trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 10:35:54 GMT -5
BTW...we did talk about the business this morning. DH was working on a name. I told him he really needed to make a list of all of the supplies, insurances, equipment, software, etc. he would need to start the business. I'm a list, chart, graph kinda girl...DH thinks it's overkill. He told me that he knows what he needs to do and it's all under control, so I should just stop worrying about it. I reminded him that he needed to get an idea of start up costs (something I've tried to talk to him about since before he went to school) so that we knew where we stood. I have done some research on my own, so I have a fairly good idea of what he will need to get started. Funny thing is, he hasn't mentioned where he plans on getting the money from. I had tried to save some money to start the business, but between school costs. living expenses, truck repairs and lack of income on DH's side, we have had to spend a lot of it. DH does know this, so it shouldn't be a surprise to him.
Please don't misunderstand me, we are not one step from foreclosure or bankruptcy. My point is that I before I was married I worked very hard in my life and made a lot of sacrifices to reach my goals and save for my financial security and future. I knew that DH had some issues in the past and that his business was having a difficult time. I also knew that he was very talented and had the potential to work smart, not hard to earn a decent living and enjoy life. He also told me that he had the drive and determination to make those things happen. That is that part that seems to be missing from the current picture. I didn't change who I was, but sometimes it appears that he has. We had many discussions about our expectations in the marriage and our overall lifestyle. I'm not looking to be wealthy, just comfortable. I'm hoping we can get to a point where we have everything we need and some of what we want. I think it's important that we both contribute financially to our lives together. I am unable and unwilling to take on that burden myself and DH knew that after dating me for a short time,
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 30, 2011 10:42:16 GMT -5
I know money is tight, but I think these situations are really what marriage counseling is about. He has said your points are valid, but the delivery is what bothers him (and from your post I'm assuming this is when it's likely to turn into a real fight).
A good therapist will help you both on delivery so you can really hear each other and work together.
Good luck!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 30, 2011 10:49:34 GMT -5
I agree with raeoflyte, especially since I have been there and done this myself. Marita counseling can help you both figure out how to communicate. Our counseler told us the big thing was we were still living like two single people instead of a married unit, we hadn't yet figured out a way that we could solve problems together. We both wanted to solve it our own way and his/my way was the "right" way.
My DH isn't a charts kind of guy either. I did the tracking our spending thru excel and it made him go cross eyed. He wasn't interested in it, he just wanted to know what the results of my little experiment was. I told him we could have paid for a new porch, TWICE. That spoke to him a lot more than discussing every single penny and where it went.
DH sees the forest. I don't even see the tree, I see down to the frickin leaf. It can lead to a lot of head banging on both our parts.
If you are good at charts and organzing and he's good at the big picture instead of trying to get him to think like you and do it all why not suggest you work on it together? Because you have a vested interest in this business succeeding too, not just him.
DH knows his weaknesses and strenghts, I know mine. It works A LOT better when we sit down together and I do X and he does Y rather than me trying to push him to do X, Y and while we are at it throw in Z as well.
No one person is good at everything. Your DH might be good at the ideas and development part of a buiness but not so good at the finanical/organization side. That is where you come in.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 10:57:02 GMT -5
Dramaq1015 - Thank you for the post. I really loved it. I think your DH and mine must share some brain cells. You have described both him and I to a T. He waits until the last possible second to get anything done and I try to get things done before the deadline.
I do agree that the best way to motivate DH is by cutting things that are important to him. I have already started that in a way. He used to have access to my credit card and he would charge his fuel and misc. items on it (not much, he's not a big spender). I told him that he can't charge on the credit card anymore. I know it sounds really pathetic, but I actually have to maintain control over almost all of the money or he just makes the assumption that I've got it handled, everything's ok and he can continue skipping through life with his rose colored glasses on.
