wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Aug 14, 2017 7:01:55 GMT -5
I was sitting around the last day or so thinking about how old people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, They are cramming for their "finals".......
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Aug 16, 2017 13:43:17 GMT -5
What is the difference between men and pigs? .........Pigs don't turn into men when they drink............
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 16, 2017 17:43:47 GMT -5
If your cup is only half full... I suggest buying a smaller bra.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 23:31:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2017 18:40:03 GMT -5
If your cup is only half full... I suggest buying a smaller bra. ... or getting implants!
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 17, 2017 0:55:48 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 17, 2017 2:18:21 GMT -5
This is so me these days... My new exercise program
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Aug 17, 2017 4:52:27 GMT -5
Retirement Facts; (1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you. (2) In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. (3) NO one expects you to run.........anywhere. (4) People no longer see you as a hypochondriac. (5) There is nothing left to learn the hard way. (6) Things you buy now won't wear out. (7) You can live without sex, but not without your glasses, (8) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. (9) You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. (10) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. (11) Your secrets are now safe with friends because they can't remember them either. (12) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. (13) Your joints are more accurate meteoroligists than the National Weather Service. (14) You can't remember who sent you this list.
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 18, 2017 0:31:14 GMT -5
Date: So what do you do?
Me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist.
Date: Oh wow.
Fox: and a ventriloquist.
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Aug 18, 2017 7:46:45 GMT -5
Bank.........a place that will lend you money........if you don't need it.
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 19, 2017 21:25:59 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 22, 2017 1:55:48 GMT -5
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 25, 2017 0:50:27 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 25, 2017 0:53:41 GMT -5
I float up that river all the time. Esp when I'm running late! bwahahaha
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 25, 2017 0:54:04 GMT -5
No one is perfect... Everyone's ass has a crack in it! I guess if I say I am (perfect), that would mean I'm full of shi+?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,913
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 25, 2017 19:25:58 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 25, 2017 20:30:39 GMT -5
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,913
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 25, 2017 20:37:50 GMT -5
He'd be saying "send me some more toilet paper!"
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,913
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 25, 2017 20:38:54 GMT -5
What can I say? He was an accountant. Ranks up there with an engineer. Very practical.
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Aug 26, 2017 5:10:42 GMT -5
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled newspaper round his head. Wife: "What are you doing dear?" Husband: "Swatting flies. I got three males and two females." Wife: "How do you know which gender they were?" Husband: "Easy, Three were on my beer and the other two were on the phone."
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 28, 2017 17:02:40 GMT -5
A lttle kid.........."What's a shitzu?"
His friend............"A zoo with no animals"........
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Sept 2, 2017 22:28:23 GMT -5
The length of a minute depends entirely on which side of the bathroom door you're on!
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Sept 6, 2017 5:13:23 GMT -5
An old Irish woman visited with her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" said the doctor. "Not a chance." she said "He won't even take an aspirin," "Not problem" replied the doctor," Give him an Irish Viagra." "What is Irish Viagra," she asked. "It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even notice or taste it. Give it a try and lets talk in a week." A week later the doctor called the woman to check on the results. The poor lady exclaimed; "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just terrible doctor!" "Oh my, really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped up with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arms he sent me biscuits and gravy, and me cups and saucers a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately right on the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare." "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" ""Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitti'n here, I'll never be able to show me face in that restaurant again!"
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Sept 8, 2017 15:43:54 GMT -5
And today, a bit of wisdom from our Golden Retriever: Dogs: "No one ever expects you to pay for your dinner or lunch. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's somebody else's fault!"
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Sept 8, 2017 16:29:37 GMT -5
And today, a bit of wisdom from our Golden Retriever: Dogs: "No one ever expects you to pay for your dinner or lunch. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's somebody else's fault!" They RETRIEVE your dinner too
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Sept 9, 2017 5:22:31 GMT -5
Ahhhhhh! Retirement !!!!! Retirement, folks, means; NO pressure, NO stress, NO heartache............. UNLESS...........you play golf,,,,,,,,,
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
|
Post by toomuchreality on Sept 9, 2017 5:47:52 GMT -5
I've never done this before on my tablet. I hope it works !
I don't normally care for things like this, but this lady cracks me up! Bwahaha !
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Sept 12, 2017 0:53:51 GMT -5
He looks a little cross.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 12, 2017 14:31:45 GMT -5
He looks a little cross. Die Hard is one of my favorite movies - Christmas movies at that
|
|
wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
|
Post by wyouser on Sept 13, 2017 4:58:26 GMT -5
Have you noticed that its really hard to explain "puns" to kleptomaniacs? I mean they always take things......literally!
|
|
grits
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2012 13:43:33 GMT -5
Posts: 3,185
|
Post by grits on Sept 14, 2017 8:48:33 GMT -5
Or use a lighter! That doesn't work and you end up in ER.
|
|