wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 14, 2017 10:05:01 GMT -5
Granted, it's taken a lifetime, but I now totally understand how batteries feel because I'm hardly ever included in things either...................................
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Sept 16, 2017 5:21:54 GMT -5
Dogs and cats...............A dog thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me take good care of me.......THEY MUST BE GODS!..........A cat thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me and take good care of me.......I MUST BE A GOD!!
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grits
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2012 13:43:33 GMT -5
Posts: 3,185
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Post by grits on Sept 16, 2017 14:42:30 GMT -5
True story. Woman on my route called the city to report a snake was in her house. It had her 25 year old son trapped in his bedroom. The city got there, and captured.... a hair weave.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Jokes
Sept 16, 2017 16:20:34 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 16, 2017 16:20:34 GMT -5
True story. Woman on my route called the city to report a snake was in her house. It had her 25 year old son trapped in his bedroom. The city got there, and captured.... a hair weave.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Sept 17, 2017 3:29:27 GMT -5
I was outside working in the yard when I noticed my dog visiting with the neighbor's pup through the chain link fence. My dog says; "I met someone wonderful in a chatroom. Then I found out she was a cat!"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 17, 2017 12:29:23 GMT -5
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,913
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2017 15:15:53 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Sept 17, 2017 15:15:53 GMT -5
That doesn't work and you end up in ER. I could share how I know this...
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billisonboard
Community Leader
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 17, 2017 15:26:29 GMT -5
Maybe in the cat world, ...
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 17, 2017 15:37:08 GMT -5
What other world is there?
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 18, 2017 7:31:09 GMT -5
The following from a collection of dog thoughts by I. R. A. Canine; To God, From: The Dog......."Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom one another?" .....Dear God, when we go to heaven can we sit on your couch or is it still the same old story? Dear God; More meatballs, less spaghetti please! Dear God; Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are will I have to apologize? Dear God; Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit but not one named for a dog? Come on now, how often do you see a cougar riding around in one? We, on the other hand, love a nice car ride. Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 19, 2017 22:36:10 GMT -5
I could share how I know this...
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 21, 2017 0:25:15 GMT -5
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 21, 2017 7:47:11 GMT -5
EAT right!!!! ..........Stay FIT!!!!!..............DIE anyway!!!
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 21, 2017 7:48:45 GMT -5
EAT right!!!! ..........Stay FIT!!!!!..............DIE anyway!!! That's no joke
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Sept 22, 2017 9:14:53 GMT -5
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway..........
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 22, 2017 15:33:23 GMT -5
Two drunks find a mirror in the road. One of them picks it up, looks into it and says: "I know that face but can't put a name to it." The second drunk takes it off him, looks at it and says: "It's ME you idiot."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 23, 2017 12:20:55 GMT -5
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 24, 2017 6:14:09 GMT -5
Mrs Ward goes to the doctor's office to get her husband's lab test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but there has been a big mix up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples for another Mr. Ward were sent as well. and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly , it is either bad, or terrible."" "What do you mean?" Mrs WArd asked. "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimers and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is which." said the lab tech. "That IS terrible. Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." replied the tech. "Well, what am I supposed to do?" asked Mrs. Ward. "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of downtown. If he finds his way home......don't sleep with him!"
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 25, 2017 3:45:25 GMT -5
Our Friend, Dave, drowned. So, at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt....Well...It's what he WOULD have wanted.......
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Sept 26, 2017 5:25:34 GMT -5
A man was sitting with his dog in a movie theater. The dog was cheering on the hero, laughing hysterically, and having a great time when the usher approached. "That's strange. You're dog is really enjoying the movie." said the usher. "I know," said the man, "I can't figure it out either. He hated the book!".........
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 26, 2017 6:25:24 GMT -5
I've heard that during labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what it feels like when a man has a cold. Almost.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 27, 2017 6:38:51 GMT -5
Upon entering the little country store the stranger noticed a sign saying; Danger! Beware of Dog!! , posted on the glass door.. Once inside he noticed a harmless old hound-dog sound asleep on the floor next to the cash register. He asked the store owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," the owner replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused and said, "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous hound to me. Why in the world did you post that sign?" The store owner looked at the stranger and replied; "Because before I posted that sign every single person entering this store tripped over him."
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Sept 28, 2017 6:34:55 GMT -5
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said; "We want to know if we are making love properly, will you look at us?" "Go ahead" said the doctor. They made love. The doctor then said, "You are making love perfectly. That will be $10." The couple then came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor asked, "What are you coming here like this for? I told you you are making love properly." "She can't come to my house." Said the man, "And I can't go to hers. A motel costs $29, you charge $10 , and medicare reimburses us $8 for each visit."
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billisonboard
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 22:45:44 GMT -5
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 28, 2017 7:31:56 GMT -5
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said; "We want to know if we are making love properly, will you look at us?" "Go ahead" said the doctor. They made love. The doctor then said, "You are making love perfectly. That will be $10." The couple then came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor asked, "What are you coming here like this for? I told you you are making love properly." "She can't come to my house." Said the man, "And I can't go to hers. A motel costs $29, you charge $10 , and medicare reimburses us $8 for each visit." That is a really old joke. I mean, look at those dollar amounts.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2017 8:17:52 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Sept 28, 2017 8:17:52 GMT -5
EAT right!!!! ..........Stay FIT!!!!!..............DIE anyway!!! Jim Fixx comes to mind.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Sept 28, 2017 8:22:44 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 28, 2017 8:22:44 GMT -5
EAT right!!!! ..........Stay FIT!!!!!..............DIE anyway!!! Jim Fixx comes to mind. The first person that came to my mind was Herman Tarnower!!
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Tennesseer
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2017 8:24:04 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Sept 28, 2017 8:24:04 GMT -5
True story. Woman on my route called the city to report a snake was in her house. It had her 25 year old son trapped in his bedroom. The city got there, and captured.... a hair weave. Over the past few years, I now see more stray chunks of hair weaves in the middle of the street than I do stray dogs.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
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Post by Tennesseer on Sept 28, 2017 8:26:45 GMT -5
The first person that came to my mind was Herman Tarnower!! I remember him. Jean Harris was one unhappy camper.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Sept 28, 2017 8:28:48 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 28, 2017 8:28:48 GMT -5
True story. Woman on my route called the city to report a snake was in her house. It had her 25 year old son trapped in his bedroom. The city got there, and captured.... a hair weave. Over the past few years, I now see more stray chunks of hair weaves in the middle of the street than I do stray dogs. I saw one just as I stepped out of my car at Home Depot. Scared the bejesus out of me till I realized what it was. I parked down at the Garden Center entrance so I'm thinking creepy crawlers were on the loose!!
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Tennesseer
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Sept 28, 2017 8:38:35 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Sept 28, 2017 8:38:35 GMT -5
Over the past few years, I now see more stray chunks of hair weaves in the middle of the street than I do stray dogs. I saw one just as I stepped out of my car at Home Depot. Scared the bejesus out of me till I realized what it was. I parked down at the Garden Center entrance so I'm thinking creepy crawlers were on the loose!! Speaking of creepy crawlers (though I respect snakes and their place and purpose in nature), look before you sit.
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