I often go over the checkbook with him and show him the bills that are due. We have cut back on almost all social activities (we were never big on going out and blowing tons of cash) and eating out. I have also put the brakes on most take-out; although, DH did buy a pizza for us last night. DH really, really wants to redo the bathroom that he uses. He knows it's not happening until he starts making some money. The problem seems to be that DH can live really lean. He doesn't require a lot of money to be happy. As long as his basic living situation is covered, he's good to go, so it's hard to have much of an impact on him that way. He also knows that no matter how pissed I get, there is no way I'm not going to tell him to get his truck repaired or his auto insurance paid. It's like I'm an enabler, but I can't help it. Like you said, I can't not pay the mortgage, electric, insurance, etc. DH did discuss a purchase with me the other day. We are going to Alaska this summer (all paid by work) and he really, really wanted to buy a very expensive leather backpack for the trip. He knew that I would tell him to go scratch, so he decided to sell one of his prized possessions and use some of the money for the backpack. I let him know that I was not happy and that the money could have been used to pay off the truck repairs, but he told me he would have never sold the coin...he just exchanged it for the bag. By the way, he said it with a smirk because he knows his lovely wife is not stupid. He did discuss it with me beforehand and he did say he wouldn't do it if it was going to be an issue. He knew I wasn't happy, but he's a grown man and he's going to make his own decisions. I just kinda felt like the Mommy taking care of all the bills, so he could blow his birthday money on a new toy. I tried to gain some perspective, since he never buys anything for himself, but I must admit I was still a bit ticked off.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2011 11:06:14 GMT -5
This is certainly one of the worst stories we get on these forums.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 30, 2011 11:13:04 GMT -5
My DH is the same way and it is hard because you have to sit around and wait till they catch up with you or something with huge unignorable consequences happens and even then sometimes they don't learn.
I often have to go for broke with DH and just be what a lot of people would consider "mean". I have to point blank hit below the belt with brutal honesty. Once I've done that we usually are on board. It isn't pretty but all that stuff I learned in counseling about how to say "I feel" "we" etc doesn't work with someone who always lands on his feet.
DH is content to live paycheck to paycheck because he doesn't stop to think about tomorrow. I am not even sure he thinks more than a couple hours ahead of himself sometimes. He too could live quite happily with a couple paper plates, a fork and some hot pockets in the freezer(that's how he lived when we met!).
It's a challenge sometimes. DH wanted to be a landlord and I said no because I know that I'd be the one actually doing everything because when we got to talking it was evident he had zero clue how to be a landlord. He's seen his dad do it, successfully, but doesn't get the work involved.
He does much better when he has a regular joe job where he is answerable to someone other than himself. He needs external motivation.
A boss is his boss. I am a nag.
Your DH may need to accept that he isn't cut out to be his own business man.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 30, 2011 11:16:31 GMT -5
"We went over all of the figures and I told him what his monthly contribution needed to be in order for us to purchase this home. I told him I was uncomfortable with the high mortgage payment and I was unable and unwilling to do it on my own. He agreed and assured me that his contribution would be no problem at all. Well....that didn't happen. The economy tanked, along with his current business."
I have a couple points, but I want to start with this quote. The two of you had a plan. I have to believe it was a feasible plan because you agreed to it. Then, the economy tanked. You can not blame your DH for the economy tanking. You can not blame him alone for buying a more expensive house than you were really comfortable with. Especially if its in your name only. DH is no longer making what he used to make. Happened to a lot of people, even those with regular jobs- they got laid off. I'm guessing you can't sell the house for anything close to what you owe, so you feel trapped there. These are realities that a large portion of the country are facing, regardless of whether or not they were small business owners or employees. First step is you need to stop blaming DH for the economy tanking. Its okay to be angry about it, but not okay to be angry with him.
Point 2- I'm guessing you don't have combined finances. You keep talking about what "you need from him", or what "you" paid for, for "him". It sounds more like a landlord tenant relationship in terms of the money, or like you are loaning him the money and expect to be paid back. Combined finances don't work for everyone, but right now, it seems like when it comes to finances, you are two separate people doing your separate things, instead of a team. Marriage, in my opinion, is about being a team- taking on challenges together that we aren't strong enough to take on on our own. So maybe you need to look at combining finances temporarily, or start doing all bill paying together, something. It needs to stop being "you vs him" and become "us against the world". Besides being a change in attitude and a sharing of burdens, which I think might help alleviate your stress, by him being more involved in the household finances, you just might see his attitude change, as well.
