Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jun 22, 2016 13:18:34 GMT -5
If a red head goes crazy, is it called ginger snaps?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 19:59:27 GMT -5
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grits
Senior Member
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Posts: 3,185
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Post by grits on Jun 25, 2016 20:21:46 GMT -5
This year at the Republican Convention, 100 naked women are going to protest Donald Trump's alleged negative treatment of women. In an unrelated story, Bill Clinton is thinking of changing parties. This joke has to be one of the most funny things I have read in a long time.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 26, 2016 3:29:15 GMT -5
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter. 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE.........
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 26, 2016 3:46:59 GMT -5
Let's delve into the wonders of our language with a few reminders that even everyday words and expressions can be a source of amusement—with the proper twist, of course.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Account: A countess' husband.
Accrue: The people who run a ship.
Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Asset: A little donkey.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.
Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.
Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misty: How some golfers create divots.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.
Myth: A female moth.
Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Normalize: 20-20 vision.
Oily: The opposite of late.
Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.
Polygon: A dead parrot.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like, submarines.
Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 26, 2016 7:53:38 GMT -5
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 26, 2016 7:55:53 GMT -5
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 26, 2016 7:58:51 GMT -5
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 28, 2024 1:34:34 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 20:11:45 GMT -5
Introducing the all new DeWALT, 18 volt, battery operated, long range, automatic-feed nail gun (no federal or state registration required). For all those times you need to build a fence... from the comfort of your front porch.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 12:20:44 GMT -5
Introducing the all new DeWALT, 18 volt, battery operated, long range, automatic-feed nail gun (no federal or state registration required). For all those times you need to build a fence... from the comfort of your front porch. That'll get you around that next assault weapon ban. It's a nail gun !
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
Posts: 6,390
Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 27, 2016 16:15:25 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 30, 2016 3:40:36 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 22:35:11 GMT -5
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Mini-Profile Background: https://i.imgur.com/RZ8b5SP.png
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Post by tigerpause on Jul 5, 2016 0:23:39 GMT -5
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grits
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2012 13:43:33 GMT -5
Posts: 3,185
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Post by grits on Jul 10, 2016 18:09:51 GMT -5
It is one of the best I've seen in years. lol
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 0:53:30 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2016 1:54:29 GMT -5
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"No, coach."
...After a brief pause...
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2016 2:54:04 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 12, 2016 2:54:04 GMT -5
I can remember those days of sitting in the bleachers around some folks like that - says the mother of a kiddo who played baseball from age six to Babe Ruth
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 12, 2016 5:19:35 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 6:54:26 GMT -5
4 Irrefutable Facts We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is nicer! Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Guinness, Budweiser, Molsons, and Coors. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,691
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 13, 2016 12:08:28 GMT -5
A Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 12:30:52 GMT -5
Missed the first two and then got the rest correct once I was "in the groove".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 12:42:14 GMT -5
The first computer I was able to use in high school required "computer cards" that you had to punch out the little holes and then had to insert into a card reader. A computer keyboard didn't exist yet. With that in mind I'll tell this joke anyway... What did people do before the internet ? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either !
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2016 12:59:10 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Jul 13, 2016 12:59:10 GMT -5
Missed the first two and then got the rest correct once I was "in the groove". Thanks for the 'warning'. Only got the first one wrong.
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lexxy703
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2016 13:36:29 GMT -5
Post by lexxy703 on Jul 13, 2016 13:36:29 GMT -5
I'm a slow learner.....I only got the last 4 right
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2016 13:57:39 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 13, 2016 13:57:39 GMT -5
The first computer I was able to use in high school required "computer cards" that you had to punch out the little holes and then had to insert into a card reader. A computer keyboard didn't exist yet. With that in mind I'll tell this joke anyway... What did people do before the internet ? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either ! My first experience with computer was old IBM keypunch or at least that is what I remember it being called. That was back in 62 or early 63. Ok back to the jokes. Just wandered down memory lane for a minute!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 19:45:48 GMT -5
There are 10 types of people in the world... those that understand Binary and those that don't.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2016 0:21:01 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Jul 14, 2016 0:21:01 GMT -5
Missed the first two and then got the rest correct once I was "in the groove". I did the same thing. For a second, I thought it was saying 5000 was the correct answer and I wondered where I'd gone wrong. (I didn't!) LOL
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 14, 2016 17:59:41 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 14, 2016 18:35:59 GMT -5
I've never seen a runner with a smile in their face!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 17,012
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 14, 2016 20:07:47 GMT -5
I've never seen a runner with a smile in their face! Me either! But my ex is a runner and if he didn't run that day, for some reason... Oh geez. It was not fun at our house! Me, on the other hand... I trained for and ran, 1 5k. I finished in about the middle. Not first, but not last either. As I crossed the finish line, I said to him "There. I did it. Now leave me the Heck alone!" I have not run since. Those peeps are ! -hehehehe
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