Jokes

[tigerpause]

[uncle23]

.......



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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

(For both tigerpause and uncle23 's jokes.

[ZaireinHD]

A boy is sitting on a park bench
when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking towards his way
The boy asks - Sir why do you have such a little head?

The man answers with a story

One day when I was younger, I was fishing at the end of the dock
and I got a huge bite! To my surprise, when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid!
She told me she would give me anything I asked if I let her go free....

[ZaireinHD]

A blonde was sitting on a bus reading the newspaper when all of a sudden she starts to cry.
The Spanish guy sitting next to her asks what's wrong and she replies that
3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a drug bust.
The Spanish man agrees that the news is very sad.
After a while the blonde asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[NoNamePerson]

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

[Deleted]

[NoNamePerson]

  I'll buy into that line of thinking!!!

[Deleted]

THIS IS ONE GREAT EXPLANATION

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

”That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!”

[ZaireinHD]

Oct 9, 2014 7:43:46 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

While in the middle of a wild passionate session of making love, what are the 3 words a wife never wants to hear her husband say?


"Honey, I'm home!"

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

[toomuchreality]

                       Turkey Dinner

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

     

[Deleted]

Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father took
him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"

Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."

[Deleted]

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs here, right?"

[Deleted]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife, 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[Deleted]

Q: At the very minimum... how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:

SPOILER: Click to show

Two. But don't ask me how they get in the light bulb...

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

Must be a BUTTernut squash.   

[ZaireinHD]

[Artemis Windsong]

Dad and the kids are sitting around the campfire roasting hot dogs.

It's all fun and games until the weinie hits the ground.

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[tigerpause]

[toomuchreality]

Oct 14, 2014 22:47:11 GMT -5 @richardintn said:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife, 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[ZaireinHD]

The divorce judge said:
Mr Clark I've reviewed your case extensively and have decided to give your wife $775 every week!!

I think that is fair your Honor - said the husband
I'll even give her few bucks now and again

[tigerpause]