Point 3- I am getting the impression from the posts that it is just the two of you, no kids involved. At which point I say "really, you can't pay your bills on $100k/yr?" Even if you bought a house that was more expensive than you should have, that you can't get out from under, there are bills you can cut. You say DH already saves you a lot of money by doing stuff around the house, which is good, but there's got to be more. Stop shopping at premium grocery stores, cut the data plan on the cell phone, switch to higher deductible insurance. Ot stop buying the Mtn Dew. There are changes you can make. It might not be ideal. It might not be the standard of living you were used tom but two people should be able to do fine on 100k/yr, even in an HCOLA. And, again, I say, don't blame your DH for this. There are lots of people who have had to make similar (and greater) sacrifices. The economy really does suck.
I am curious as to why going on inspections on weekends was inconvenient for him. Was it because he wanted to spend time with you? Was it a vehicle situation- you take public transport on weekdays but need the car on weekends? Or was it that he had plans to go out and have fun with his friends? Guess what, in the cutting back environment, spending money to hang out with his friends is one of the first things that needs to be cut back (not gone entirely, but cut back). This is a conversation the two of you have to have. But it can not be about what "you need from him" it has to be about what "we need"- we, as in a single, united, family unit.
So you know where I'm coming from- my DH lost his job May 2009. Other than working for the census over last summer, he hasn't worked since. He's had a total of 2 interviews. We live on my salary of 79k and unemployment (which will end the end of June, or sooner, if UE drops below 9% in our state). We currently use all UE money to pay down extra on SL debt, so that we're not using it for any of our living or saving expenses. When it goes away, we just stop making extra debt payments and nothing else changes. DH started back in school part time in January and will be in school full time starting this summer. We are paying for it out of pocket. And yes, in my mind, it is a "we" even though I will be the only one actually bringing money in to the household. I'm not paying for him to do something, we are investing in our future. As it is, I have total jealous moments when I get up in the morning and he and the puppy stay sound asleep. I cannot imagine the resentment I would feel if I thought of our marriage the way you write about yours. Yes, right now I am providing the financial support, but he provides household and emotional support (and actually keeps me from spending all of our money on vacations we don't need to take).
So, Point 4- Remind yourself of what DH brings to the marriage outside of money. Remind yourself why you are with him. If it was just for the money, then go. But if it wasn't, decide what those other things are worth to you, and let go of the anger and resentment.
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azphx1972
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Post by azphx1972 on Mar 30, 2011 11:21:24 GMT -5
I think marriage counseling is a good idea, and you brought up an important point about being in a parent/child relationship as far as handling the money goes. That is never a good thing in any relationship. I mean, what would he do if something were to happen to you? He needs to learn how to handle finances responsibly, and that will also help him get on board with your common goals.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 30, 2011 11:21:55 GMT -5
Please don't misunderstand me, we are not one step from foreclosure or bankruptcy. My point is that I before I was married I worked very hard in my life and made a lot of sacrifices to reach my goals and save for my financial security and future. I knew that DH had some issues in the past and that his business was having a difficult time. I also knew that he was very talented and had the potential to work smart, not hard to earn a decent living and enjoy life. He also told me that he had the drive and determination to make those things happen. That is that part that seems to be missing from the current picture. I didn't change who I was, but sometimes it appears that he has. See... I think I would be upset about this too. This subject hits close to home because I recently found out that DF was waiting to propose to me until after he'd gotten his financial shit together so that he wouldn't "drag me down." I thought it was really sweet of him to think about it that way, BUT my feeling was that if we were going to spend our lives together, I needed to be willing to accept him even if he wasn't a model of financial perfection (which I already was - and a couple of minutes after he realized that, he was down on one knee ). HOWEVER, I