wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 10, 2017 16:07:14 GMT -5
IRS Agent; "What's all this Mr Bracken?" Mr Bracken replies; "Well, you told me to bring all my records with me to the audit, and I did. See, I have some by Willie Nelson, a couple by Tammy Wynette, a Garth Brooks, a couple by the Beatles and..................
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 10, 2017 23:05:50 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 11, 2017 20:27:29 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 22:06:47 GMT -5
Hello TMR!!!!!! Haven't seen you around in a while. But then again, I am not here as often either. Good seeing you.
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 14, 2017 11:07:14 GMT -5
What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes...hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM?...........The Easter Elephant!
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 17, 2017 12:44:07 GMT -5
A Panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun , and shoots the waiter dead. As the Panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey, where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The Panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda. "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 17, 2017 23:33:36 GMT -5
Ugh. It was so easy to resize things on here, with firefox. Chrome, not so much. Sorry! (Hi Heart!♥ I was just thinking of you. I hope you are well.) Groan!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2017 3:02:54 GMT -5
It's a little naughty, but I believe it's within the PG limitations of ProBoards A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed completely off in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a completely new and fully functional penis from stem cells. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a short member before and get something larger now she might be a bit put out. If you had a larger member before and you decide to only, shall we say 'make a smaller investment' now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" the doctor asks.
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops." says sadly. Sent to me via e-mail, so no link available.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 18, 2017 6:37:37 GMT -5
A Panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun , and shoots the waiter dead. As the Panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey, where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The Panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda. "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves." Good reference book.
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Rob Base 2.0
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Apr 18, 2017 7:16:24 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 18, 2017 11:54:22 GMT -5
Three seniors, enjoying the spring weather, are out for a stroll. One of them remarks, "It's Windy!." Another replies, "No way. It's Thursday!" The last one says, "Me Too! Let's have a soda."
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 19, 2017 10:09:11 GMT -5
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and planted apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he had not been there for a while in order to look it over. He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end off the pool. One of the women shouted to him; "we're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned. "I did not come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator." (moral of the story, some old men can still think fast)
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 19, 2017 11:51:27 GMT -5
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and planted apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he had not been there for a while in order to look it over. He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end off the pool. One of the women shouted to him; "we're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned. "I did not come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator." (moral of the story, some old men can still think fast) Was his last name Boudreaux ETA I love Boudreaux jokes too.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 19, 2017 12:02:54 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 19, 2017 12:12:11 GMT -5
still among my favorite Loony Tunes!! Question though. How is it that ACME still exists? With all that coyote advertising and all......
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 19, 2017 23:29:29 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 20, 2017 11:08:54 GMT -5
Question: WHY do golfers wear two pair of pants? ...........In case they get a hole- in- one........
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 20, 2017 23:15:18 GMT -5
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 21, 2017 10:47:45 GMT -5
An Alabama man was looking for a place to live but, was not having much success. Finally he came upon a farm house. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he went up the farmer and asked him if he had a room to rent. The farmer said the only place he had left was the outhouse, but that he was welcome to rent it. The man was grateful and moved in right away. Next day, the farmer saw 2 t v antennas on top of the outhouse. Somewhat bewildered he knocked on the door to ask about the extra antenna. The man said, "Well, I sublet the basement to a feller from Louisiana."
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 24, 2017 10:43:23 GMT -5
As I join the ranks of "seniors" I must admit that finally I thoroughly see how batteries feel on the grounds that I am seldom included in things either.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 24, 2017 13:20:47 GMT -5
As I join the ranks of "seniors" I must admit that finally I thoroughly see how batteries feel on the grounds that I am seldom included in things either. My wife will say, "I don't get that commercial." I tell her, "We aren't supposed to, we are old and aren't included in their target audience any longer."
