Jokes

[billisonboard]

Mar 5, 2015 12:01:55 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Did not know where to post it.  I can be moved.

Maybe Current Events? I would love to comment on it but here isn't the place.

[CarolinaKat]

Mar 5, 2015 12:04:06 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Mar 5, 2015 12:01:55 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Did not know where to post it.  I can be moved.

Maybe Current Events? I would love to comment on it but here isn't the place.

It should be it's own thread. EE proper is a catch-all, so it will fit there as well.

[billisonboard]

Mar 5, 2015 12:59:40 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Mar 5, 2015 12:04:06 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Maybe Current Events? I would love to comment on it but here isn't the place.

It should be it's own thread. EE proper is a catch-all, so it will fit there as well.

Continuing this totally off topic conversation I was thinking it was more serious and I think of EE as more "fun".

[tigerpause]

[CarolinaKat]

[NoNamePerson]

[Artemis Windsong]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good
news and, I have some bad news....

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?

The lawyer says: Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20-30 million".

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done... very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news??"

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary".

[tigerpause]

[ZaireinHD]

Santa Clause has the right idea to visit people only once a year!

[ZaireinHD]

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 9, 2015 20:18:19 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

 Mystery solved!!

[Artemis Windsong]

milkandcookies.com/link/138148

About a 5 minute video.

[Artemis Windsong]

At lunch one day the ladies were watching the geese flying by.  The conversation turned to why they fly in a V.  On of the women responded - because Q was taken.

[Artemis Windsong]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me -- her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me, and asked me to come over, 'to check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister." Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said “Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[Artemis Windsong]

Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.



Woops!!!

[Deleted]

Technically this isn't a joke, per se, but I don't know where else to put it.






Question: What's the same about the following two number sets?

Set 1> 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...∞
Set 2> 2,4,6,8,10...∞


Answer: they contain the exact same number of entries.


(don't blame me... blame math!) 

[Artemis Windsong]

> A SENIOR TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD:
>
> WINDOWS : Please enter your new password.
>
> USER: cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
>
> USER: boiled cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
>
> USER: 1 boiled cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
>
> USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case
> character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case
> character consecutively.
>
> USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
>
> USER:
>
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
>
> WINDOWS:Â SORRY, THAT PASSWORD IS ALREADY IN USE.
>

[NoNamePerson]

 That joke cracked me up the first time I saw it. My son was bitching to me about having to change password so often on E-verify (I think) that I sent it to him to make him feel better. Not sure he appreciated the humor 

[The Captain]

A Irishman and a Brit were walking down the beach when they came across a lamp. Eagerly they both dived for it but the brit rubbed it first and out pops a Genie.

"Fantastic!" cries the brit - "I get three wishes!"

"Umm, actually - there's two of you here" - states the Genie.

"It's ok" - says the Irishman with a grin - "he needs all the help he can get. How about you let him have two wishes and give me one."

The Genie considers for a moment then nods his head.

"Ok" - says the Brit - "For my first wish I want you to remove every Irishman from English soil!"

The Genie nods his head and says - "Done!"

"For my second wish" - states the Brit - "I want you to put up an impenetrable wall around England so no more Irishmen can never set foot on sacred English soil again!!"

The Genie nods his head again and says - "Done!"

The Genie then turns to the Irishman and raises an eyebrow...

"That impenetrable wall?" - states the Irishman - "I'd like you to fill it with water..."

[CarolinaKat]

[NoNamePerson]

I love Little Johnny!!!!

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[ZaireinHD]

Daughter: " Daddy, Take out your check book. I am coming home to get
married. Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia
and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on
Facebook, had long chats on web. app, he proposed to me on Skype and now
we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your
blessings good wishes and a big wedding."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy
your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your
husband....sell him on Ebay".

[Virgil Showlion]

Mar 10, 2015 20:54:50 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Technically this isn't a joke, per se, but I don't know where else to put it.






Question: What's the same about the following two number sets?

Set 1> 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...∞
Set 2> 2,4,6,8,10...∞


Answer: they contain the exact same number of entries.


(don't blame me... blame math!) 

That's not quite technically correct.

We can say that the two sets have equal cardinality (aleph-naught), but this isn't a sufficient condition to prove "same number of elements".

In particular, "same number of elements" is well-defined for cardinal K if and only if for any set S with |S| = K, any proper subset S₁ of S has cardinality |S₁| < K. This condition fails to hold here.

The best we can do is state that a bijective mapping exists to pair every element of Set 1 with exactly one element of Set 2.

[Artemis Windsong]

This is coming around again:

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming
 from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

 There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming
 and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what
 could have been a slow and terrifying death.

 The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
 surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
 himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

 'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

 'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer
 replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came
 to the door of the family hovel.

 'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

 'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

 'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education
 my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no
 doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

 Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time,
 graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School inLondon, and went on
 to become known throughout the world as the noted

 Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

 Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was
 stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

 The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill ... His son's name?

 Sir Winston Churchill

 Someone once said:

 What goes around comes around.

 Work like you don't need the money.

 Love like you've never been hurt.

 Dance like nobody's watching.

 Sing like nobody's listening.

 Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

 AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH:

 I hope it works...

 May there always be work for your hands to do;

 May your purse always hold a coin or two;

 May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

 May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

 May the hand of a friend always be near you;

 May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

 And may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead..

 OK, this is what you have to do... Send this to all of your friends.

 But - you HAVE to send this within 1 hour from when you open it!

 Now.....Make A wish!! I hope you made your wish!

[NoNamePerson]

Don't know why the prior post reminded me of this but here goes!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

 
The morals of this story are:


Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 11:21:11 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

Mar 10, 2015 20:54:50 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Technically this isn't a joke, per se, but I don't know where else to put it.






Question: What's the same about the following two number sets?

Set 1> 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...∞
Set 2> 2,4,6,8,10...∞


Answer: they contain the exact same number of entries.


(don't blame me... blame math!) 

That's not quite technically correct.

We can say that the two sets have equal cardinality (aleph-naught), but this isn't a sufficient condition to prove "same number of elements".

In particular, "same number of elements" is well-defined for cardinal K if and only if for any set S with |S| = K, any proper subset S₁ of S has cardinality |S₁| < K. This condition fails to hold here.

The best we can do is state that a bijective mapping exists to pair every element of Set 1 with exactly one element of Set 2.

Since they both go to infinity, and infinity goes on without end, you can always add a "+{count}" (+1 or +2, depending on the number set), forever... making the number of elements in each set identical (that "identicality" being "number of entries in set is infinite". infinite compared to infinite is equal because infinite cannot be greater than nor can it be less than infinite).

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 14, 2015 19:29:51 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Mar 14, 2015 11:21:11 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

That's not quite technically correct.

We can say that the two sets have equal cardinality (aleph-naught), but this isn't a sufficient condition to prove "same number of elements".

In particular, "same number of elements" is well-defined for cardinal K if and only if for any set S with |S| = K, any proper subset S₁ of S has cardinality |S₁| < K. This condition fails to hold here.

The best we can do is state that a bijective mapping exists to pair every element of Set 1 with exactly one element of Set 2.

Since they both go to infinity, and infinity goes on without end, you can always add a "+{count}" (+1 or +2, depending on the number set), forever... making the number of elements in each set identical (that "identicality" being "number of entries in set is infinite". infinite compared to infinite is equal because infinite cannot be greater than nor can it be less than infinite).

I just love it when ya'll talk dirty     

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I get turned on when they talk "nerd".