Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2018 22:14:09 GMT -5
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk with him about how his daughters may perceive the situation (thanks to the posters that enlightened me on that) and whether I should make more of an effort to be engaged with them and how. I do think I need to show them that I'm interested in them as individuals, they aren't some unwanted part of a package deal. I'm still going to let him take the lead concerning his daughters and I'll stay in a supporting role. I already come and go as I please at his apartment, we'll handle weekends and time with the girls as he sees fit. I'll also suggest that he consider talking to a professional to get some guidance. The time frame I've given him will stand. If we don't make any progress or the situation doesn't improve by then, I'm going to settle back into my house and resume some of the stuff I've put on hold. I won't be as willing to move after that, but he can move in with me. I don't really see that happening though, the location is a real issue. We'll just have to see what happens and go from there, cuz that's all I got. I really appreciate everyone that shared their thoughts and opinions. Thank you! Best of luck! You seem very thoughtful about all of this and I am sure that you are making the best decision for your life going forward.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 6:36:03 GMT -5
I'm totally late to this party, so I do realize that this conversation has been a mostly concluded. (Also, I wanted to make sure I said hi to Pink Cashmere! HI!!!)
Please know I've done slightly more than skimming, so I may have missed where some of my points have already been addressed.
I think there's been a lot of good points about how the kids could be perceiving the situation. I also think there's going to be teenage attitude involved, and that must be taken into account.
Here's where I'm going to go off of the deep end: I'm going to talk to you has the kids' mom. Yes, I'm absolutely projecting, but the reality is, I've been on the other side of this table. My intention is to give you a bit of insight as to how the kids' mom might feel.
I understand those who have said that people should just be glad when there are more people to "love a kid". HOWEVER, as someone with low self-esteem, it's really threatening when there's another person to take my place. It doesn't matter if you don't intend to replace the mom. That's what the threat feels like--this person is going to do a better job than me and my kids won't want to be with me anymore. In no way am I insinuating the you or your BF have caused the kids or the mom to think this. It's just what happens, and the mom is probably being defensive.
For the kids, if when the SO is there every.single.time. the girls show up--regardless of whether or not the parent and the SO live together/are married, the kids will become resentful. They still want time with just their dad. The reality is that should happen in all parenting situations. The kids should get time with each individual parent and individually (one kid/one parent).
IF
crap, I stopped writing so I could pull dinner out of the oven. I seriously forgot where I was.
Now I need to go pick up DD from dance. I'll be back later. Heyyyy Chloe! Thanks for chiming in and trying to give me some insight. I don't have much time right now, I'll be back later.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 28, 2018 7:50:12 GMT -5
From my blended family experience and that of friends, it will help enormously when there is more predictability regarding your presence. Also, you two need to find a home for everyone, not yours. Renting out yours sounds like a great idea. Teenagers will be teenagers and hate their parents. It's just the way of the world.
Think of things to do yourself with the girls - one at a time and both together - and pursue. A show? A hike? Learning to drive? Kayaking? I remember retail therapy being very very effective with teen girls. You're building your own relationship with them and letting them see you as more of a whole person than dad's SO.
Best to you.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on Feb 28, 2018 21:02:04 GMT -5
From my blended family experience and that of friends, it will help enormously when there is more predictability regarding your presence. Also, you two need to find a home for everyone, not yours. Renting out yours sounds like a great idea. Teenagers will be teenagers and hate their parents. It's just the way of the world. Think of things to do yourself with the girls - one at a time and both together - and pursue. A show? A hike? Learning to drive? Kayaking? I remember retail therapy being very very effective with teen girls. You're building your own relationship with them and letting them see you as more of a whole person than dad's SO. Best to you. If I was the ex-wife and you offered to teach my girls to drive, you would be my best friend! Teaching my daughter to drive was one of the damn scariest things I have done in my life.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Feb 28, 2018 22:45:17 GMT -5
I'm about five pages late to this party, so I'll be brief....
I think the housing situation is secondary to the family situation.
