NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 7, 2021 10:20:27 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 8, 2021 15:18:36 GMT -5
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bit** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bit**), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 10, 2021 21:15:55 GMT -5
Horse Race
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8.Big Johnson
9.Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2021 0:33:29 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 11, 2021 0:34:27 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 12, 2021 21:54:53 GMT -5
In honor of St. Patrick's Day.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 16, 2021 15:47:22 GMT -5
Prayer
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
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NoNamePerson
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Mar 16, 2021 17:02:29 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 16, 2021 17:02:29 GMT -5
Prayer Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." That could be my son telling this joke!!
ETA: back in the day when he was small and I cooked. Now I don't cook for anyone period. We all go eat out!!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 16, 2021 19:26:45 GMT -5
Prayer Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." That could be my son telling this joke!!
ETA: back in the day when he was small and I cooked. Now I don't cook for anyone period. We all go eat out!!
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 18, 2021 20:10:32 GMT -5
Service
I became confused when I heard the word service" used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' State, City, County & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service'
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 21, 2021 20:37:10 GMT -5
SEX AND GOOD
GRAMMAR....
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned: 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 25, 2021 10:26:18 GMT -5
What's This?
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."
And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 31, 2021 11:29:38 GMT -5
Had Enough
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're out of bread. Be back in five minutes.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 1, 2021 16:18:02 GMT -5
A groaner.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 4, 2021 20:55:12 GMT -5
Itchy
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.
"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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toomuchreality
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Apr 5, 2021 8:37:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Apr 5, 2021 8:37:13 GMT -5
Itchy A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." Oh, dear.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 7, 2021 10:50:16 GMT -5
Marine Corps
Dear Ma and Pa I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 7, 2021 22:35:51 GMT -5
LOL gamblerI didn't see that one coming. I knew something was coming, but not that! Bwahahaha
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 9, 2021 11:22:26 GMT -5
Golfer in a Car Crash
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "My handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 17, 2021 10:19:44 GMT -5
Finally
This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey on with a little Lions helmet too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game."
The bartender replies, normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?"
The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 23, 2021 19:41:20 GMT -5
Daddy sleeps naked.
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 28, 2021 21:10:12 GMT -5
What Time Is It?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
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tigerpause
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May 2, 2021 5:40:53 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2021 5:40:53 GMT -5
I was looking at the ratings of some sheds, and I found this little gem: EZEE Shed Is your worst enemy having a housewarming party? Have you heard them talking about how their new house lack storage for their lawnmower? If you want to get them a terrible gift that will leave them cursing your name this is the shed for you. The box says it takes half the time to build, but that only accounts if you need to mine the ore for this shed and you own your own metal works shop to make the siding. I wasted an entire day building this and I pray it gets destroyed in a hurricane so I don’t have to look at it anymore. The instructions were not very clear, and several parts were mislabeled. Holes did not line up when I was building this so I had to crunch some metal like a price of paper to get things to fit. Some parts the holes were just missing or made zero sense on how to go forward with the construction. I told my partner if he ever buys anything from the company that made this shed I’d leave him in the middle of the night. www.rona.ca/en/arrow-ezee-shed-steel-storage-6x5-ft-galvanized-cream-ez6565lvcr-330737045
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tigerpause
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May 2, 2021 5:42:16 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2021 5:42:16 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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May 2, 2021 5:43:48 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2021 5:43:48 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2021 5:44:37 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 7, 2021 2:31:34 GMT -5
I was looking at the ratings of some sheds, and I found this little gem: EZEE Shed Is your worst enemy having a housewarming party? Have you heard them talking about how their new house lack storage for their lawnmower? If you want to get them a terrible gift that will leave them cursing your name this is the shed for you. The box says it takes half the time to build, but that only accounts if you need to mine the ore for this shed and you own your own metal works shop to make the siding. I wasted an entire day building this and I pray it gets destroyed in a hurricane so I don’t have to look at it anymore. The instructions were not very clear, and several parts were mislabeled. Holes did not line up when I was building this so I had to crunch some metal like a price of paper to get things to fit. Some parts the holes were just missing or made zero sense on how to go forward with the construction. I told my partner if he ever buys anything from the company that made this shed I’d leave him in the middle of the night. www.rona.ca/en/arrow-ezee-shed-steel-storage-6x5-ft-galvanized-cream-ez6565lvcr-330737045I helped put one of these together once. We had a similar experience. It definitely took all freaking day. And there were several discussions about drilling additional holes, if it was the correct part and why the holes didn't line up. What a nightmare!
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 7, 2021 20:53:33 GMT -5
Indian weatherman
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on May 12, 2021 11:50:54 GMT -5
Five Horses Is Her Name
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
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toomuchreality
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May 12, 2021 16:22:45 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on May 12, 2021 16:22:45 GMT -5
LOL ☺
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