tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 1, 2020 22:18:18 GMT -5
A symptom of this virus is that you lose your sense of taste.
I've just downloaded a Justin Bieber album.
I'm scared guys.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 2, 2020 20:05:34 GMT -5
Favorite Flower
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 3, 2020 19:38:40 GMT -5
OK, it's a groaner but here goes!!
I just saw a news report about the stresses and strains of self isolation. It is reported that people are going crazy from being in lock down!
It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !!!
I think she might have been sneaking off to the medicine cabinet.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 5, 2020 9:34:27 GMT -5
Anniversary
On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 5, 2020 9:58:21 GMT -5
Anniversary On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished." And those were possibly his last words.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 6, 2020 15:38:02 GMT -5
Not a written joke but a Thanksgiving prank by a mother on her son.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 6, 2020 22:17:31 GMT -5
Proud Father
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 7, 2020 12:10:22 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 8, 2020 5:22:55 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 8, 2020 10:10:58 GMT -5
This one has been around forever but still tickles my funny bone!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 9, 2020 18:45:53 GMT -5
This one has been around forever but still tickles my funny bone! OMG! I've never heard that one. 🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 11, 2020 14:47:57 GMT -5
Little Johnny was late for school
The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.
“Ah,” nodded the teacher, “you were helping him find it!”
“Um, not really,” said Johnny, “but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 11, 2020 14:48:04 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 12, 2020 14:53:21 GMT -5
Petroleum Jelly
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2020 1:01:11 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Apr 13, 2020 1:01:11 GMT -5
Bwahaha 🤣
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 13, 2020 21:07:28 GMT -5
Marriage and haunting
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried face down......."
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on Apr 13, 2020 21:22:29 GMT -5
Gambler, i love your "dark" posts. I do though hope you are doing well
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Apr 14, 2020 9:49:00 GMT -5
Lil Johnny
Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.
Every time he sees a fly he utters, "damn flies, damn flies."
Just as Johnny says it a shocked priest walks up and says,
"You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause," says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these damn flies."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 14, 2020 9:52:25 GMT -5
Another 'Johnny' joke.
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 14, 2020 10:39:32 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 14, 2020 15:21:26 GMT -5
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gambler
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Post by gambler on Apr 15, 2020 11:21:03 GMT -5
The Hypnotist
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."
"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 16, 2020 12:36:51 GMT -5
The Hypnotist A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything." The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone." "No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!" I don't know where you get them, but you post some great jokes! 😁😁😁
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 16, 2020 13:52:27 GMT -5
I agree!
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 17, 2020 17:09:18 GMT -5
This one's for you Tennesseer: A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
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Tennesseer
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Apr 17, 2020 17:13:02 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Apr 17, 2020 17:13:02 GMT -5
This one's for you Tennesseer: A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts." Yup.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 17, 2020 17:16:13 GMT -5
This one's for you Tennesseer : A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts." you're nuts could be what he meant but we'll go with billisonboard way.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 17, 2020 20:54:32 GMT -5
This one's for you Tennesseer : A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts." you're nuts could be what he meant but we'll go with billisonboard way. OMG! Yeah that! Bwahaha... Too funny!
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gambler
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Post by gambler on Apr 18, 2020 9:22:15 GMT -5
What to Watch
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 19, 2020 7:11:50 GMT -5
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