You want to be in his life, he wants to be in your life, you make him happy, he makes you happy, you want to be together.
I understand the desire from the girls to want daddy/daughter time, but you two are a unit. If they love their father, they want him to be happy. If you make him happy, they should want you there. At some point, they have to realize you're not interfering with their time with their father, you're enhancing the experience. Spending time with daddy also means spending time with @pinkcshmere , because y'all are a package deal.
You aren't there to be their mother or replace their mother, but you are there as their father's best friend. It is good that they respect you, although that will be tested a little the first time you try to discipline either of them.
Once the girls figure out you're there every single time they visit and you're going to be involved with anything they do with their dad, their attitudes will change.
ETA: You said the girls never get off their phones, are they into social media? Can you bond with them over that? When I started dating EXGF, she and the girls were all-in on Vine, something I never used before. Having the opportunity to teach me about the media and connect to them was one more thing we could have in common. If they're on Snapchat, ask if you can add them. Watching their stories is an easy way to keep up with their lives.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 6:49:31 GMT -5
From my blended family experience and that of friends, it will help enormously when there is more predictability regarding your presence. Also, you two need to find a home for everyone, not yours. Renting out yours sounds like a great idea. Teenagers will be teenagers and hate their parents. It's just the way of the world. Think of things to do yourself with the girls - one at a time and both together - and pursue. A show? A hike? Learning to drive? Kayaking? I remember retail therapy being very very effective with teen girls. You're building your own relationship with them and letting them see you as more of a whole person than dad's SO. Best to you. If I was the ex-wife and you offered to teach my girls to drive, you would be my best friend! Teaching my daughter to drive was one of the damn scariest things I have done in my life. I don't think my nerves could take that, having taught my own 2, or trying to. At one point I refused to let my daughter back in the driver's seat of my car. Fortunately for everybody, their Dad is teach the oldest, the youngest hasn't really started yet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 7:26:07 GMT -5
beergut I hear what you're saying. I still think children need some time alone with each parent, even one on one time without the other sibling(s) if at all possible. I think that's important even with both parents in the house with their biological children. Maybe it tends to happen more naturally in that situation though. Honestly, they're not always home the whole weekend anyway, since they're teenagers, they have activities and want to spend time with their friends. This past weekend, he was really only with them Friday night and a couple hours Sunday afternoon because of they had other things they had committed to and plans with their friends. idk what they do on their phones. Neither of their parents want them on social media. No Facebook or Snapchat. The oldest does love Pinterest. She also like doing hair and I'm at my wits end with mine, letting my relaxer grow out. I can ask her to help me find some styles and ideas so I don't continue feeling so horrible about my hair.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 1, 2018 10:14:33 GMT -5
beergut I hear what you're saying. I still think children need some time alone with each parent, even one on one time without the other sibling(s) if at all possible. I think that's important even with both parents in the house with their biological children. Maybe it tends to happen more naturally in that situation though. Honestly, they're not always home the whole weekend anyway, since they're teenagers, they have activities and want to spend time with their friends. This past weekend, he was really only with them Friday night and a couple hours Sunday afternoon because of they had other things they had committed to and plans with their friends. idk what they do on their phones. Neither of their parents want them on social media. No Facebook or Snapchat. The oldest does love Pinterest. She also like doing hair and I'm at my wits end with mine, letting my relaxer grow out. I can ask her to help me find some styles and ideas so I don't continue feeling so horrible about my hair. sidebar - I've tried this twice now two years years in a row and caved each time because I HATE how I look with short, very curly hair. Is she natural? If so, that is definitely something you two can grow your relationship over.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 13:09:23 GMT -5
MJ2.0, I remember one time when you tried the natural hair thing. I haven't cut it, I have 2-3 inches of natural hair then relaxed hair past my shoulders. I've been wearing a lot of hats these past few months. Every couple of weeks I say screw this, I'm getting a relaxer! She's not natural, the youngest is, but she keeps hers in braids and twists with extra hair instead of wearing her natural hair out. The oldest just likes styling hair and looking for random ideas on Pinterest. I'm definitely open to ideas at this point.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 1, 2018 13:49:34 GMT -5
