Jokes

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[toomuchreality]

Sept 6, 2014 20:54:44 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Very good!  And very true!
Mine only look that way at the bottom, of the full door. My ferret thinks everything is his business! (but he's not very tall!   )
Come to think of it, so do a lot of people! 

-heh.

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[CarolinaKat]

Sept 6, 2014 20:54:44 GMT -5 tigerpause said:

Or you have cats

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^^^ True, lol 

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Maybe it's time to change the spock plugs.

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[ZaireinHD]

Funny how things work out

[ZaireinHD]

[ZaireinHD]

[uncle23]

....




2funny4you.net/birth.htm

[toomuchreality]

Sept 13, 2014 16:49:40 GMT -5 uncle23 said:

....




2funny4you.net/birth.htm

So cute!  I think she's adorable. 

[uncle23]

...


England wass old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

[kent]

Lance and Jim are out in the woods on a camping trip when Lance, in the process of relieving himself, is bitten by a poisonous snake in precisely the "wrong" place.

Panic ensued (naturally) and neither party knew what to do. 

The decision was made to have Jim rush back to town and ask the doctor what should be done.  The doctor told Jim he would have to suck the venom out of the wound.

When Jim returned Lance asked Jim what the doctor had said.

Jim replied, "He said you're going to die."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docu-drama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

[uncle23]

....


...An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old

I bought this hat yesterday!"

"THINK GOOD THOUGHTS!"

[toomuchreality]

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NEWS FLASH: EU PROPOSES NEW ENGLISH SPELLING
London, 9/19/14, 7:14 a.m.

The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan to what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". This will make English konform to German, a more proper language. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". Vuns again mor in konformans wiz German.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz yer, we wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

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[NoNamePerson]

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?

Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

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Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.

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