Jokes

[b2r]

                      www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html?frame=3009651

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I only scrolled through/read the first 10 - it's getting late here - but I'll catch up on the other 90 tomorrow. The few I did read were funny.

[tigerpause]

Dec 28, 2014 0:36:39 GMT -5 b2r said:

                      www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html?frame=3009651

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out. - Josie Long
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. - Marcus Brigstocke
The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.' - Jerry Lewis
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar

[b2r]

                        www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/9594011/30-great-one-liners.html?frame=2363267


'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.' - Peter Kay

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.' - Spike Miligan

'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". ' - Jimmy Carr

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.' - Ken Dodd

'Trying is the first step towards failure.' - Homer Simpson

[tigerpause]

LOLLL  ^^^ 
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[toomuchreality]

[gambler]

Dog's Pet Peeves

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet...Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters? ...... Have you noticed the fur?..... Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.)

When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

[Jaguar]

I Really Joined Facebook? (Priceless)

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up everytime I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[NoNamePerson]

How To Stop Church Gossip

Margaret, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

 She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Margaret's house, walked home .... And left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

[CarolinaKat]

[toomuchreality]

Jan 2, 2015 12:27:21 GMT -5 gambler said:

Dog's Pet Peeves

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet...Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters? ...... Have you noticed the fur?..... Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.)

When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

I'm sending a copy of this to my daughter- The mother of my grand-dogs.

[tigerpause]

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[tigerpause]

[gambler]

Two friends met in the park

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you? Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

[gambler]

Older joke


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Virgil Showlion]

[NoNamePerson]

 They ARE destructive little creatures aren't they?

[Virgil Showlion]

Jan 30, 2015 9:27:51 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 They ARE destructive little creatures aren't they?

We actually had a seminar on them in one of my power engineering classes as an undergraduate.

A squirrel will jump from one power line to another. Its paws touch the destination line and its tail touches the line it just left, causing a short, called a "single phase fault".

Most of the time, the squirrel is just blown clear and the line controllers reset in a matter of milliseconds. On rare occasions, the squirrel becomes rigid, its body flash-fries, and it turns into a mound of charcoal bridging the two lines. Operators monitoring the system will usually attempt several power restarts to "shake it loose", which is supposedly quite effective. In very rare cases, the charred corpse won't come loose and an operator needs to head out to the fault location and manually extract the crispified squirrel.

As far as the squirrel is concerned, it's dead and unconscious before it even knows anything is wrong. Not a bad way to go for a squirrel.

[Deleted]

                          

[tigerpause]

[Artemis Windsong]

>
>
> INTERESTING
> INFORMATION.... WE NEVER STOP LEARNING
>
>
> Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and
> can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
>
> Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
>
> Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
>
> If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
>
> When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
>
> Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
>
> Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
>
> The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
> English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
>
> Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
>
> Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
> unless it's heated above 450ºF.
>
> The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,
> but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
>
> Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
>
> The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
>
> Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
>
> The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
>
> The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
>
>
> In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of
> marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
>
> Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
>
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
>
> A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
>
> The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
>
> Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
>
> The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to
> reveal their identity.
>
> If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall
> chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle
> of the day.
>
> When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
>
> In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
>
> Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
>
> Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
>
> The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
>
> The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
>
> Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
>
> Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
>
> Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could
> be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
>
> Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
>
> For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
>
> The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements...

[tigerpause]

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

[tigerpause]

RIGHT

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

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