Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 15, 2016 8:37:21 GMT -5
From my Catholic grammar school days: What is black and white, white and black, black and white, white and black, black and white? Sister Ann St. William falling down the school stairs. I repeat myself but you should be ashamed Going to Catholic must be a real adventure from the stories I have heard over the years. Not sure if I should be glad or sad that I missed the experience. While folks that attended Catholic schools, especially grammar school, in the latter half of the 20th century, they did not have teaching nuns like we did. And we didn't have teaching sisters like the nuns earlier generations had.. When I was in Catholic gramnar school in the late 50s and early 60s, many of our teachers did not have college degrees nor trained to be teachers and had zero life experience in the outside world past graduating high school. Many of the nuns were convinced (I am being kind using convinced) by their parents to enter the religious life. Their daughters had little chance of finding a husband or a self-supporting career. The parents knew their daughters would be safe and protected in the convent. Being forced into the convent/religious life caused some psychological prblems for some of the nuns which often manifested itself in how they treated children in their classes. Today, women wishing to enter the religious life must have a college degree and have lived a bit of life in the outside world, even having dated. The religious orders don't want someone entering the order so they can escape from the world. They want folks to come to them with eyes wide open and who wishes to live the religious life because they want to serve their God.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 16, 2016 7:44:31 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 16, 2016 7:45:53 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 16, 2016 12:16:45 GMT -5
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uncle23
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Post by uncle23 on Apr 17, 2016 8:58:25 GMT -5
....
my new primary care doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Apparently
being American is what kills you.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 19, 2016 16:10:27 GMT -5
Someone told me it takes 5 sheep to make one sweater.
I didn't know they knew how the knit.
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 20, 2016 10:59:01 GMT -5
Most everyone who dies is buried in formal dresses and suits. The Zombie Apocolypse will be a formal event
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 10:23:16 GMT -5
Priest & Pilot
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, ' I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The
pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am
Father John, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached -
people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 11:18:52 GMT -5
VERNON'S FUNERAL
Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. " He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00
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toomuchreality
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 22, 2016 15:32:40 GMT -5
.... my new primary care doctor Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans... 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently being American is what kills you. I'm on my way to a doctor appt. (fairly new primary care dr) I'll take this with me, for reference! LOL
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 22, 2016 17:56:31 GMT -5
Free range, local children.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 23, 2016 0:49:06 GMT -5
Fred Sanford's turning in his grave.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 23, 2016 10:36:18 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 23, 2016 10:49:12 GMT -5
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 23, 2016 18:31:25 GMT -5
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 23, 2016 18:33:18 GMT -5
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 23, 2016 22:39:59 GMT -5
Little Johnny does it again!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 22:19:52 GMT -5
Today, a friend's wife said to him, "Honey, get off your rear and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!" Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"…. So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project. One is a sheet metal fabricator. One brought his welder. One brought beer and Nachos. One brought a grill and burgers. Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers. As usual, the wife is still not happy! Can't understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for the rain.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 24, 2016 22:55:11 GMT -5
Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.
“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7.”
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2016 11:46:28 GMT -5
Three elderly women are talking about their troubles. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.” “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.” “Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.” “Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth. “No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.” “Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned. “No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded. Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?” “I don’t wake up until 7.” Ain't it the truth !
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 20:11:49 GMT -5
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Ron, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Ron says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Ron, after a few seconds, Ron hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Ron the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, A fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE...;
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 20:43:11 GMT -5
Have you ever had one of those days... when you forget which is your "don't give a shit" stick and which is your "stir the shit" stick?
What happens when you stir the pot with the wrong one?
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 28, 2016 22:43:34 GMT -5
These were allegedly overheard in various garden centers:
Have you anything pink that grows to about 9"?
We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and it still wouldn't grow big enough.
He tried Miracle Grow but it didn't make any difference.
We tried it out the front and then at the back but it seemed better when we had it on the patio.
Will you let me know when you get it in?
My next-door neighbour liked it so much, when it got big enough my husband poked it through the fence into next door's garden. They were ever so grateful.
He sprays all the plants with it every week.
How deep should we put it in for best results?
We were told it was hardy but it shrivelled during the winter.
I just don't have the energy any more. I just leave the gardener to do it on his own.
I'm looking for something to fill my wet area.
I want my hole filled before the frost comes.
My first husband tried it. Now I'll see if the second can manage it without falling off the ladder.
It lasted all summer and then it fell off.
If I decided I wanted it would you put it in for me?
My wife prefers it on the side of the bed facing east.
What are those dangly bits for?
Should we try it in the greenhouse?
I hope the batteries last longer than an hour.
My husband tries to keep the squirrels from eating his nuts off the table.
Have you got fat balls?
He puts his nuts out every day for the birds.
It was pink and now it's turned blue.
Does the cold weather affect yours?
Do you have a slow release?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 28, 2016 23:05:03 GMT -5
These were allegedly overheard in various garden centers:
Have you anything pink that grows to about 9"?
We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and it still wouldn't grow big enough.
He tried Miracle Grow but it didn't make any difference.
We tried it out the front and then at the back but it seemed better when we had it on the patio.
Will you let me know when you get it in?
My next-door neighbour liked it so much, when it got big enough my husband poked it through the fence into next door's garden. They were ever so grateful.
He sprays all the plants with it every week.
How deep should we put it in for best results?
We were told it was hardy but it shrivelled during the winter.
I just don't have the energy any more. I just leave the gardener to do it on his own.
I'm looking for something to fill my wet area.
I want my hole filled before the frost comes.
My first husband tried it. Now I'll see if the second can manage it without falling off the ladder.
It lasted all summer and then it fell off.
If I decided I wanted it would you put it in for me?
My wife prefers it on the side of the bed facing east.
What are those dangly bits for?
Should we try it in the greenhouse?
I hope the batteries last longer than an hour.
My husband tries to keep the squirrels from eating his nuts off the table.
Have you got fat balls?
He puts his nuts out every day for the birds.
It was pink and now it's turned blue.
Does the cold weather affect yours?
Do you have a slow release? Well, that had to be a real bummer
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 29, 2016 16:57:01 GMT -5
If Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton were stranded on a desert island, who do you thing would survive? The American people!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 30, 2016 2:46:13 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 30, 2016 2:49:51 GMT -5
In autumn it turns orange first and then it falls off
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 30, 2016 11:36:37 GMT -5
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it 1999 formerly know as twenty.
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NoNamePerson
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Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,259
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 30, 2016 11:50:38 GMT -5
In autumn it turns orange first and then it falls off Being orange might make it easier to find you know for reattachment!!!
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Joined: Oct 28, 2024 7:20:50 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 19:16:21 GMT -5
Dr. Olaf, a doctor in Duluth, wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and this very beautiful woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years !!!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.
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