Jokes

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 21:49:33 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

I get turned on when they talk "nerd".

LOL...

You want some hot "nerd talk"? On the same show that I was introduced to this truism... there was also a "mathematician" who should be stripped of his credentials due to his belief that there is an end to infinity. He believes in a "greatest number, that, after which, we start over again at ZERO" (even though he doesn't know what that "greatest number" is).... because (as he stated) "if you walk around the Earth, eventually you end up back where you started".

Apparently he doesn't understand that the circumference of a circle (or globe) is NOT infinite!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[toomuchreality]

Mar 14, 2015 11:21:11 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

Mar 10, 2015 20:54:50 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Technically this isn't a joke, per se, but I don't know where else to put it.






Question: What's the same about the following two number sets?

Set 1> 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...∞
Set 2> 2,4,6,8,10...∞


Answer: they contain the exact same number of entries.


(don't blame me... blame math!) 

That's not quite technically correct.

We can say that the two sets have equal cardinality (aleph-naught), but this isn't a sufficient condition to prove "same number of elements".

In particular, "same number of elements" is well-defined for cardinal K if and only if for any set S with |S| = K, any proper subset S₁ of S has cardinality |S₁| < K. This condition fails to hold here.

The best we can do is state that a bijective mapping exists to pair every element of Set 1 with exactly one element of Set 2.

[mroped]

Teacher: "if I've got two bottles in one hand, and two bottles in the other hand, what do I have?"
student: "a drinking problem?"

[Virgil Showlion]

Mar 14, 2015 19:29:51 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Mar 14, 2015 11:21:11 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

That's not quite technically correct.

We can say that the two sets have equal cardinality (aleph-naught), but this isn't a sufficient condition to prove "same number of elements".

In particular, "same number of elements" is well-defined for cardinal K if and only if for any set S with |S| = K, any proper subset S₁ of S has cardinality |S₁| < K. This condition fails to hold here.

The best we can do is state that a bijective mapping exists to pair every element of Set 1 with exactly one element of Set 2.

Since they both go to infinity, and infinity goes on without end, you can always add a "+{count}" (+1 or +2, depending on the number set), forever... making the number of elements in each set identical (that "identicality" being "number of entries in set is infinite". infinite compared to infinite is equal because infinite cannot be greater than nor can it be less than infinite).

That's why we can't define "same number of terms" in infinite sets. The ordinary axioms we associate with "sameness" (e.g. x + 1 ≠ x) don't apply, and one has to be very careful about terminology.

[tigerpause]

[Deleted]

1 - 800 - 1690x - .42337x sin(xy)

is not a valid phone number... At least not in the US.






Just sayin' 

[Artemis Windsong]

My Dad worked on a road crew for 20 years until one day he was fired.

I didn't believe him until I got home and all the signs were there.

[CarolinaKat]

[tigerpause]

Mar 15, 2015 3:58:46 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

1 - 800 - 1690x - .42337x sin(xy)

is not a valid phone number... At least not in the US.
Just sayin' 

It's not valid in Canada either. I got a recorded message saying, "This number is not in service."     

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[CarolinaKat]

[NoNamePerson]

[tigerpause]

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 22:36:50 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

[CarolinaKat]

[NoNamePerson]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"



The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

I sent this to mu apt manager yesterday. I thought it was clever.
A few minutes later, I got a message back, asking if the notice had been left by her technician.

[NoNamePerson]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.  Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet,  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ?  he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

You gonna tell him or should I ?

[Deleted]

              
I didn't know where else to put this video so I tucked it in here.  It is more cute than jokie. 

[Deleted]

Mar 20, 2015 7:42:32 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

A little boy comes down to breakfast.  Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet,  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ?  he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

You gonna tell him or should I ?

[Artemis Windsong]

You know you are broke as h*ll when your bologna doesn't have a first name.

[NoNamePerson]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.

'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[uncle23]

....



Subject: ancestry


On average, an American man

will have sex two to three times

a week, whereas a Japanese

man will have sex only one or

two times a year.

This was very upsetting news to

most of my friends, as they had

no idea they were Japanese.

[Deleted]

Mar 21, 2015 12:35:25 GMT -5 uncle23 said:

....



Subject: ancestry


On average, an American man

will have sex two to three times

a week, whereas a Japanese

man will have sex only one or

two times a year.

This was very upsetting news to

most of my friends, as they had

no idea they were Japanese.

My apologies to my fellow men... It's my fault (Well... technically my wife's fault, but I married her so I'll take the blame) the average is so low...




ETA: While true... I am saying this as humor, so laugh!

[tigerpause]