MJ2.0 , I remember one time when you tried the natural hair thing. I haven't cut it, I have 2-3 inches of natural hair then relaxed hair past my shoulders. I've been wearing a lot of hats these past few months. Every couple of weeks I say screw this, I'm getting a relaxer! She's not natural, the youngest is, but she keeps hers in braids and twists with extra hair instead of wearing her natural hair out. The oldest just likes styling hair and looking for random ideas on Pinterest. I'm definitely open to ideas at this point. that counts as being natural! I have a friend who does this. I actually know a fair amount of black women who do this. I totally would but I don't have the $$$ to keep getting braids then sew-ins then twists then back to sew-ins....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2018 15:43:14 GMT -5
MJ2.0 , I remember one time when you tried the natural hair thing. I haven't cut it, I have 2-3 inches of natural hair then relaxed hair past my shoulders. I've been wearing a lot of hats these past few months. Every couple of weeks I say screw this, I'm getting a relaxer! She's not natural, the youngest is, but she keeps hers in braids and twists with extra hair instead of wearing her natural hair out. The oldest just likes styling hair and looking for random ideas on Pinterest. I'm definitely open to ideas at this point. that counts as being natural! I have a friend who does this. I actually know a fair amount of black women who do this. I totally would but I don't have the $$$ to keep getting braids then sew-ins then twists then back to sew-ins.... The oldest has a relaxer, the youngest is the natural with the braids and such. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Ive never had braids, any kind of weave or worn a wig. I plan to just cut my hair when the natural part gets to a length I'm comfortable with or the relaxed part starts breaking off (please, no). Or I just get sick of trying to manage 2 vastly different textures. Somehow, knowing I can always get a relaxer at any time helps me resist the urge to do it. I know, I'm backwards lol.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Mar 1, 2018 23:36:15 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere and MJ2.0, have either of y'all seen the movie *Stepsisters* on Netflix? If so, I have an etiquette/beauty question about a scene in the movie.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 8:01:55 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere and MJ2.0 , have either of y'all seen the movie *Stepsisters* on Netflix? If so, I have an etiquette/beauty question about a scene in the movie. I haven't seen it. Is it good?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Mar 2, 2018 10:42:05 GMT -5
I haven't either.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Mar 2, 2018 12:43:23 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere and MJ2.0 , have either of y'all seen the movie *Stepsisters* on Netflix? If so, I have an etiquette/beauty question about a scene in the movie. I haven't seen it. Is it good? I thought it was well done. Synopsis: Leader of national champion sorority step team has to teach a mostly-white social sorority how to step in order to gain admission to Harvard Law. The movie touches on various topics, like cultural identity and the pressure to succeed when in an ultra-successful family.
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jitterbug
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Post by jitterbug on Mar 16, 2018 14:21:21 GMT -5
As others have said - I'm late to the party and I haven't read through each posting, so I may be repeating what others say. I think you would be facing a lot of these same scenarios even if the parents were still married to each other! Teenagers are hell to raise! I absolutely LOVE my 30 year old son now - but I would have easily sold him to the highest bidder when he was 14-18! I literally told him once "I don't want to be your mom anymore!" So in my opinion, much of the attitude your bf is getting is simply BECAUSE they are teenagers! And it's getting fueled by their mother throwing fire darts on him. My advice would be to stay the course....him being the good parent, you being the supportive girlfriend...and they will eventually grow up and see how it really is. And in the meantime - YOU need to live YOUR LIVES for YOUR happiness. Nothing you can do will make THEM any happier - so as long as you are respectful to them in merging households, go for it. (And by respectful, I mean that they still have a place in your mutual house and are welcome to raid the fridge and basically treat it as their second home, just like they did at dad's alone). My best friend went through this exact same thing with her husband's kids and her heart broke for him each time they blew off a visitation or hurt him with their actions - but they now love their dad AND my best friend with all their hearts!
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