tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 22, 2020 10:27:47 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 22, 2020 12:21:59 GMT -5
Took a second before it registered.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 24, 2020 15:39:16 GMT -5
Staying home
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2020 19:00:50 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Mar 25, 2020 19:00:50 GMT -5
Just wanted to let you all know most Canadians are not like this guy
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 25, 2020 20:46:45 GMT -5
I was hopping he would spill/drop it on his lap.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Mar 25, 2020 20:52:52 GMT -5
I am sure that hand sanitizer is going to get into his mouth and coffee. I wonder if it's deadly like eye drops ?? He's a real douche.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 26, 2020 13:36:37 GMT -5
I would have served him like this:
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 26, 2020 13:38:17 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 26, 2020 17:17:09 GMT -5
I liked how he touched the cup 20 times, to turn it, so he could spray it. Bwahaha
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 26, 2020 17:52:51 GMT -5
stimulus package explanation 101
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
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toomuchreality
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Mar 27, 2020 8:11:51 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Mar 27, 2020 8:11:51 GMT -5
Good one, Gambler! Bwahahaha
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 27, 2020 10:21:47 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Mar 29, 2020 9:24:49 GMT -5
Just last night
I was in the woods digging a hole, when my spade struck something. Looked like a chest I dug it out, pulled it out of the hole, forced it open .... It was full of gold coins!!!
I started running home to tell my wife about my find..... .......then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the woods in the middle of the night!!
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NoNamePerson
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Mar 29, 2020 9:59:48 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 29, 2020 9:59:48 GMT -5
gambler. You just started my day off with a big Thanks!
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kadee79
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S.W. Ga., zone 8b, out in the boonies!
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Post by kadee79 on Mar 29, 2020 14:47:16 GMT -5
The Hypnotist at the Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Home,
and Claude was never invited back again.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 29, 2020 20:36:01 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 30, 2020 0:09:05 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 30, 2020 0:11:35 GMT -5
] They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Home,
and Claude was never invited back again. [/quote]
I hate to admit it, but it took me a minute. Then... 🤣🤣🤣
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Tennesseer
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Mar 30, 2020 14:53:26 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Mar 30, 2020 14:53:26 GMT -5
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Mar 30, 2020 14:58:22 GMT -5
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billisonboard
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Mar 30, 2020 15:04:53 GMT -5
Post by billisonboard on Mar 30, 2020 15:04:53 GMT -5
I did similar once on a trail at a camp I worked, a log you had to lift up to walk past. The trail lead to an area that you weren't supposed to go unsupervised. What it did was force people to stop or at least slow down and make a choice to lift it, go under/over it, or around it.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 30, 2020 15:23:18 GMT -5
you beat me to it. I'm thinking the groaner of the year and it's still March!!!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 30, 2020 15:31:58 GMT -5
you beat me to it. I'm thinking the groaner of the year and it's still March!!!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 31, 2020 8:07:05 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Apr 1, 2020 12:01:45 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 1, 2020 12:01:45 GMT -5
"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts !"
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NoNamePerson
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Apr 1, 2020 12:06:32 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 1, 2020 12:06:32 GMT -5
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 1, 2020 12:11:22 GMT -5
Republican, Democrat, Or Southerner?
Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click…..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”
Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 1, 2020 17:36:09 GMT -5
Basically We Are Grounded. I'd Rather Have A Spanking
And Get It Over With.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 1, 2020 17:52:18 GMT -5
A symptom of this virus is that you lose your sense of taste.
I've just downloaded a Justin Bieber album.
I'm scared guys.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 1, 2020 17:52:54 GMT -5
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