Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2016 22:52:35 GMT -5
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2016 20:32:44 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Sept 18, 2016 20:32:44 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 18, 2016 20:34:10 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2016 14:38:43 GMT -5
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Georgie grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.
If you're not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2016 22:47:56 GMT -5
Results of a women's survey on size. Women's responses: 2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches - I've had bigger than it. 5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger. 6 inches - perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach. This survey was actually feedback on different SIZES of: Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think! This is why I worry about you!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 23, 2016 0:43:22 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 28, 2016 0:11:11 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 28, 2016 7:42:08 GMT -5
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school. Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 29, 2016 13:48:11 GMT -5
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Post by honeysweetEFCOwithsugar on Sept 30, 2016 13:42:55 GMT -5
This baby seal walks into a bar. the bartender ask "what can I get for you?" The baby seal replies "anything but a Canadian Club!"
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
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Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 30, 2016 14:39:00 GMT -5
Newfie Anniversary George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Melvin outside the jewellers. Melvin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what's at you just picked up, eh George?" Melvin I asks.
"Well, now that you've been asking," replies George, "it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, ''Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.''
"So what'd you get her?" Melvin asks.
George replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards".
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 30, 2016 14:43:03 GMT -5
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak,
But she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.
Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,
"Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,
Called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....
"I can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" "You know, that idiot who ran over Spot; He never even slowed down!!!!!!!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 1, 2016 9:54:40 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 5, 2016 22:05:47 GMT -5
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'This bull mated 50 times last year.' The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'This bull mated 120 times last year.' The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'This bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one!" The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 9, 2016 11:34:24 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 9, 2016 11:36:57 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 11, 2016 9:50:11 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 16, 2016 9:12:47 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 5:08:26 GMT -5
Q: Why did the buxom blonde agree to date a zombie?
A: Because she finally found a man that wanted her for her brains, not her looks!
(so it doesn't get lost, putting it here too!)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2016 13:45:01 GMT -5
Marriage is like a game of cards. First, all you need is a pair of hearts and a diamond. At the end, you wish you had a club and a spade !
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 22, 2016 12:55:29 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 23, 2016 11:08:56 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2016 11:40:42 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Jokes
Oct 26, 2016 0:28:55 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Oct 26, 2016 0:28:55 GMT -5
"She just hit him in the head with a bible..." I wish this had a video!!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2016 12:11:45 GMT -5
"She just hit him in the head with a bible..." I wish this had a video!! According to the details (it actually happened), he was leaving a voicemail as to why he was going to be late.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 30, 2016 2:58:09 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Oct 31, 2016 19:46:12 GMT -5
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OldCoyote
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Post by OldCoyote on Nov 5, 2016 8:55:50 GMT -5
Well, I went to a divorce attorney today, Told him I was in need of his services. After fifty years of marriage, it is done!
My attorney said If you have been married for fifty years Why are you quitting now?
I said let's go back to our twenty fifth anniversary, I took my wife to Paris,,, And both of us agree that the last twenty five years have been great!!
My attorney said, well why are you divorcing now??
Last week I went back, Pick her up!!!!!!!!!!!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 14, 2016 23:32:02 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 13:24:42 GMT -5
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
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