Getting hubby onboard

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That means that college is at most 5 years away

It is still a stress she does not need. It's a great goal to have but if she is feeling like she is barely keeping up with the bills pressuring herself to save for college isn't going to help.

There is still finanical aid and she could always pay off her loans at a later date when they are in a better finanical position.

As it stands right now, IMO the LAST thing the OP needs to worry about is saving for college. Get your own finanical/marital house in order first.

It's not the end of the world if she cannot pay for college. Maybe she can save up enough to help with textbooks or living expenses.

Trying to save up for a full college experience just is not going to happen right now.

I hate giving up goals but I also have to be realistic sometimes about what I can do. RIGHT NOW saving for college is a "luxury".

Getting the bills paid and DH a regular income is what needs to come first. The rest is gravy.

[Firebird]

I think if you were to call into Dave Ramsey, he'd tell your hubby to go get a pizza delivering job until business improves.

Which would not be the worst idea in the world.

Are they taking responsibility for this girl's college in addition to her living expenses? If so, I agree that should be WAY lower on the priority list than anything else. Like, a distant fifth - if that.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

. I think I really went into high panic mode, when we took custody of our kid. She came from a very difficult situation and I wanted to make sure that we were going to be able to help her with college and her future (she has lots of really great goals

From the last post of the OP's.

[trytofindbalance]

Yes shanendoah and DQ, we took in a 14 year old girl, so college is 5 years away and because this was unexpected and we have no children of our own, we hadn't even thought about saving for college.
Kari- I do have a budget and I will get it organized to post. I don't think our situation is dire... I am just trying to stop the train from running off the tracks. I do financial projecting as part of my job, so I also tend to do that for my household. I know that if DH doesn't start earning an income soon, it will create a downward spiral that will be difficult to get ourselves out of. I had really thought that he would be on his way by this point. That is the issue. I expected there to be some downtime through school, training and startup, but it's been much longer than I expected and there has been little work coming in to cover the current bills. You are correct. I am worried about the potential meltdown and DH isn't concerned about reacting until he feels the heat. He does think I'm overreacting because despite all of my bitching, I'm somehow able to continue to make the house run....he doesn't realize how burnt out I am from all of that hard work and stress.

[973beachbum]

Mar 30, 2011 13:46:16 GMT -5 trytofindbalance said:

973beachbum...that was sortof the plan from the beginning. DH would just give me x amount every month for the household account, a "bill" that included his living expenses. He would have his own spending money for gas, and whatever else he wanted to buy. The problem is that he hasn't been able to pay his monthly "household bill" because he hasn't been earning enough money. My income goes into the checking account where all of the bills are paid from. I have to pay the bills whether DH has his portion or not. Unfortunately, there have been several months when DH has not been able to contribute much and it has been a struggle for me to keep up.

I think you need to sit down with a 3rd party and explain this to him just like you did right here. Werther it is an accountant or a therapist it doesn't matter. You can't let this keep eating at you. It isn't healthy for your mind or your body.

We have used every method of finances over the last 26( shhhh) years. For a while at the beginning I was the CFO and paid all the bills. When we fought too much I told him "I Quit!" and gave him the job and paid him a set amount each month. Guess what it wasn't so simple as he thought when the shoe was on the other foot.

Now we are actually a pretty good team but it took a long time to get there.

[zibazinski]

Um, I'm a Guardian Ad Litem and the state pays for college.

[zibazinski]

They also pay a very nice stipend.

[trytofindbalance]

Shanendoah - Our daughters parents are both deceased. She currently gets a small amount of SS from them. We need to look into the college situation and find out if she will be eligible for aid.

I do agree with the posters that College savings is not a priority right now. I know we need to get the business organized, so we can reduce financial stress and get a game plan together. We would like to help if we could and we will try to do the best we can for her.