definitely wouldn't hold that view if I sensed from him even for a second that he thought he was ENTITLED to my money or that I could just magically fix his financial life by marrying him. It's kind of a catch-22, but his very strong opinion that it was NOT my job to fix his finances is what sealed the deal for me and made me more willing than ever to do exactly that. So I'm putting myself in your shoes ten years down the line... and I'm thinking to myself that I'd be seeing red if, after all that time, he stopped working hard and started pursuing a business haphazardly after we had agreed that both of us would always work, leaving me to cover all the bills and just assuming it would work out okay. Which is a long winded way of saying... I don't think you're the slightest bit out of line to be put off here. And I don't have an answer for you. Usually I'm right about everything ;D but in this case I think you'd do better to listen to the posters that have been there.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 30, 2011 11:28:48 GMT -5
Re-reading my post, I want to clarify. I don't think that this is all your fault. I do think that there are issues that you and DH need to work out. I certainly think counseling would be a good step. But you can't change him. The only person you can change is yourself. A good marriage feeds into the happiness factor, but you are the only one who can make you happy. As dramaq mentioned, it really seems like you two are acting as individuals, not as a team. Building your team should be priority #1.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2011 11:29:57 GMT -5
I see this parent/child situation in my Mom's marriage and it isn't pretty. She hates him and has no respect for him but stays married to him. He is waiting for her to die to inherit. I'm sure he hates her, too. No one even likes to be around them. She resents everyone who married smartly. Owning a business is for the motivated ONLY, not for someone who can't get a job anywhere else.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2011 12:01:21 GMT -5
Me, either. Only if the OP wants to be married so much that she overlooks everything else. Already did marrying a train wreck and now seems surprised that he is. He saw her coming a mile away just like my Mom's husband did. I have avoided guys like those like a dose of the clap but they are surely out there. I have friends married to them and it was because they wanted to be married no matter what.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 12:23:51 GMT -5
Hi All, Again, many thanks for your thoughtful posts. I may be giving everyone the wrong impression here and for that I am sorry. I love my DH. He is kind, sensitive, supportive, loving, funny and intelligent. He is truly a good man. He has a lot of great qualities and he is very handy and helpful, which I do appreciate. I am frustrated about our financial picture and I am trying very hard to stop myself before my resentment changes the way I feel about him. As My DH has many similar personality traits to Dramaq's. He's not much of a planner and he kinda lives for the moment, doesn't worry to much about tomorrow and doesn't appear to stress to much about it either. I am a planner by nature and I do stress about tomorrow.
Our marriage is an "our" situation. We are a team. I just handle the finances. Our finances aren't separate. I came into the marriage with various investment accounts and bank accounts (which remain in my name), DH just had a bank account. When he does a job, he just gives me most of the money and keeps a few bucks for spending. We had come up with a minimum contribution/goal for him when we did our budget. We we're trying to come up with a plan to keep our finances in order. We always discuss spending...that isn't the issue...it's lack of income and what appears to be lack of motivation to change the situation for a prolonged period of time. DH is very talented. He just needs to make more of a commitment to focus on his business.
Shanendoah, no, it's not just us. We have taken custody of a teenage girl, so we also are responsible for her living expenses. DH is awesome with her and he jumped right on board when I told him her story and asked if we could take her in. I will alway be grateful for that. My income covers the majority of our living expenses, but there is a shortfall that DH is expected to earn. I don't think I'm unreasonable for expecting my husband to contribute the household that he lives in, these are his expenses too. I do agree that the economy is tough right now and no, I don't blame him for that. I do however blame him for being slow to act and for sticking his head in the sand and pretending everything was going to just work itself out when I was really struggling to carry the load all by myself. Again, he is super talented in many areas and I believe he could have tried a bit harder to earn some money.
