tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Aug 28, 2016 23:55:54 GMT -5
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 0:23:34 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 0:27:13 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 0:28:25 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 0:29:22 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 0:34:11 GMT -5
I don't like posting pictures of spiders. This is an exception! I don't care how you do it... KILL that son of a B****, QUICK!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 29, 2016 3:14:01 GMT -5
Just in time for nekkid day!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 29, 2016 3:15:13 GMT -5
Who to choose... between a crook and a con... oh well it could be worse (maybe?) I know how she feels.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 9:43:54 GMT -5
Who to choose... between a crook and a con... oh well it could be worse (maybe?) I know how she feels. It sucks when this is your best option! What happened to all the little kids who wanted to be President, when they grew up?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 29, 2016 11:02:16 GMT -5
Reality hits
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 12:26:47 GMT -5
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!" Been there !
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 19:57:44 GMT -5
I know how she feels. It sucks when this is your best option! What happened to all the little kids who wanted to be President, when they grew up? Most of them didn't become rich enough to be able to afford to run. The rest became rich enough to run by being smart enough to realize what a stupid idea it was.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 22:10:20 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 29, 2016 23:13:22 GMT -5
bwahahaha
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Deleted
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Aug 31, 2016 11:13:27 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2016 11:13:27 GMT -5
It sucks when this is your best option! What happened to all the little kids who wanted to be President, when they grew up? Most of them didn't become rich enough to be able to afford to run. The rest became rich enough to run by being smart enough to realize what a stupid idea it was.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 1, 2016 19:47:20 GMT -5
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN (of England, ninnies) To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North & South Dakota,( which shall be handed back to the Indians). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! FILES.CTCTCDN.COM
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 1, 2016 20:04:36 GMT -5
And I agree with it. A monarch is looking better and better right now.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Sept 3, 2016 3:09:07 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 4, 2016 0:11:10 GMT -5
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zibazinski
Community Leader
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 5, 2016 5:06:11 GMT -5
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN (of England, ninnies) To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North & South Dakota,( which shall be handed back to the Indians). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! FILES.CTCTCDN.COM Yeah, half their country is on welfare too. Not much different but pretty accents.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 5, 2016 18:12:04 GMT -5
I shoot people and cut their heads off. What am I? A camera.
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tigerpause
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Sept 6, 2016 0:36:49 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Sept 6, 2016 0:36:49 GMT -5
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 6, 2016 6:52:44 GMT -5
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony. Well, I have to admit a first on the joke thread. I had to google this one Get it now with correct pronunciation/different spelling - hey it's early and I'm old!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 8:11:08 GMT -5
I know how she feels. It sucks when this is your best option! What happened to all the little kids who wanted to be President, when they grew up? They learn to lie and call names in elementary school? Oh wait they're still doing it!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 9, 2016 9:42:59 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 23:01:19 GMT -5
With a very seductive voice a woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited. After which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Sept 11, 2016 1:01:59 GMT -5
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
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uncle23
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Post by uncle23 on Sept 13, 2016 16:09:22 GMT -5
..... I was helping a fellow senior solve a computer problem and told him to click on a button that looks like wheel on the right upper corner of the screen then click on "settings"... after we solve his problem he sighed " I always thought that computers are more complicated than women.....you never know which button to push "...
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 13, 2016 17:11:27 GMT -5
The Argument
Boudreaux & Marie were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, Boudreaux said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.
" Marie replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all dem people at the wedding."
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uncle23
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Post by uncle23 on Sept 14, 2016 18:32:07 GMT -5
....
from Tyfigter3...
The Farmer went out and bought him a young Rooster for his Hen house. Opened the door and tossed him in. Now when the young rooster got in there he saw a old rooster there. The old rooster came up to him and said that they could fight it out over the hens or they could have a 10 lap race around the hen house and the winner would have all of the hens. The young rooster thought about this and looked over the old rooster that could hardly walk and said yes. The old rooster had one of the hens to start the race, when she said go the old rooster took off flapping his wings and squaking like hell. The young rooster no matter what he could do just could not get in front of him. Around the 7 lap the door flew open with the farmer wondering what all of the noise was, saw what was going on and shot the young rooster dead. Went over and picked the young rooster up and said ( Another Queer One).
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