[trytofindbalance]

Zibazinski, do you know where I might be able to find that information out?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I know that if DH doesn't start earning an income soon, it will create a downward spiral that will be difficult to get ourselves out of

Have you told him this, actually word for word?

I told DH when we went to counseling that while I was not ready to divorce him I could see our marriage headed that direction, we needed to get things fixed NOW.

You say he doesn't understand how dire things are, have you bluntly told him how close to the edge you really are?

Don't couch it in that you can't pay for college (too abstract) don't couch it in that he is no longer bringing in $X (nagging).

Just bluntly tell him that you are headed up a shit creek and can't see how you are going to stop it unless something changes.

[trytofindbalance]

DQ- I love your posts. You sound so much like me, potty mouth and all. Yes, I have told him that and yes I think I have used those colorful words. He does know it. He does say that he is concerned too. He's a super laid back kind of never let em' see you sweat dude. So he says that just because he doesn't show it on the outside, he knows what's going on and what he has to do. It just seems like success has been elusive. I think he does know, I think he does want to make things better and I think he's trying in his way. I just think that maybe he needs to step it up alittle bit more. I've told him that his way isn't working, so he better move on to Plan B.

I think the last year really started to take a toll on me emotionally. I suffered a miscarriage and had to have a few surgeries and unfortunately we found out that I could not have children, which was something we really wanted to do. DH has been SUPER supportive. He's really been there every single step of the way and I could not be more appreciative. Like I said, he's really the guy I want in my corner when the shit hits the fan...he has proven himself to be loyal, loving, kind and supportive in a number of difficult situations. I think that I've just suffered my fair amount of stress and anxiety and this financial issue is still creating havoc for me. Lots of good things have seemed to go bad and I just want so badly for something to work out and make things a bit easier for us.

[zibazinski]

The GAL agency that oversees your child will provide all the info you need.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I hear you there, we had a really rough year our first year of marriage and finanical differences were just the last straw on the camel's back.

Marital counseling can help because it can help you sort thru each issue individually. When you are the ones involved it's hard to gather your thoughts and focus on what appears to be an avalanche of crap headed your way.

Does he have a Plan B? You keep talking about wanting him to move onto Plan B, but what is it? Maybe you need to tell him that this is not working out you need to get a regular joe job in X amount of time. Suggest for now a part time/temp/night job that can leave him with time to work on his business but bring in the money that you guys need right now.

I wait tables when I am unemployed. It gives me an income stream but is flexible enough in schedule that I pretty much have all day open to job hunt and do interviews.

Come up with an idea of what he would need to bring in bare minimum (no bringing up past agreements, leave the past in the past) and you should both be able to come up with income stream ideas that would fit even if it is delivering pizzas at night.

[qofcc]

This is kind of a radical idea, but have you ever explored the idea of making big changes that would get you to a place where you can live on your salary alone and that his entire income is for saving or discretionary spending? Are you in a position where you would be able to sell the house or are you terribly underwater? Obviously that's not your first choice, but it would certainly reduce the stress in your life. Maybe that would be part of plan B if things don't work out with the business by the end of the summer?

[trytofindbalance]

qofcc...yes I have thought of it and mentioned it to DH. We're not terribly underwater, but we would surely lose money on the deal. We would probably lose everything we put down and potentially a little bit more.

DH sees this issue as a temporary one. He thought I was really overreacting when I mentioned selling the house and moving into something more afforable. I'm not sure that we would end up saving much if we moved, between the lose on the house, moving costs, etc. Like I said, we don't live in a very extravagent home to begin with. I am prepared to take that step if necessary, but right now I don't believe it is.

We really just had a rough year last year between decreased income and being hit with some major unexpected bills. $5000 for school, $4500 for emergency unexpected truck repairs, $6000 in medical for 2 unexpected surgeries over a 9 month period. Yes, we had money saved, so we were able to cover all of the medical and the school will be paid off in April....we are working on the truck repairs (0% credit card bill due in November). Just seems like we got slammed with everything at once.

