tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 21, 2017 12:31:35 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Oct 22, 2017 4:38:11 GMT -5
Ten reasons why TRICK-OR-TREATING is better than sex; (1) You are guaranteed to get something in the sack. (2) If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go back at it again. (3) The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some. (4) You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you. (5) The person you are with does not have to fantasize you're someone else...you already are. (6) If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. (7) If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you are kinky. (8) It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. (9) There is less guilt the next morning about overindulging. (10) If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door.
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Oct 25, 2017 4:42:47 GMT -5
And, just for you math-mavens out there; What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?.............Pumpkin Pi.......
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 25, 2017 21:24:20 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 25, 2017 21:26:37 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Oct 26, 2017 10:25:16 GMT -5
From a new poll out just in time for Halloween......What is the #1 favorite play amongst monsters?..............Romeo and Ghouliet....
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Oct 26, 2017 22:53:53 GMT -5
Elderly couple in church: Wife turns to husband and says "I've just let a silent fart. What should I do?" Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
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wyouser
Senior Associate
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Post by wyouser on Oct 28, 2017 4:34:01 GMT -5
What's the #1 favorite TV show amongst black cats?............Miami Mice.... which explains the next one "purr"fectly........When is it unlucky to see a black cat?.......when YOU are a mouse,,,,,
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wyouser
Senior Associate
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Post by wyouser on Oct 29, 2017 6:47:47 GMT -5
IF twenty zombies are running after you, what time is it?............Twenty after one!
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Oct 30, 2017 6:36:43 GMT -5
Man-o-man! Last year I got so fed up with trick or treaters that I finally just shut off the light and pretended I wasn't home........Hey! Don't look at me like that.....Forget about all those ships!.....MY LIGHTHOUSE, MY RULES!!!!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Oct 31, 2017 11:43:27 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a witch with a werewolf?..................A mad dog that chases airplanes......
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 31, 2017 17:08:38 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 31, 2017 17:09:55 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Posts: 63,614
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 2, 2017 11:38:48 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 4, 2017 1:50:27 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 7, 2017 0:33:50 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Nov 10, 2017 5:26:50 GMT -5
Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a check up with his physician. A week or so later the doc sees ole Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a comely young female. The doctor stops him and asks, "Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes? Herman says, "Just following orders, Doc, You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful." The physician exclaims, "Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 11, 2017 2:21:44 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 13, 2017 10:55:16 GMT -5
Not really a joke:
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 14, 2017 23:03:19 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 14, 2017 23:07:22 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 17, 2017 20:50:27 GMT -5
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at McD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 18, 2017 3:52:26 GMT -5
Hey, y'all...Enjoy your day!
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2017 11:51:48 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Nov 19, 2017 11:51:48 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 19, 2017 12:09:17 GMT -5
What? WHAT??
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 19, 2017 12:10:21 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Nov 20, 2017 16:23:02 GMT -5
Martha had a parrot called Brutus. Her only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, so she needed to train Brutus quickly NOT to swear. Just before her mother-in-law was due to arrive, Brutus began cussing up a storm so Martha grabbed the parrot and stuck him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool him off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?" Martha asked. Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have. but I have one question, What did the turkey do?"
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 21, 2017 1:30:29 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Nov 22, 2017 4:52:20 GMT -5
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?............................He had an arrow escape..........
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Nov 23, 2017 8:36:36 GMT -5
A man went to a poultry farm on Thanksgiving to get a turkey. "Do you have any turkeys that go cheap?" he asked. "Nope." said the owner. "All our turkeys go gobble gobble."
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