I do agree with you and the other posters that suggested counseling. I already know that I need to learn how to communicate my ideas without getting so frustrated and I also need to learn to separate mountains from molehills in some instances.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 30, 2011 12:35:11 GMT -5
It may be whatever you are trying to do isn't working. DH and I have been married three years and it's taken a lot of trying to fit round pegs into square holes before we've finally come up with a budget that works for us.
It may not be a system that works in the future as we earn more or take on more responsibilities. I've had to accept that finances aren't rigid, they are very fluid and I have to learn to change as they change. What worked for us two years ago doesn't work now that we have a kid, it required sitting down again and figuring out a new/modified plan.
It may be that the budget you chose when you got married worked, but now that the situation has changed you have to change your plans to meet the new situation. Yes he may have agreed to contribue $X when you got married but obviously he is not in that position now.
Trying to nag him into doing it and constantly hammering it home is obviously not working. Time to relook at the budget and your finanical plans and figure out how to work with what you currently have RIGHT NOW. It might mean some sucky sacrifices but it could also lead to less stress on your part and possible motivation on his part to get up and going if the sacrifices are ones he doesn't particularly like.
My DH will get irritated if I have to cut something and I say "Well you wanted Y and Z so therefore there is no room for X", but he knows I am RIGHT. If he wants X bad enough he gets on board.
Your hubby might be the same way. Yeah it might stink to go without cable (don't know if you have it, just throwing it out there) but you can say that it had to go because you both wanted this house and he is in teh process of starting his own business: you can't afford this right now.
If he wants it badly enough he'll find the way to cough up the money. It might take a little longer than you would like if hte situation was reversed, but at least in the case of my DH he eventually comes around.
In the meantime I am A LOT less stressed while waiting because now I can manage everything.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 30, 2011 12:37:22 GMT -5
I know you love your DH. I also know this is probably eating your stomach lining out just thinking about it. I honestly think though this is more of a relationship issue than a financial one like Drama said.
That said I have some weird advice. Switch back to separate finances.
I would say simply that I know we have very different financial styles and that neither is right or wrong. But that the stress is driving you nuts and with separate finances it would allow you to go back to doing what you do best and not constantly fretting over money. Then come up with a number that he has to contribute to the unit for bills and leave it alone for a while.
You can't actually make someone do what they don't want to do so if you love him I think you should find a way to make it bother you less. Just my 2 cents. Everyone can flame away now. ;D
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on Mar 30, 2011 12:40:07 GMT -5
I can't help but wonder if he is one of those people that doesn't like to actually work and have to take orders from bosses so he sees running a "bussiness" as a way out and with you he hit the gravy train and knows he doesn't have to actually work that hard to keep a roof over his head and food in his tummy.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 30, 2011 12:52:31 GMT -5
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 30, 2011 12:53:47 GMT -5
I like Drama's suggestion to sit down and figure out a budget now in your current situation together. He can't bring in the figure you originally agreed on. So is there a lower figure that he can contribute from here until June, then a step up from June - December? Set times to re-evaluate. If in September he still isn't earning what he was expecting he might agree to getting a part time job to bring in the rest. If December hits and income is still low, maybe its time to look for regular employment.
Is it possible to have his earnings go towards the quarterly, semi-annual and annual bills? Since he's self employed, he'll never get a consistent monthly paycheck to budget for. Then you wouldn't be worried about meeting the monthly bills (as long as that account was steadily growing and you can see that there is enough to pay the bills as they become due).
