Jokes

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Tough crowd...

This is the""Joke" thread

I could have said that five or six pages ago.  

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LOL I might have my will amended! Great idea!

LOL Me too!

DH requested a rousing bout of 'I have a lovely bunch of coconuts' in his military death-book. I was not amused. Grim Reaper is better

I was going to have The Rodeo Song played at my funeral but yep this idea is better, lol
Too bad I wouldn't be around to see how many reapers showed up...

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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
”My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, “Property?... the ass had a paper route!”

[ZaireinHD]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[ZaireinHD]

Bob was talking to a girl in a pub the other night, and said,
You remind me of my little toe.
Is that because I'm small and cute? she asked.

No, he replied.
It's because I'll probably end up banging you on my coffee table later tonight.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 9, 2014 12:59:45 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Bob was talking to a girl in a pub the other night, and said,
You remind me of my little toe.
Is that because I'm small and cute? she asked.

No, he replied.
It's because I'll probably end up banging you on my coffee table later tonight.

That is so bad!

[Waffle]

A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar . . .

The bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"Aaaarg, I don't know" says the pirate "but, it's driving me nuts".

[NoNamePerson]

[ZaireinHD]

Waffle 

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[NoNamePerson]

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I don't know if it will help you sleep but it will sure as heck wake up the person next to you

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[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Re post #3133:

I don't know if it will help you sleep but it will sure as heck wake up the person next to you

At a price of $99.95 for a power nap helmet/head pillow that makes you look like your noggin's locked in a padded cell, are they trying to convince us there's really people walking among us willing to buy one of those and actually wear it?

The women in white blurred in the background definitely look like nurses.

Who thinks up this sh*t?

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Who thinks up this sh*t?

Maybe it's good for afternoon naps at home but anyone who wears one of those to sleep in public might wake up in a padded cell. Perhaps a matching coat with very long sleeves comes with it.
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[toomuchreality]

 

[toomuchreality]

I gotta wonder what that guy is doing to that turkey, to get that reaction!

[ZaireinHD]

My wife finally agreed to a three-some
but she gets to choose the third person
she calls me while at work on Friday to say she picked a person and tonight's the night
rushed home in pure excitement, wondering who she picked
her hot co-worker she has lunch with or her hot sister or her hot best friend
Finally I get home, unlock the door, get inside and see my dad!

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Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

[NoNamePerson]