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Apr 25, 2017 10:47:04 GMT -5
A hip young man goes out and buys one of the best cars available; A 2017 Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It is one of the most expensive cars in the world, and sets him back $1.24 million. He takes it out for a spin, and while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking to be about 90) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek shiny surface of the car and asks; "What kind of car ya got there , sonny?" The young man replies, "A Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24 million." "That's a lot of money," says the old man,, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour." states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks; "Can I take a look inside.?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right." Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHOOOSSHH!!! Something whips by him going much, much, faster. "What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOSSSSHHHH! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!! "Couldn't be," thinks the gut, "How could a moped out run a Bugattii?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear vies mirror. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Ka-blammm!!!! It plows right into the back of his car demolishing the rear end! The young man jumps out , and, good grief!! It is the old man and his moped!!! Of course both of them are in a world of hurt. He runs up to the old man and says; "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies; "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 25, 2017 19:08:57 GMT -5
A hip young man goes out and buys one of the best cars available; A 2017 Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It is one of the most expensive cars in the world, and sets him back $1.24 million. He takes it out for a spin, and while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking to be about 90) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek shiny surface of the car and asks; "What kind of car ya got there , sonny?" The young man replies, "A Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24 million." "That's a lot of money," says the old man,, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour." states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks; "Can I take a look inside.?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right." Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHOOOSSHH!!! Something whips by him going much, much, faster. "What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOSSSSHHHH! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!! "Couldn't be," thinks the gut, "How could a moped out run a Bugattii?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear vies mirror. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Ka-blammm!!!! It plows right into the back of his car demolishing the rear end! The young man jumps out , and, good grief!! It is the old man and his moped!!! Of course both of them are in a world of hurt. He runs up to the old man and says; "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies; "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!" There was a song years ago about an old car keeping up with a high end car. Lordy I can't think of the title to the song but it was along the same lines as this joke. I'm thinking a Studebaker and Cadillac maybe. May do a google search or youtube search late to see if I can find it.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 25, 2017 19:45:57 GMT -5
A hip young man goes out and buys one of the best cars available; A 2017 Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It is one of the most expensive cars in the world, and sets him back $1.24 million. He takes it out for a spin, and while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking to be about 90) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek shiny surface of the car and asks; "What kind of car ya got there , sonny?" The young man replies, "A Bugattii Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24 million." "That's a lot of money," says the old man,, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour." states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks; "Can I take a look inside.?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right." Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHOOOSSHH!!! Something whips by him going much, much, faster. "What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. WHHHOOOSSSSHHHH! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!! "Couldn't be," thinks the gut, "How could a moped out run a Bugattii?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear vies mirror. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Ka-blammm!!!! It plows right into the back of his car demolishing the rear end! The young man jumps out , and, good grief!! It is the old man and his moped!!! Of course both of them are in a world of hurt. He runs up to the old man and says; "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies; "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!" There was a song years ago about an old car keeping up with a high end car. Lordy I can't think of the title to the song but it was along the same lines as this joke. I'm thinking a Studebaker and Cadillac maybe. May do a google search or youtube search late to see if I can find it. Beep, Beep.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Apr 25, 2017 19:46:32 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 25, 2017 20:03:15 GMT -5
Thank you from the bottom of my heart billisonboard . I was just about to start searching for it.
I hate it when I can't remember stuff right off and this was bugging me!! You saved an old lady from cursing computer!!!!!
ETA and on top of that I had the wrong car!! And I was in high school when it first came out
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Apr 28, 2017 13:26:46 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure this person doesn't exist:
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 2, 2017 0:52:41 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2017 19:21:33 GMT -5
Ummm... yeah, it actually kind of does mean you're guilty. He may get you acquitted though.
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on May 3, 2017 11:15:46 GMT -5
On a warm sunny summer evening, a jogger saw an old man sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. The jogger stopped to ask why the old man was so tearful. The man said, "I recently married a beautiful young woman. every morning we make love, then she makes me an incredible breakfast before going to her high paying executive job. She comes home at noon and we make love again before she makes me a wonderful lunch and then she goes back to work. In the evening she is home like clockwork and we make love before she makes an incredible dinner for us. Later, we go to bed for the night and we make love again and we fall asleep in each others arms. Day after day it's the same." "So why," asks the jogger, "are you sitting her crying your eyes out?" "Well, the old man says, "I went out for a walk after lunch today and..........I forgot where I live......."
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