[qofcc]

Could you set a deadline that if he hasn't earned at least $X by the end of the busy season for this new business that he needs to get a supplementary job to cover $x/mo even if it's delivering pizzas or waiting tables or whatever casual work he can pick up? Is he working at least 40 hours/wk getting ready for the new business?

[trytofindbalance]

Ok here goes, I'm going to post our budget.

$2993.15 - mortgage/taxes (5.25% interest)
$ 201.00 - oil (11 months a year/equal payment plan)
$ 367.00 - electric (I have contacted the electric company numerious times b/c this seems crazy, but this is what it is/whole house is electic)
$ 25.00 - water
$ 60.00 - cable, home phone, internet
$ 521.00 - car payment 3.9% interest (bought way b/f these issues started and was easily affordable)
$ 146.00 - auto insurance/2 cars
$ 700.00 - groceries/household items/pet food
$ 750.00 - credit card payoff (school/truck) 0% interest
$ 500.00- horse board/shoes/vet
$ 100.00 - riding lessons for daughter
$ 631.85 - extras -clothes, haircuts, auto/house repair/gifts, entertainment etc.
$7,000.00 - Total

I also max out my 401k. My yearly contribution between myself and employer is about $20,000

Yes, I could sell the horse if I had to. She is a beloved pet and what I consider therapy for both myself and Savannah. I would if I absolutely had to. This is one of those choice situations. I felt that I was meeting all of my savings/investing goals and I could afford the horse.
We each pay for our own gas and get a small amount of spending money per week

My takehome pay (minus 401k contribution and a small amount for personal spending and gas money) is $4500. DH had agreed to contribute $3500 per month to our household, leaving us with $1000 for savings. I always put additional bonus money in our savings account.

[trytofindbalance]

DH's contribution has not been close to this. By the way, this was much less than his personal living expenses before we got married. His rent was almost $3000 alone, so my numbers were not outlandish in the least. We have had months where he has literally only been able to give me $400 or $500 dollars...takes a big toll quickly.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You need to find out exactly what all those extras are. $631.85 is A LOT of money for "extras". Since you like charts and graphs keep an excel spreadsheet of everything you spend for the month, get recipets from the kid and husband as well. There are probably quite a few places you could trim or cut all together, freeing up some of that $631.85.

The Grocery Challenge thread on Women in Red and the Smart Spending board can help you with tips to get those grocery costs lower.

[Deleted]

I'm wondering if medical and gas for the cars is included in that "extras."

[qofcc]

$2993.15 - mortgage/taxes (5.25% interest) - wow, this is a modest house? what general metro area do you live in?$ 201.00 - oil (11 months a year/equal payment plan)
$ 367.00 - electric (I have contacted the electric company numerious times b/c this seems crazy, but this is what it is/whole house is electic) - have they done a home energy audit? if not, schedule one ASAP and what do you mean the "whole house is electric" then what is the oil for?
$ 25.00 - water
$ 60.00 - cable, home phone, internet
$ 521.00 - car payment 3.9% interest (bought way b/f these issues started and was easily affordable)how many more payments, how much do you owe?
$ 146.00 - auto insurance/2 cars have you shopped around? my full coverage is only about $50/mo/car
$ 700.00 - groceries/household items/pet foodyou could probably get that down to $400 without too much pain with better planning$ 750.00 - credit card payoff (school/truck) 0% interest how many more months
$ 500.00- horse board/shoes/vet
$ 100.00 - riding lessons for daughter
$ 631.85 - extras -clothes, haircuts, auto/house repair/gifts, entertainment etc. for the next few months, can you go on a "no unnecessary spending" diet and limit that to $100/mo or less?
$7,000.00 - Total

no cell phones, no gas for the cars?

Wow... an extra little job for your husband is not going to even make a dent in $3,500/mo. If the business doesn't work out, is he qualified to work for someone else making that much?