Also wanted to add, that with the good qualities you have listed for your dh I think there is a good chance that you two can work past this. Differences in money personalities make things a bit more difficult, but certainly doesn't spell doom for your marriage.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 30, 2011 12:54:24 GMT -5
tryingtofindbalance: Kudos to you and DH for taking in the young lady. I know people try to say "its just semantics" but semantics matter. In your post #44, you say you are a team, but every previous post had been about how you paid, your credit card, etc. Yes its semantics, but semantics fuel our feelings. So - we put his schooling on the credit card. I had to tell him he didn't have access to the credit card anymore, etc. Replace "my" with "the" or "our" in your thought process and it might help you a little bit. You are not wrong to expect him to contribute. But not every spouse everywhere contributes to a household by bringing money in. (We have a number of SAHPs on this board). This does not mean they can't contribute financially- through smart shopping, etc. Your DH is contributing to the household, just not financially. It is NOT wrong for you to want him to contribute financially, especially if that's the page you were both on when you got married. But reality changed, and now you both have to sit down and deal with reality. Try starting a conversation with him one evening when you are both relaxed, just the two of you. Do not start with accusations, or demands. Remind him that its not just the two of you anymore, there is a young lady who is dependent on both of you now. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate everything he already does, but that the current reality has you stressed close to a breaking point. You know he's not a lists and charts kind of guy. Okay, you won't make him do lists and charts, but you are a plan kind of gal, and just like you're making concessions on the details, he needs to make a concession on the overall big picture. So what is the big picture? Is there a deadline? What are the steps to meeting the deadline? Buy tools, get insurance, etc. What are the steps? Also, this venture costs money. You both know that. Given the unexpected expenses that came up, you don't have the money in savings to pay for everything out of pocket. Because you are a details person, you can probably tell him exactly how much you are comfortable putting toward the business right now. What's the gap between that and what he estimates he'll need? (He's the "expert" so let him do the estimate, don't counter with your research.) So, now you need a plan to come up with the rest of the money.
There also needs to be a deadline set. Our family can not continue to live in this financial state indefinitely. So, we need to have a backup plan. If the business can't be up and running by X date, we need to consider other options. Could he go do this inspection work for someone else's company? Is there a local "clearing house" that works with independent contractors who he could list with for jobs?
He can live on very little, and that's great. You love that he's frugal. But right now, this isn't about what he can live on. Its about your family, the two of you and the girl you've taken in. And once kids are involved - babies or teens, adopted/fostered/birthed - there has to be a financial plan. It can't be fly by the seat of your pants because there is another life the two of you are responsible for. The two of you have to be on the same plan in order to care for her.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 30, 2011 12:56:55 GMT -5
It sounds like he's tuning you out thinking that you're just worrying unnecessarily because that's what you do. If you could get someone else to lay it out for him, he might listen. I know people are suggesting marriage counseling and that might help your relationship, but you're saying that he's starting a seasonal business and if he doesn't get it off the ground in a matter of weeks he's going to miss the majority of the season and probably not make any significant money until next year. At this point, I think hiring a business consultant to light a fire under him might be the drastic measure you have to take. He's expecting you to finance this business and pay the bills until he becomes successful at it, you're well within your rights to bring in a professional to help with the plan. You can sell it as "we" need a professional opinion on how to maximize "our" investment of time & money in the business. And if this is a seasonal business, then you have a built-in deadline. If he's not successful by the end of the busy season, then he needs to go get a temp job or something until the next busy season.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 12:58:46 GMT -5
DH has had good years and bad years in business. Some of those bad years are what created his credit issues. He did pretty well our first year married, but last year was a disaster. I don't think he's lazy or looking for a gravy train; although I will agree that it makes it easier to sit back and wait when you know that someone else is there to pick up the slack. This appears to be my main "hot button" issue.
We bought our house based on the incomes we had at the time. I accounted for some downturn in his business and we came up with what we both thought was a very fair, easy monthly target for him to make. I do understand that times changes, business have tough years and people lose jobs, so financial goals must change as well. We do not live an extravagant lifestyle. We do live in a very HCOL area, so housing and taxes are very expensive. We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home built in the 1970's, so no McMansions here. I try to keep our other monthly expenses as low as possible, shopping rates for insurance, buying groceries on sale and with coupons, renegotiating contracts, etc. We don't go out that much and we don't shop on a regular basis. Unfortunately our utility costs are high and we've had a cold winter so that has added to the expenses as well. I am always looking for ways to cut expenses and DH does help with that as he maintains the house, property and cars by himself. Again, I think dvm01 had a great point. I don't think my DH is looking for a SugaMama, I just think that he got a little too relaxed when he realized that he didn't have to move too fast to get himself organized because I was going to do whatever it took to make sure the bills were paid and there was food in the house and I think I started resenting that.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 30, 2011 13:05:57 GMT -5
I still say post your budget and let the posters give it a look. Sometimes having a fresh set of eyes looking at the budget can help you see there are even more places you can trim that you didn't even realize.
