toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 15, 2021 20:11:06 GMT -5
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, had what is sometimes called an “epiphany,” a moment of heightened awaremess in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hand and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
Quit drinking before noon!
Say it isn't true! Glad it was your epiphany, not mine! 😉 🍹
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 15, 2021 20:21:08 GMT -5
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, had what is sometimes called an “epiphany,” a moment of heightened awaremess in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hand and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
Quit drinking before noon!
Say it isn't true! Glad it was your epiphany, not mine! 😉 🍹
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 16, 2021 9:59:40 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 16, 2021 12:50:02 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 16, 2021 18:46:52 GMT -5
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jan 16, 2021 19:11:50 GMT -5
The casserole part was funny.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jan 16, 2021 22:00:48 GMT -5
Flying a Kite
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 17, 2021 17:47:46 GMT -5
The Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 18, 2021 12:47:54 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 18, 2021 21:41:42 GMT -5
My Best Friend
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, imbibing a few shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him, smiles, and then says, "Not anymore! He is!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 21, 2021 15:39:48 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 21, 2021 23:55:15 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 24, 2021 18:35:36 GMT -5
For all you folks who got tools For Xmas
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 24, 2021 20:37:40 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 25, 2021 9:59:33 GMT -5
My apologies up front if anyone is offended but my sense of humor goes sideways some times! I found this funny
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 28, 2021 10:07:04 GMT -5
Having been bookkeeper and tracking time off I realized one of one worker had at least 10 dead grandparents in a years time
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 28, 2021 12:27:24 GMT -5
This Morning
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 28, 2021 12:27:31 GMT -5
Having been bookkeeper and tracking time off I realized one of one worker had at least 10 dead grandparents in a years time Used to see that in HR too. Bereavement pay and time off requests for like the seventh grandmother. Nope.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 29, 2021 16:30:19 GMT -5
100 Years Old
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 29, 2021 17:14:32 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 1, 2021 20:42:28 GMT -5
Getting Old
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 5, 2021 9:54:33 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 6, 2021 11:36:10 GMT -5
Buying a Car
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".
"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.
The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 13, 2021 12:32:59 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 13, 2021 13:56:09 GMT -5
Funny! I watched the Midwest Cheap video too. Now you are responsible for me getting very little done this afternoon but I needed to laugh a bit. So many videos and all the time I care to waste
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Feb 13, 2021 17:10:17 GMT -5
No joke, i worked with a guy who's midwest accent was so thick the voice recognition software on anwering machines wouldn't work for him. We always had to get his voice mail for him 😂 we'd have the interns do it 🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 16, 2021 14:26:05 GMT -5
The Dying Man
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 20, 2021 16:03:51 GMT -5
Curtain Rod
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 20, 2021 16:19:44 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 2, 2021 21:54:06 GMT -5
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