Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 14, 2016 10:18:07 GMT -5
Hi everyone! I came across this message board while surfing the interwebs. Is there a thread where new posters like myself can introduce themselves to the other posters?
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 15, 2016 9:30:03 GMT -5
I had one too but the wheels fell off and it runs better upside down.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 15, 2016 9:32:15 GMT -5
Makes sense to me!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 21:57:24 GMT -5
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 13:20:26 GMT -5
This year at the Republican Convention, 100 naked women are going to protest Donald Trump's alleged negative treatment of women. In an unrelated story, Bill Clinton is thinking of changing parties.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 20, 2016 15:14:07 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 21:58:47 GMT -5
Brain Vs Brawn The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 22:02:45 GMT -5
A husband and his wife are talking:…….
Husband - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?" Wife - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!" Husband - "I won twelve dollars, here's six…. now get out!"
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
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Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
May 21, 2016 13:39:24 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 21, 2016 13:39:24 GMT -5
That joke can play out two ways, if you reverse the roles of husband/wife.
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Deleted
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Jokes
May 21, 2016 18:36:22 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 18:36:22 GMT -5
That joke can play out two ways, if you reverse the roles of husband/wife. Not down here in the US it can't. The husband never gets half of the wife's stuff in a divorce here. There's an old (but true) saying down here: "What's her is hers, and what's his is half hers"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 1:23:10 GMT -5
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town." said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 23, 2016 1:42:00 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 4:55:25 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a donkey with an IQ of 183? A: A smart ass!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on May 24, 2016 23:19:07 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 26, 2016 3:39:05 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 14:03:51 GMT -5
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 3:45:38 GMT -5
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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May 29, 2016 7:00:49 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on May 29, 2016 7:00:49 GMT -5
Too funny!!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2016 20:16:14 GMT -5
Subject: Jewish Divorce
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. He is not Jewish.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 20:10:55 GMT -5
The Tale of Two Woodpeckers A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: "Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. "
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jun 7, 2016 5:56:42 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 12:21:48 GMT -5
Son going for walk with his father.... Dad, did you know in other countries you don't even know your wife till you get married ?? Son, it's like that everywhere.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 12:25:06 GMT -5
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field ? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 12:27:48 GMT -5
Yeah, I've got OCD. Old, Cranky, and Dangerous.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jun 8, 2016 13:58:41 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 8, 2016 13:58:41 GMT -5
Yeah, I've got OCD. Old, Cranky, and Dangerous. Me too!!!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 18:15:49 GMT -5
Son going for walk with his father.... Dad, did you know in other countries you don't even know your wife till you get married ?? Son, it's like that everywhere. That's so true it's scary!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 21:22:11 GMT -5
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there...
It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 17, 2016 19:01:43 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 17, 2016 19:11:12 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 19:43:08 GMT -5
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart.....work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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