wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 16, 2017 12:00:42 GMT -5
And, here is a St. Patrick's Day Toast; Here's to a long life and a merry one!.......A quick death and an easy one!........A pretty girl and an honest one!.......A cold beer and another one!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 17, 2017 10:19:20 GMT -5
"Young Man" said the Judge looking at the defendant, "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your sorry state." "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied O'Leary with a big sigh of relief, "Everyone else says it's all my fault!"
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,683
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 17, 2017 16:26:56 GMT -5
Not really a joke:
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2017 9:51:22 GMT -5
Post by wyouser on Mar 20, 2017 9:51:22 GMT -5
Not really a joke: Only a "true" collectors fully understands the meaning of this
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 20, 2017 12:20:15 GMT -5
Hey...look at this! LSD causes users to lose weight! Obviously, You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge!!
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,258
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 20, 2017 17:34:48 GMT -5
Hey...look at this! LSD causes users to lose weight! Obviously, You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge!! or 10,000 spiders!!
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 21, 2017 21:53:48 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,258
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 22, 2017 16:39:35 GMT -5
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 23, 2017 15:50:44 GMT -5
After years of searching I have finally found the epitath I want on my tombstone......."Born Free....Taxed to Death"
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 24, 2017 15:10:05 GMT -5
For any of you at or approaching retirement, we offer the following for contemplation: A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the GASTHAUS zum LOWEN restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. .....10 years later, at 50 years of age the group meets again to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthaus zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is great too.. ......10 years later ay 60 years of age, the group meets again to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is decided that they should meet at the Gashaus zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. .......10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again to discuss where they will meet. Finally , it is decided that they should meet at the Gasthaus zum L:owen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. ....10 years later at age 80, the group gatheres to discuss where they should meet. Finally it is decided that they should meet at the Gasthaus zum Lowen because that would be a great idea and none of them had ever been there before.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 11:23:20 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2017 20:57:43 GMT -5
Received this in an e-mail (so can't "link to source")... A retired guy sits around the house all day. So, one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful - like vacuum the house once a week”. The guy says; “Sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.” Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working. I thought you were using it.” Exasperated, Joe answers, “The stupid thing is broken !! It won't start !! We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says. “Show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did...
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,258
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 24, 2017 21:03:38 GMT -5
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 27, 2017 11:21:43 GMT -5
Working people frequently ask retired folks what they do to make their lives interesting. One couple replied; "Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went inrto town and went into a shop. We were there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, Come on man! How about giving a senior citizen a break?" When he ignored us and continued writing the ticket, I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires. So , my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 30 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally , we didn't care. We came downtown by bus.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2017 11:22:47 GMT -5
Post by Virgil Showlion on Mar 28, 2017 11:22:47 GMT -5
@ the vacuum guy.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Mar 28, 2017 11:37:31 GMT -5
Three priests from three different congregations were sitting on a bench chatting. They were good friends and hence after a while their chat turned into a candid discussion on their personal failings.
"I'm deeply ashamed to admit this," said one priest, "but I find myself yearning for one of the women in my congregation. A married woman."
The other priests gasped, shocked, but spared him any condemnation.
"Well, brothers," said another priest, "I too must admit sin. I struggle with gambling. I've tried to quit, but the urge is so strong sometimes I'm tempted to steal from the collection plate."
Again the others gasped, but didn't condemn him.
"And what about you?" The first priest asked the third, who hadn't yet spoken. "Do you have any great failings in your life?"
"I do," replied the third, embarrassed. "But I can't possibly talk about it."
"Not to worry, brother," the others assured him. "We're all friends here, and we'll leave judgment to God. Tell us and unburden yourself."
"Very well," said the third. "It shames me to say this, but I'm an utterly incurable gossip."
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 29, 2017 17:40:49 GMT -5
Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Mar 30, 2017 14:19:17 GMT -5
There were two retired men. One of the men said, "I feel like a newborn baby." The other man asked why. The first man said, "I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed my pants."
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Apr 1, 2017 20:44:47 GMT -5
I struck my finger in her hole and felt her getting wet. I took my finger out and she started to go down on me
It was than I realized I need a new boat.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 2, 2017 8:48:07 GMT -5
Received this in an e-mail (so can't "link to source")... A retired guy sits around the house all day. So, one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful - like vacuum the house once a week”. The guy says; “Sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.” Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working. I thought you were using it.” Exasperated, Joe answers, “The stupid thing is broken !! It won't start !! We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says. “Show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did... Did he check to see if there was gas in it
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
Posts: 12,126
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Post by wyouser on Apr 3, 2017 11:56:37 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude, the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It is a vey special watch. It has been in my family for 6 generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a thousand pieces. SH*T! said the hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.....
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sesfw
Junior Associate
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 15:45:17 GMT -5
Posts: 6,268
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Jokes
Apr 3, 2017 13:46:50 GMT -5
Post by sesfw on Apr 3, 2017 13:46:50 GMT -5
This is a good one ............. so true
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wyouser
Senior Associate
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Post by wyouser on Apr 4, 2017 9:58:16 GMT -5
A study just released today finds that naps prevent old age especially if you take them while driving!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 5, 2017 0:23:11 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 5, 2017 0:26:24 GMT -5
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 5, 2017 0:29:57 GMT -5
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Apr 5, 2017 10:32:26 GMT -5
What's brown and black and looks really good on an IRS agent?..................a Doberman!
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wyouser
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:35:20 GMT -5
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Post by wyouser on Apr 7, 2017 10:32:55 GMT -5
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS Agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor, yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 8, 2017 4:05:08 GMT -5
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man; No time to talk Ah ah ah ah Stayin' Alive
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,683
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 8, 2017 22:13:54 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 9, 2017 8:03:24 GMT -5
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