Virgil Showlion
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Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Mar 24, 2016 9:18:27 GMT -5
Do you know who the most vulgar character in movies of all time is? R2D2 He was beeped all the time. Actually, I think he ties with any movie by Quentin Tarantino.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 24, 2016 23:59:18 GMT -5
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 25, 2016 22:08:38 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2016 13:00:07 GMT -5
"My personal server went down once too, but enough about Monica" - Bill Clinton
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2016 20:17:01 GMT -5
The Italian Golfer
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to? The father of his young pregnant girlfriend is making him.'
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tigerpause
Junior Associate
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 31, 2016 0:43:07 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Mar 31, 2016 20:10:41 GMT -5
I had a joke about construction but I'm still working on it.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Mar 31, 2016 20:30:27 GMT -5
I had a joke about construction but I'm still working on it. I had one about amnesia, but I forgot it.
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 1, 2016 5:59:09 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2016 12:28:04 GMT -5
It's my DW's birthday today (for real). There's a joke in there somewhere but I'm afraid to say it.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 3, 2016 7:37:04 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 4, 2016 11:07:54 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2016 13:58:54 GMT -5
Nixon; I erased 18 1/2 minutes of tape. She deleted 30,000 emails and "misplaced" $6,000,000,000.00 from the State Department, and I'm the crook ?
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Jokes
Apr 6, 2016 23:43:29 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Apr 6, 2016 23:43:29 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 10:16:10 GMT -5
Finally ! Proof of death. There is finally conclusive evidence that Obama bin Laden is dead. Yesterday, he registered to vote in Chicago as a Democrat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2016 10:21:06 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 10, 2016 12:40:04 GMT -5
The Zoo
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 11, 2016 15:42:12 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."The're looking for me!"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 12, 2016 15:47:51 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 12, 2016 20:18:24 GMT -5
The Art of the Deal
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we could raise the $75,000 asking price," said the man. “Yet I understand you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the dope to reduce the price. See you later, grandpa.”
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
Posts: 12,401
Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 13, 2016 14:13:53 GMT -5
When I am old I am going to leave little bags of snacks all over the house in case I fall down, I will have something to eat.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 13, 2016 15:42:59 GMT -5
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 13, 2016 15:51:46 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he is busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."The're looking for me!" I love this joke. I still laugh every time I run across it.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,692
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 13, 2016 16:44:54 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he is busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."The're looking for me!" I love this joke. I still laugh every time I run across it. I pictured this child answering the call.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2016 17:53:05 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 13, 2016 17:53:05 GMT -5
Me too!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 21:48:46 GMT -5
Q: Why don't rats eat lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 14, 2016 23:28:15 GMT -5
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 15, 2016 6:40:29 GMT -5
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. You should be ashamed of yourself
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 15, 2016 8:00:17 GMT -5
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. From my Catholic grammar school days: What is black and white, white and black, black and white, white and black, black and white? Sister Ann St. William falling down the school stairs.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 15, 2016 8:16:44 GMT -5
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. From my Catholic grammar school days: What is black and white, white and black, black and white, white and black, black and white? Sister Ann St. William falling down the school stairs. I repeat myself but you should be ashamed Going to Catholic must be a real adventure from the stories I have heard over the years. Not sure if I should be glad or sad that I missed the experience.
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