Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 2, 2016 19:11:46 GMT -5
How many Germans does it take to replace a light bulb? One - we are efficient and lack humor.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 2, 2016 20:06:14 GMT -5
Class Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow..........
They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . And the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?” After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... Yes I will!"
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes!” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No?’”
"Why you silly man,” she replied, “I said ‘Yes. Yes I will!’ And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I’m so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 2, 2016 20:10:22 GMT -5
>> Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love >> for words, >> such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or >> "to write >> with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who >> can come >> up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an >> undisclosed >> location. This year's winning submission is posted at the >> very end. >> >> ... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. >> >> ... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. >> >> ... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. >> >> ... The batteries were given out free of charge. >> >> ... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth >> and nail. >> >> ... A will is a dead giveaway. >> >> ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. >> ... A boiled egg is hard to beat. >> >> ... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a >> mall. >> >> ... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a >> three-year-old >> was resisting a rest. >> >> ... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was >> cut off? >> He's all right now. >> >> ... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. >> >> ... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. >> >> ... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully >> recovered. >> >> ... He had a photographic memory which was never developed. >> >> ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought >> she'd dye. >> >> ... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. .. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally >> exposed in the end. >> >> My son once told me about a man who opened and origami shop >> but it folded.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 2, 2016 20:14:15 GMT -5
Blonde Joke (Sorry, I had to send this one) This is the story of the young blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies.
She, frantically, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please, someone, help me!"
She then hears a voice on the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"
"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"........................
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Posts: 64,691
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Post by Tennesseer on May 2, 2016 20:34:19 GMT -5
"Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now."
Not quite but almost:
Did you hear about the woman who backed up into a moving airplane propeller?
Disaster.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2016 14:21:33 GMT -5
Bwahahaha!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2016 14:22:16 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2016 20:00:41 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 20:42:52 GMT -5
And all Victoria's Secret gives you is an EMPTY cup! (but on the plus side, theirs are "buy one get one free"...)
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 28, 2024 5:22:56 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 21:29:34 GMT -5
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?"
She said, "Don't forget your hat."'
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jokes
May 3, 2016 22:19:28 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2016 22:19:28 GMT -5
And all Victoria's Secret gives you is an EMPTY cup! (but on the plus side, theirs are "buy one get one free"...) Why didn't you tell me about this BEFORE I had my surgery?!
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on May 4, 2016 0:37:03 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 6, 2016 3:04:12 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 6, 2016 12:28:30 GMT -5
You are riding a horse. There is a giraffe next to you and a lion behind you. What do you do? Get your drunk arse off the carousel.
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
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Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 6, 2016 13:25:22 GMT -5
Quit drinking before 8 am I already knew what the spoiler was going to say. Just an alternative answer!
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billisonboard
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 22:45:44 GMT -5
Posts: 38,295
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Post by billisonboard on May 6, 2016 13:30:34 GMT -5
I pictured it this way:
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on May 7, 2016 8:35:48 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on May 8, 2016 5:03:23 GMT -5
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uncle23
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:10:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,648
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Post by uncle23 on May 8, 2016 8:51:17 GMT -5
...
Quotes on Sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
SharonStone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
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mroped
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 17, 2014 17:36:56 GMT -5
Posts: 3,453
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Post by mroped on May 8, 2016 11:53:17 GMT -5
Pharmacist to the man next in line: - Would you like Viagra to use with your wife or mistress? -Is there a difference? -Ofcourse! The one for your wife gives you temporary blurry vision and impairs your hearing!
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
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Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 8, 2016 12:13:10 GMT -5
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled upon her as she had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow.” She fretted, “I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.” “Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.” Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked. “I have a little errand to run.” He sang, “I should be back soon.”
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin saying, “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!” “What is it?” she cried excitedly. “OK. The question is ‘What are the three most important parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’” The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m. Roger shook Jane awake to ask her the question once again. “The head, the heart and the penis.” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question. “Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?” asked the host, “You have 10 seconds.” “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.” Urged the host. “Eh, uh, the heart?” continued Jane. “Very good! Four seconds.” Stressed the host. “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning.”
“That’s close enough!” announced the host, “You Win!”
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 8, 2016 20:12:34 GMT -5
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunder wear.
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on May 10, 2016 17:31:38 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 12, 2016 13:35:20 GMT -5
Walk With Me While I Age
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER DAMN ......
I forgot the words.
But I thought of you when I read it...........
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billisonboard
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 22:45:44 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 12, 2016 14:08:42 GMT -5
Post by billisonboard on May 12, 2016 14:08:42 GMT -5
Walk With Me While I Age I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read. A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER DAMN ...... I forgot the words. But I thought of you when I read it........... Why is this on the "Jokes"" thread?
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lexxy703
Senior Associate
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Jokes
May 12, 2016 14:24:16 GMT -5
Post by lexxy703 on May 12, 2016 14:24:16 GMT -5
Walk With Me While I Age I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read. A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER DAMN ...... I forgot the words. But I thought of you when I read it........... Why is this on the "Jokes"" thread? The joke is she is aging thus she forgot the words.
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billisonboard
Community Leader
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Post by billisonboard on May 12, 2016 14:32:00 GMT -5
Why is this on the "Jokes"" thread? The joke is she is aging thus she forgot the words. I was joking.
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lexxy703
Senior Associate
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Post by lexxy703 on May 12, 2016 14:35:24 GMT -5
The joke is she is aging thus she forgot the words. I was joking.
Oops, sorry about that. It actually took me a bit to get the joke so I thought you had missed it. Can I blame being a little slow on it being Thursday?
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 13, 2016 16:24:58 GMT -5
Walk With Me While I Age I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read. A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER DAMN ...... I forgot the words. But I thought of you when I read it........... Why is this on the "Jokes"" thread? I see the humor in it. It goes along with the marriage proposal but they couldn't recall it happened that was previously posted. I'll try to find better jokes next time.
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billisonboard
Community Leader
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Post by billisonboard on May 13, 2016 17:21:53 GMT -5
Why is this on the "Jokes"" thread? I see the humor in it. It goes along with the marriage proposal but they couldn't recall it happened that was previously posted. I'll try to find better jokes next time. Mine was meant to be a joke playing on the idea that old folks don't always realize how fun they are when they actually do stuff like in your joke.
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