Jokes

[Artemis Windsong]

www.thepoke.co.uk/2015/02/18/bride-sends-special-invitation-mean-family-members/

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[CarolinaKat]

My 5-year-old son has a tendency to point at things with his middle finger, so my wife and I h ave been trying to encourage him to use his index finger instead. Yesterday the following interaction occurred between him and his aunt (my sister):

Son: "Is this the finger I can point with?"

Aunt: "No, it's the other one."

Son: "Oh, right. You're not supposed to use that one because it means F word number two."

Aunt: "Number two? What's the first F word?"

Son: "You can't tell Mom and Dad I said it." *glances around cautiously, cups a hand by his mouth, and whispers* "F*uuuuck."

Aunt: "Oh. Then what's the second F word?"

Son: *whispers again* "F*ck yoooouuu."

[toomuchreality]

I bought a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."

It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[toomuchreality]

Grandpa of the year

A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who continually screamed for candy and cookies.

But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy."

The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror continued throwing items out of the shopping cart, but the Grandfather remained steady and said in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the little boy into the car and said , "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William certainly is lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I’m William.

This little bastard's name is Kevin".

[toomuchreality]

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[toomuchreality]

Blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."





I must be tired (3:30AM). This one took me a minute. 

[toomuchreality]

Let's try this one instead...

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one just ducked...

[Deleted]

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor".

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

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[NoNamePerson]

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[toomuchreality]

Apr 14, 2015 16:53:13 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

I was just going to post this!

[Artemis Windsong]

An older guy went to a witch doctor for some help getting "it" up.  The witch doctor said to drink this potion and count 1, 2, 3 and you will be able to perform as long as you want.  The potion will only work once and then you have to wait until the next full moon.

The guy asked what do I do when I want to stop.

Witch doc told him to say 1, 2, 3, 4.

Old guy goes home and at bed time takes the potion.  His lovely bride comes in to bed and the guy say 1, 2, 3.  So the bride responds, what is 1, 2, 3, for.

[CarolinaKat]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next Please.."

[Artemis Windsong]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'

[Artemis Windsong]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement
center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Artemis Windsong]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. .. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[Artemis Windsong]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse,
I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Artemis Windsong]

Couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells
them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No,
I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl
of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

[Artemis Windsong]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?''
Because she can still drive!'