Jokes

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Feb 11, 2015 9:18:54 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

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LOL He was an adult at his own birth yet he witnessed that too He's everywhere!
He's seen and done more than Forrest Gump

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[NoNamePerson]

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Brian Williams and Honest Abe! I love the irony. 
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[Artemis Windsong]

A rare blonde joke, because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles and broad shoulders, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents

[NoNamePerson]

[CarolinaKat]

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A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and dad says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side.

[CarolinaKat]

[CarolinaKat]

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[Artemis Windsong]

The real home schooled generation

Most US citizens age 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
You into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
You're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying,
And I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION ISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck."

10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.. My mother taught me about WEATHER..
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13.. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
This world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father
When he gets home!"

18.. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
They are going to get stuck that way."

19.. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
When you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me."

21.. My mother taught me
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.."

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25.. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids,
And I hope they turn out just like you !"


This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents

[Artemis Windsong]

The Insulting Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. "

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and began waiting on them, and all the time the darn phone was ringing.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of 10 pence coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The phone was still ringing.

When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a display case with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

[Artemis Windsong]

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Mike, "That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, That's a mirror you dumb shit."

[Deleted]

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole Lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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Cucumber

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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[NoNamePerson]

March was when my son got an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My Dad's birthday was in November so I got him an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

[billisonboard]

Mar 5, 2015 9:51:22 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

...

iShould be out of the hospital by Thursday.

It is a good joke. However, iThink domestic violence shouldn't be in the Jokes thread. The last line is unnecessary.

[NoNamePerson]

Mar 5, 2015 10:03:26 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Mar 5, 2015 9:51:22 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

...

iShould be out of the hospital by Thursday.

It is a good joke. However, iThink domestic violence shouldn't be in the Jokes thread. The last line is unnecessary.

iSorry. I edited the joke.    

[Artemis Windsong]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

(This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world /competition held in Britain!)

[Artemis Windsong]

<The photos did not come through on my e-mail.>  This is NOT a joke.

Van T. Barfoot died
Remember the guy who wouldn't take
the flag pole down on his Virginia
property a while back?
You might remember the news story several
months ago about a crotchety old man in
Virginia who defied his local Homeowners
Association, and refused to take down the
flag pole on his property along with the large
American flag he flew on it.
Now we learn who that old man was.
On June 15, 1919, Van T. Barfoot was born in
Edinburg , Texas . That probably didn't make
news back then.

But twenty-five years later, on May 23, 1944,
near Carano , Italy , that same Van T. Barfoot,
who had in 1940 enlisted in the U.S. Army, set
out alone to flank German machine gun
positions from which gunfire was raining
down on his fellow soldiers.
His advance took him through a minefield but
having done so, he proceeded to single-handedly
take out three enemy machine gun positions,
returning with 17 prisoners of war.

And if that weren't enough for a day's work, he later
took on and destroyed three German tanks
sent to retake the machine gun positions.

That probably didn't make much news either,
given the scope of the war, but it did earn
Van T. Barfoot, who retired as a Colonel after
also serving in Korea and Vietnam , a well
deserved Congressional Medal of Honor.

What did make news...Was his Neighborhood
Association's quibble with how the 90-year-old
veteran chose to fly the American flag outside
his suburban Virginia home. Seems the HOA rules
said it was OK to fly a flag on a house-mounted
bracket, but, for decorum, items such as
Barfoot's 21-foot flagpole were "unsuitable".

Van Barfoot had been denied a permit for
the pole, but erected it anyway and was facing
court action unless he agreed to take it down.

Then the HOA story made national TV,
and the Neighborhood Association rethought
its position and agreed to indulge this
aging hero who dwelt among them.

"In the time I have left", he said to the
Associated Press, "I plan to continue
to fly the American flag without interference."

As well he should.

And if any of his neighbors had taken a notion to
contest him further, they might have done well to
read his Medal of Honor citation first. Seems it
indicates Mr. Van Barfoot wasn't particularly
good at backing down.

Van T. Barfoot's Medal of Honor citation:
This 1944 Medal of Honor citation, listed with the
National Medal of Honor Society,
is for Second Lieutenant Van T. Barfoot,
157th Infantry, 45th Infantry:

WE ONLY LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! AND, BECAUSE OF OLD MEN LIKE VAN BARFOOT!

[billisonboard]

Mar 5, 2015 11:34:21 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

... This is NOT a joke.

...

Then why post it on the Jokes thread?

[Artemis Windsong]

Did not know where to post it.  I can be moved.