tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 12, 2016 17:46:42 GMT -5
"I can see you in the middle of a huge storm, a log cabin and fir trees are standing behind you," said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball.
"I think that's actually a snow globe you've picked up there," I told her.
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 13, 2016 18:45:05 GMT -5
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 14, 2016 23:37:10 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,011
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
Member is Online
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 15, 2016 3:06:41 GMT -5
Three Olympians Three American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held, bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket. All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native land compete. They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by telling the guard their country and event. One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground. He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in! "That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went. "Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, ran to the gate, and announced "Poland. Fencing."
|
|
Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
|
Jokes
Aug 15, 2016 3:33:12 GMT -5
Post by Virgil Showlion on Aug 15, 2016 3:33:12 GMT -5
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail." A "like" because this is my grandfather's favourite joke.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2016 12:23:08 GMT -5
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that comes with full body scanners. It's an armored booth that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of the crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. So if you're in the Tel-Aviv airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion and shortly thereafter, the following announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat is available on flight 670 to London" --- you know their security system is working.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2016 11:07:37 GMT -5
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper." But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table. Kind of reminds you of Washington D.C., doesn't it?
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 21, 2016 22:53:07 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 0:46:17 GMT -5
Perfect cartoon... It would also fit Hillary though... just change "Tweet" to "Delete"!
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 22, 2016 23:06:54 GMT -5
I wish you Americans luck either way
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 22, 2016 23:07:48 GMT -5
Memory Test in the Old Folks' Home
The question asked is: "What is 2 + 2?"
Bert answered, "Tuesday."
Bill answered, "39."
Eric answered, "4."
"Well done Eric," said the tester, "How did you work it out?"
"I just subtracted Tuesday from 39."
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2016 23:34:40 GMT -5
I wish you Americans luck either way We're gonna need it! (but so will the rest of the world)
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2016 7:31:08 GMT -5
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: You neek up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way!
|
|
Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
|
Post by Virgil Showlion on Aug 23, 2016 11:33:11 GMT -5
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: You neek up on it! Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way! What does your post have to do with a decorated tree? They're both badge oaks.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2016 12:21:32 GMT -5
I wish you Americans luck either way From what I'm seeing, we're going to really need it this time.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 23, 2016 16:38:28 GMT -5
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,011
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
Member is Online
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 24, 2016 7:19:28 GMT -5
Grandma Doesn’t Need Glasses
All of us kids love Grandma, She has just turned ninety four. None of her friends can keep up With our Grandma anymore. She is always on the go And always at full throttle. She has no need for glasses. She drinks straight from bottle!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 0:24:17 GMT -5
Another Little Johnnie joke...
Teacher: "Today, class, we are going to learn about Abstract Nouns. An Abstract Noun is something you can think of but not touch... can anyone give me two examples?"
Immediately Little Johnnie raises his hand... Knowing Little Johnnie, the teacher tries to find another volunteer, but no one else puts their hand up.
Finally giving in to the inevitable, she points at Little Johnnie and says: "Yes, Johnnie? do you know of two examples of Abstract Nouns?"
Little Johnnie: "Yes ma'am... if an abstract noun is what you say it is, then two examples would be... your boobs!"
|
|
Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
|
Post by Virgil Showlion on Aug 25, 2016 17:43:19 GMT -5
That same day, the teacher puts Little Georgie on the spot: "Georgie, can you give us an example of an abstract noun?"
Georgie is flustered.
"Duh... an ab...stract n... oun?" He asks, confused.
"Excellent!" The teacher smiles a broad smile and puts her hands together. "How about you give us one more example?"
Georgie is more confused than ever now.
"Duh... example?" He asks.
"Right again!" The teacher beams, and recommends Georgie for the fast track program.
Georgie would later go on to become President of the United States of America.