I agree with the people who said sit down and say that you can't do this anymore that you need to set a deadline and if he can't get it off the ground by then he needs to look for a part time/temp/night job until he does to make up the lost income.
DH does well with deadlines. He'll wait till the last minute but if I tell him that this has to be done by the end of the week he may literally wait till the END of the week, but he will get it done.
The "end of the season" may be very abstract to your DH if he is a "today" type of person and seem very far away. For us Type A's and "future" people the end of the season is right around the corner.
Instead of trying to get him to see it from the business side get him to see from the personal side that there has to be a deadline or else.
I come from a "suck it up buttercup" type of family so I can go days/weeks/MONTHS before I finally say something. It has gotten me into trouble on several occassions, not just martially.
Resentment builds until I explode. DH has told me over and over again to just tell him that he is pissing me off, don't wait until I want to kill him over it.
I think you need to tell your DH exactly HOW stressed you are and what this is doing to your marriage. While you don't plan on divorcing him these types of issues CAN lead you down that road.
Telling him for the sake of your MARRIAGE that he needs to sit down with you and come up with a clear set deadline to get this done or get another job might light a fire under his butt.
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azphx1972
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Post by azphx1972 on Mar 30, 2011 13:12:12 GMT -5
"I just think that he got a little too relaxed when he realized that he didn't have to move too fast to get himself organized because I was going to do whatever it took to make sure the bills were paid and there was food in the house and I think I started resenting that."
This is why I suggested Financial Peace University. He needs to get more involved with the finances, and something like FPU will give him the understanding and tools to achieve that. It sounds like you're burned out from having to worry about all the money all the time; let him learn how to deal with it and take a load off your shoulders.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 13:25:48 GMT -5
Shanendoah, Thank you for the Kudos You are right about the semantics. I guess I say "my" credit card, etc, because everything is in my name and it has been "mine" from before we were married. I am also the one solely responsible, from a credit standpoint, for having the bills paid in a timely matter, as technically it would only affect my credit, should something be late. You really struck a cord with me. I have been on my own for a long time and got so used to being responsible for my own situation, that after we got married and things remained in my name, I failed to qualify certain things as "ours". I do believe we are a team and I am trying really hard to listen and respond without anger, even if I don't agree. It's not always easy, especially because this has been an ongoing issue, but I agree that I need to work on that. I think I really went into high panic mode, when we took custody of our kid. She came from a very difficult situation and I wanted to make sure that we were going to be able to help her with college and her future (she has lots of really great goals). I know DH wants the best for her as well...I just think he's slow to connect the financial dots at times. 973beachbum...Separate finances would not work for us right now. All the bills are actually in my name. DH gives me all of the money he can, he just isn't earning enough to cover them. I do appreciate your thoughts and believe me I have thought of it, I just wouldn't work in our current situation. raeoflyte...I do agree with you. Right now DH's income is very erratic and insufficient, so it's hard to plan anything. I actually handle the finances for a small, but lucrative company, so I am very familiar with what needs to be done. I feel like once the business starts to make some money, I will be able to figure out how to take distributions to help cover household bills. I haven't really gotten that far in my planning (although I do know rough profit margins, business expectations, expenses, etc), because I realized I would be getting too far ahead of myself and it would be better to get some real information once he got his license.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 30, 2011 13:34:00 GMT -5
I know but I have known a few people who were on the verge of divorce over fights about finances. The way they resolved it was to completely seperate their finances. The only way to make it work though is to make the family "account" a bill. And the first bill that gets paid too. If it is a bill for some reason people pay it but if it is just our savings people don't. I would even go so far as to write up a family bill and give it to him. Make him pay it every month. That way it takes all the other stuff out of the discussion. It isn't the $1000 you want him to pay it is just a bill that happens to be to the "family unit". It may not work for you right now but it is a thought. Sometimes we all need to try something different when we really want a different result.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 30, 2011 13:39:26 GMT -5
Could you cover the bills with your money and with his sporadic income cover some savings?
