking before noon!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 18, 2022 12:35:49 GMT -5
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other: "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand." "I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied.
She picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, placed them in the bag with the beer. The cashier then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said: "The curlers are on the house."
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djAdvocate
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only posting when the mood strikes me.
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Jokes
Jul 18, 2022 12:39:21 GMT -5
Post by djAdvocate on Jul 18, 2022 12:39:21 GMT -5
LOL
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Jul 18, 2022 18:40:09 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 18, 2022 18:40:09 GMT -5
Hahahaha 🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 18, 2022 19:21:32 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 19, 2022 11:52:11 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 19, 2022 13:56:22 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 19, 2022 20:36:16 GMT -5
Just saw this. Check out the door handle of this car in Austrailia.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 19, 2022 22:41:22 GMT -5
Just saw this. Check out the door handle of this car in Austrailia. You are not helping my ability to function in this world. In case you were wondering.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 20, 2022 6:51:15 GMT -5
Just saw this. Check out the door handle of this car in Austrailia. You are not helping my ability to function in this world. In case you were wondering. We can hunt him down if you have some free time!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,711
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jokes
Jul 20, 2022 6:55:21 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Jul 20, 2022 6:55:21 GMT -5
You are not helping my ability to function in this world. In case you were wondering. We can hunt him down if you have some free time! I will make time! Do you have space in your backyard, or your freezer? 🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 20, 2022 7:05:40 GMT -5
We can hunt him down if you have some free time! I will make time! Do you have space in your backyard, or your freezer? 🤣 We’ll cut him up in pieces if need be.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 20, 2022 8:22:16 GMT -5
I will make time! Do you have space in your backyard, or your freezer? 🤣 We’ll cut him up in pieces if need be. 🤐
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