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,011
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
Member is Online
|
Jokes
Aug 26, 2016 3:29:21 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 26, 2016 3:29:21 GMT -5
That same day, the teacher puts Little Georgie on the spot: "Georgie, can you give us an example of an abstract noun?" Georgie is flustered. "Duh... an ab...stract n... oun?" He asks, confused. "Excellent!" The teacher smiles a broad smile and puts her hands together. "How about you give us one more example?" Georgie is more confused than ever now. "Duh... example?" He asks. "Right again!" The teacher beams, and recommends Georgie for the fast track program. Georgie would later go on to become President of the United States of America. Ahhh... The land of opportunity! (or fools) As will be evident, if Trump wins!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2016 23:01:26 GMT -5
There's a company advertising "custom nameplates for dog houses" on a local fishing show that a man from bayou country is watching... so he thinks "My dawg's worth that much! I think I'll just call them up an' order him one of them for his home."
So he calls and places that order.
6 weeks go by and his dog's doghouse nameplate finally arrives. He open it up and he's nail-spitting mad. He calls them up to complain.
"You people got my dawg's name wrong! I ain't payin for no name plate with the wrong name on it!"
"Well... let me check the order... Did you tell the operator your dog's name was 'Fido'?"
"Yeah... but you people spelt it wrong! My dog's name is spelt proper. How was I s'posed to know your opraters ain't educated? It's P-H-I-D-E-A-U-X. Now, send me one spelt proper."
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Jokes
Aug 27, 2016 8:25:13 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2016 8:25:13 GMT -5
There's a company advertising "custom nameplates for dog houses" on a local fishing show that a man from bayou country is watching... so he thinks "My dawg's worth that much! I think I'll just call them up an' order him one of them for his home." So he calls and places that order. 6 weeks go by and his dog's doghouse nameplate finally arrives. He open it up and he's nail-spitting mad. He calls them up to complain. "You people got my dawg's name wrong! I ain't payin for no name plate with the wrong name on it!" "Well... let me check the order... Did you tell the operator your dog's name was 'Fido'?" "Yeah... but you people spelt it wrong! My dog's name is spelt proper. How was I s'posed to know your opraters ain't educated? It's P-H-I-D-E-A-U-X. Now, send me one spelt proper." A boudreaux joke!!! Love it.....
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2016 8:26:57 GMT -5
FIRST DEGREE
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The wife said, "Who was that?" Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast was clear."
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2016 8:28:38 GMT -5
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware. "
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2016 8:30:43 GMT -5
Boudreaux dies
I've got some bad news. There will be no more Boudreaux & Thibodeaux jokes. Boudreaux passed away and left a will. He wanted to be buried at sea. Thibodeaux drowned trying to dig his grave.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 27, 2024 19:25:05 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2016 12:21:54 GMT -5
That same day, the teacher puts Little Georgie on the spot: "Georgie, can you give us an example of an abstract noun?" Georgie is flustered. "Duh... an ab...stract n... oun?" He asks, confused. "Excellent!" The teacher smiles a broad smile and puts her hands together. "How about you give us one more example?" Georgie is more confused than ever now. "Duh... example?" He asks. "Right again!" The teacher beams, and recommends Georgie for the fast track program. Georgie would later go on to become President of the United States of America. Ahhh... The land of opportunity! (or fools) As will be evident, if Trump wins! This is supposed to be the joke thread. Take it back or 40% of the US population is going to come across the border in ATV's loaded with guns and bibles and give you the "what for".
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 27, 2016 12:25:10 GMT -5
Ahhh... The land of opportunity! (or fools) As will be evident, if Trump wins! This is supposed to be the joke thread. Take it back or 40% of the US population is going to come across the border in ATV's loaded with guns and bibles and give you the "what for". Nah, they will just conjur up the snow leopards. Problem solved.
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Post by tigerpause on Aug 27, 2016 12:52:23 GMT -5
Who to choose... between a crook and a con... oh well it could be worse (maybe?)
|
|
toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,011
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
Member is Online
|
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 28, 2016 3:21:18 GMT -5
Ahhh... The land of opportunity! (or fools) As will be evident, if Trump wins! This is supposed to be the joke thread. Take it back or 40% of the US population is going to come across the border in ATV's loaded with guns and bibles and give you the "what for". Oh. Um... Yeah. Just kidding!
|
|
tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
|
Jokes
Aug 28, 2016 23:55:37 GMT -5
Post by tigerpause on Aug 28, 2016 23:55:37 GMT -5
|
|