Jokes

[uncle23]

.....



..
On his 70th Birthday, a man was given a Gift Certificate from his wife. The Certificate was for consultation with an Indian Medicine Man living on a nearby Reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The Husband went to the Reservation and saw the Medicine Man. The old Indian gave him a potion and..... with a grip on his shoulder warned,'This powerful Medicine. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you become more manly than you have ever been in life, and can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the Medicine from working?"
"Your Partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, Medicine will not work again until next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the Medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[NoNamePerson]

   That's a good one uncle23

[CarolinaKat]

[tigerpause]

[uncle23]

.....



...
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING .
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE amazing facts are,

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

[uncle23]

.....


Man to wife: Whenever I'm mad at you, you never get upset. How do you control your temper ?

WIFE : I just go clean the toilet.

Man : How does that help ?

WIFE :  I use your toothbrush.

[Deleted]

EEEEwwwwwwwwwwwww.......

[tigerpause]

Myrtle was in her 90s and she had became a sort of town celebrity because she had recently gotten married. There was so much buzz about Myrtle that the local news station decided to interview her. So they sat down for the interview and the interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s. 

“Sir, this isn’t my first husband, so it’s not much different than the others,” she replied with a big smile.

“Oh? How many husbands have you had?” the interviewer asked. “This one right now will be my fourth,” she said.

“I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher.”

“What does your future husband do?”

“Oh he’s a funeral director.”

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

“It always made sense to me,” she replied. “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

[Deleted]

[tigerpause]

[Artemis Windsong]

This photo is from my former next door neighbor, the wild life photographer and noted naturalist.

I've received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

I sent this photo to most of my older friends. The younger ones probably have never seen a falcon and wouldn't recognize it.

i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

[Artemis Windsong]

Have you ever looked at someone and thought. . . .  your Mom's eggs must have been expired.

[toomuchreality]

Mar 28, 2015 8:50:12 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

This photo is from my former next door neighbor, the wild life photographer and noted naturalist.

I've received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

I sent this photo to most of my older friends. The younger ones probably have never seen a falcon and wouldn't recognize it.

i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

So glad I clicked to see this one!

[Artemis Windsong]

Did you ever think that the coffee a giraffe drank would be cold by the time it reached it's stomach?

No.  All you ever think about is yourself.

[uncle23]

...


what did you say ?

[Artemis Windsong]

The response is no.  And I say, all you every think about is yourself.  I did forget the punch line last night.

[tigerpause]

Mar 28, 2015 8:50:12 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

This photo is from my former next door neighbor, the wild life photographer and noted naturalist.
I've received many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!
I sent this photo to most of my older friends. The younger ones probably have never seen a falcon and wouldn't recognize it.
i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

LMAOOOOOO  

[tigerpause]

Darn it! There's a crack in my monitor...


link

[toomuchreality]

Mar 30, 2015 1:10:09 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Darn it! There's a crack in my monitor...


link

A really BIG crack!

[tigerpause]

Mar 30, 2015 6:46:41 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Mar 30, 2015 1:10:09 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Darn it! There's a crack in my monitor...
link

A really BIG crack!

That monitor is too round, I need a flat screen

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

Mar 31, 2015 0:04:00 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Mar 30, 2015 6:46:41 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

A really BIG crack!

That monitor is too round, I need a flat screen

You are too funny!




FYI- I didn't need help smiling. I just wanted to use that smiley!  heh.

[tigerpause]

[Artemis Windsong]

I was driving the other day and saw a teenager texting and driving.  I got so mad at her that at the next stop light, I threw my beer at her.

[Artemis Windsong]

I sent an Ancestry site information on my family tree.

They sent back a packet of seeds and suggested that I start over.

[tigerpause]

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

Mar 25, 2015 0:35:40 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

[Deleted]

Southern Humour! A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. “Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath, “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. “Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?” “Yep.” “Were there any survivors?” “Nope. They's all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.” “President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked. “Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept a-saying he wasn't. But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

[Artemis Windsong]

A friend called to ask me how my diet was going.

Terrible.

Why, what did you have for breakfast today?

Eggs

Oh that's not so bad.

Cadberry Chocolate Eggs.