[Gardening Grandma]

As I see it, you have a budget of $7000/mo based on $4500 from you and $3500 from hubby. He isn't contributing the $3500, so you have a $3500 shortfall (maybe less when he contributes something). If you were to cut back (min pmts on CC, trim 1/2 of the "extras, shave $100 or $200 off groceries) you'll still be short. I don't see how you can shave $3500 from your budget and stay in the house. Either he gets some kind of job to contribute something, AND you shave the budget, or............

Have you been pulling from savings to cover the shortfall? If so, I can see why you'd be stressed and resentful.

ETA
I have to concur with qoff, We insure three vehicles and an RV for less than $60/mo - for all of them - in total.

[Deleted]

She said her DH has bad credit. I'm wondering if that affects the insurance rate? I know that it does where we live. I can't see how they are paying their bills.

[resolution]

With a budget costing $7000 and net income of $4500 to me this looks pretty dire. How much do you have left in savings to cover the shortfall? In your situation I would figure out how many more months I could cover, set a deadline, and if income doesn't improve by then sell the house. I would keep the horse and riding lessons until the deadline to sell the house, and then look into a new family for him if there was no place for him at the new living accommodations.

In the short term I would ask hubby to get a part time job, turn the heat way down in the house and get that energy audit that qofcc recommended, trim grocery budget and look at the "extras" category.

Your net income seems kind of low for a 100k salary, even if you are maxing your 401k. Did you adjust your witholding to reflect your interest expenses for the house? If you are getting a large tax refund you should consider changing your witholding so you are getting more in each pay check.

[azphx1972]

Can you get some roommates?

[whoisjohngalt]

Reading only your side, I feel bad for your DH. I can't imagine this situation is very easy for him. Not only he knows he hasn't met your expectations, you seem to remind him of that enough and not in the nicest way.

You guys won't make it very far if you keep expecting him to be you. And the bottom line is that you do expect him to be you and you won't be happy with him until he performs at your level. He hasn't lied to you, he is not trying to hurt you. Like someone said, what would have happened if he had a regular W-2 job and got laid off? You probably would be on his case 24/7 that he is not looking for a job hard enough. He did work, he did go to school, he is doing something. It's just not enough FOR YOU.

He is a better spouse that I am, bc I wouldn't have tolerated that kind of treatment.

Lena

[gooddecisions]

Oh wow, when you said you could afford the household bills on your salary, I didn't realize you brought home only $4500 and had $7000 of bills each month. You let your lifestyle catch up too close to your double income.

You probably should have done this when your husband's business first went under, but it's too late for that. I would be freaking out if I was $3000 in the hole every month. You need to get rid of the horse and riding lessons, reduce your electric and oil bill, reduce your food and miscellaneous expenses, decrease your 401(k) contributions, increase your tax allowances and do whatever else to decrease your total monthly bills to $4500 while getting your income up to $5000 so that you're not living on the edge and can afford emergencies.

Your daughter can sign up for (free) schools clubs and teams for social activities instead of the expensive horse and horse lessons. School clubs and sports will look just as good on college applications, if not better.

Where are the cell phone bills listed?

The good news is that despite your mortgage being high, there is still plenty of fluff in your budget to reduce your expenses and increase your income without needing to sell the home. Saving for your daughter's education is not going to be possible until your husband is able to make a decent salary. I don't even see how you can continue to contribute the $1375/month to your 401(k) and I'm the biggest advocate of maxing out the 401(k). I'm not saying stop contributing, but you're going to have to reduce it if you want to be in the black again.

[Deleted]

They are in a critical spot. They can't afford to keep going the way they are going and the changes are going to be large - probably selling the house and the DH bringing in way more income.

[raeoflyte]

I second the recommendation for roommates. Cutting your housing expense would really help--and nothing stresses the need for more money like sharing space.

[zibazinski]

Plus, it might shock mr. complacent into getting his act together!!!!