Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 19, 2016 12:11:20 GMT -5
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow. Horrible. Just horrible.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 19, 2016 12:11:39 GMT -5
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 13:42:05 GMT -5
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 13:42:55 GMT -5
Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds this week.
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ken a.k.a OMK
Senior Associate
They killed Kenny, the bastards.
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:39:20 GMT -5
Posts: 14,251
Location: Maryland
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Post by ken a.k.a OMK on Nov 23, 2016 13:44:41 GMT -5
What's a scale?
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 13:53:25 GMT -5
I told you I would be ready in five minutes. Stop calling me every half hour.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 26, 2016 3:14:35 GMT -5
10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 26, 2016 3:21:17 GMT -5
One-liners from Real Résumés These jokes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms." 3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 26, 2016 17:21:09 GMT -5
One-liners from Real Résumés These jokes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine. 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms." 3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." I never got as far as reading the guy's resume who felt the need to light matches in the office to burn off the scent of his odoriferous farts. I just said thanks and saw him out the door.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 26, 2016 17:23:16 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 26, 2016 17:27:16 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 27, 2016 4:15:41 GMT -5
I never got as far as reading the guy's resume who felt the need to light matches in the office to burn off the scent of his odoriferous farts. I just said thanks and saw him out the door. Maybe he was looking for a fart-time job.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Nov 27, 2016 4:20:24 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 27, 2016 9:18:28 GMT -5
I never got as far as reading the guy's resume who felt the need to light matches in the office to burn off the scent of his odoriferous farts. I just said thanks and saw him out the door. Maybe he was looking for a fart-time job. That's not punny at all!
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toshmanta
Familiar Member
An evil man threw tobacco in the macaque-rhesus eyes.
Joined: Oct 29, 2016 15:29:57 GMT -5
Posts: 726
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2016 9:51:04 GMT -5
Post by toshmanta on Nov 27, 2016 9:51:04 GMT -5
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rob base
Well-Known Member
Joined: Aug 21, 2016 13:08:22 GMT -5
Posts: 1,433
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Post by rob base on Nov 27, 2016 10:02:32 GMT -5
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Between us, something smells....
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 30, 2016 12:39:48 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 3, 2016 11:55:51 GMT -5
I know, it's awfully punny:
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 4, 2016 2:28:01 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 6, 2016 22:10:50 GMT -5
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 12:03:25 GMT -5
I went to the Air and Space museum. There was nothing there.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 12:05:11 GMT -5
If pride comes before a Fall, Humility should come by Winter.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 12:06:16 GMT -5
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 12:18:36 GMT -5
Earl and Bubba are sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months. Earl spits overboard, tales a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 13:24:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 12:22:46 GMT -5
Redneck word of the day... Rectum. Correct usage; I had two nice four wheelers before I rectum.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 8, 2016 2:00:08 GMT -5
I just knew I was going to get thrown out of the optimism society.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 8, 2016 2:01:33 GMT -5
"Why is your homework in your dad's writing?” the teacher asked little Johnny.
“I used his pen,” he replied.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 8, 2016 8:02:53 GMT -5
Q. Why do ducks fly over Boston upside down? A. There's nothing worth craping on!
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,688
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 8, 2016 12:59:27 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Dec 8, 2016 17:56:46 GMT -5
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