gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Dec 15, 2020 17:58:31 GMT -5
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Bug Busters," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 16, 2020 10:04:47 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Dec 17, 2020 13:14:36 GMT -5
I will take the bed next to yours, please. 🤣 Hey at least someone WANTS to be around you, right? I'm going to call that a win! 😁
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 17, 2020 14:16:30 GMT -5
You are welcome to join me!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 24, 2020 22:01:07 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 24, 2020 22:02:13 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 24, 2020 22:06:09 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Dec 30, 2020 12:10:28 GMT -5
Wife or Mistress
An architect, an artist and a scientist were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The scientist said, "I having like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Scientist: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Dec 30, 2020 12:35:09 GMT -5
Wife or Mistress An architect, an artist and a scientist were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The scientist said, "I having like both." "Both?" they asked. Scientist: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." Reminds me of an old joke: A scientist is walking to work one morning and comes across a frog. The frog says, "An evil witch cast a spell on me. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever yours." The scientist exclaims, "Cool!", pick the frog up, and puts it in his pocket. The frog yells, "Hey, didn't you hear me?" The scientist pulls it back out of his pocket, looks at it for a second, and tells it, "I don't have any use for a princess but having a talking frog is great!" and sticks it back in his pocket.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Dec 31, 2020 16:19:53 GMT -5
Big Feet
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $300. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
That it for this year you all have a safe happy New years
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 1, 2021 13:28:16 GMT -5
Happy New Year, everyone!
I wonder if "2020" laughed at everyone who said that last year.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 5, 2021 21:16:11 GMT -5
Sexual Morality
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 6, 2021 0:44:10 GMT -5
Sexual Morality The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?" Or... I have to do this for an hour? ! ? Depends on so many factors! 😊
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 7, 2021 9:29:14 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 7, 2021 11:41:54 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 9, 2021 17:48:47 GMT -5
My first thought was to remind you that it's only January 9th! 🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 9, 2021 20:44:17 GMT -5
Little Johnny
A teacher gives her young students an assignment.
Use the word 'contagious' in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand. The teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "My little brother has the flu and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious."
The teacher replies, "Very good Susie!"
The teacher calls on Timmy. Timmy says, "When I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious."
The teacher says, "That's another good one!"
Little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him.
Little Johnny says, "This weekend our neighbor finally painted her old fence. My dad said it was about time, it took the **** ages."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 10, 2021 1:56:50 GMT -5
Little Johnny A teacher gives her young students an assignment. Use the word 'contagious' in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow. The next day all the kids are raising their hand. The teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "My little brother has the flu and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious." The teacher replies, "Very good Susie!" The teacher calls on Timmy. Timmy says, "When I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious." The teacher says, "That's another good one!" Little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him. Little Johnny says, "This weekend our neighbor finally painted her old fence. My dad said it was about time, it took the **** ages." Where's that emoticon... Of the guy slapping his head?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 10, 2021 7:30:43 GMT -5
Little Johnny A teacher gives her young students an assignment. Use the word 'contagious' in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow. The next day all the kids are raising their hand. The teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "My little brother has the flu and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious." The teacher replies, "Very good Susie!" The teacher calls on Timmy. Timmy says, "When I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious." The teacher says, "That's another good one!" Little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him. Little Johnny says, "This weekend our neighbor finally painted her old fence. My dad said it was about time, it took the **** ages." Where's that emoticon... Of the guy slapping his head? is this what you were looking for ?
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on Jan 10, 2021 7:50:00 GMT -5
Now I finally get it. I kept on putting in the "b" word for the **** Now that I used the correct naughty word, it makes sense.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 10, 2021 7:58:19 GMT -5
Now I finally get it. I kept on putting in the "b" word for the **** Now that I used the correct naughty word, it makes sense. I knew immediately what it meant but then I've read way to many Little Johnny jokes In fact Little Johnny joke is the very first joke someone sent me online back in the 1996. Not sure who it speaks volumes about me or my friend!!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 10, 2021 14:55:24 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 10, 2021 20:54:46 GMT -5
Funny! I bet the blood was going to her head!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 10, 2021 20:57:57 GMT -5
NoNamePersonThat's the one! I just can't access it on my phone.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 11, 2021 21:46:38 GMT -5
The Train Ride Original
A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me instead!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:
"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."
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stillmovingforward
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Hanging on by a thread
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jan 12, 2021 14:00:47 GMT -5
True story. My DD1 last night informed me that I am living every engineer's dream, drinking at work! *sigh* she's very right. My home desk is only 2 steps from my liquor cabinet......
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jan 13, 2021 11:44:45 GMT -5
The Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look into that.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 14, 2021 12:21:19 GMT -5
Turn on the volume.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 14, 2021 15:38:22 GMT -5
🤣🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 15, 2021 13:31:43 GMT -5
I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once, had what is sometimes called an “epiphany,” a moment of heightened awaremess in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant on my hand and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do.
Quit drinking before noon!
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