When DH was unemployed he didn't get a lot of unemployment. I could cover all our bills with my salary but not much else. So I used his unemployment to save/pay his student loans and that was it. Instead of trying to make his unemployment cover EVERYTHING his salary had, I applied it to what I could and made up for the rest with my own.
It was a lot less stress and I built up a lot less resentment because instead of looking at what he was not bringing in I focused on what he DID.
It's great that you want to cover all those things for your kid but depending on how old she those things are A LONG time away. You sound like me and you are getting very very far ahead of yourself and into the future.
While it is great to be that goal driven, in a situation like you are now it makes you WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more stressed than you need to be because you have so many goals. You need to break things down into what you can do TODAY, right now. Even if that means "Tomorrow I pay the electric bill" "Tuesday I pay the mortage".
I set a very high bar for myself and very lofty goals. I turn into super mega freak and a bitch with my DH because there is no way in hell I can meet all of those goals at the same time. Plus DH's brain doesn't work that way and talking about plans 18 years in the future overwhelms him.
I have to set little goals like today we don't spend, I want to save $X this month and then eventually work up to discussing saving for DD's college in 18 years.
I have to set little goals that eventually lead up to the big goal. That might be what your DH needs. You are pushing him towards the big end of getting the business up and running. Maybe instead you need to sit down and say "We are having troubles and I need you to help. Could you get your license by this date?"
Then move onto the next goal and the next one. Each goal will relieve your stress because it is a goal can be reached quickly and easily compared to the lofty goal of having it all done NOW.
And then your DH feels less rushed and irritated because you recognize each goal as it happens rather than focusing narrowly on the end goal.
You may have to accept that things like saving for college are going to have to take a backseat. It is not the end of the world if you do not save for her college. That's just one more stress you've added to your life that you don't need right now.
Your main focus needs to paying bills then him getting his license and then the next is getting whatever inspections you said you need to have so he can start his business. Let the rest go and try not to live so far into the future right now, take it one thing at a time.
Baby steps.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 30, 2011 13:42:49 GMT -5
It would really help if you posted your budget. Most of us can't give good marital advice but we could at least give feedback on how dire the situation is and what financial remedies we would recommend. It seems like you think the situation is dire and your husband thinks things are fine and you need to relax. You are getting good advice on counseling and such, but none of us know if you could relieve your stress with some minor cuts or if you are radically over budget and need to find a way to unload the house/cars if income doesn't go up. Would a part time job from your husband make up the gap until his business gets rolling or at least motivate him to work on the business so he can quit it? Does he have the time to work something part time or is he putting in 40+ hours per week starting things up?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 30, 2011 13:43:03 GMT -5
dq: I think part of the issue is one of urgency. They took in a teenager. That means that college is at most 5 years away.
tryingtofindbalance: Having gone through foster parent training a year ago, something just occurred to me. Depending on the age of the young lady you took in, there may be state assistance for her college.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 30, 2011 13:46:16 GMT -5
973beachbum...that was sortof the plan from the beginning. DH would just give me x amount every month for the household account, a "bill" that included his living expenses. He would have his own spending money for gas, and whatever else he wanted to buy. The problem is that he hasn't been able to pay his monthly "household bill" because he hasn't been earning enough money. My income goes into the checking account where all of the bills are paid from. I have to pay the bills whether DH has his portion or not. Unfortunately, there have been several months when DH has not been able to contribute much and it has been a struggle for me to keep up.
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azphx1972
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Post by azphx1972 on Mar 30, 2011 13:49:27 GMT -5
I think if you were to call into Dave Ramsey, he'd tell your hubby to go get a pizza delivering job until business improves.
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