NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 26, 2018 13:04:33 GMT -5
I'm not sure what issue you are referring to and what bull we need to take by the horns. Can you please clarify?
You mentioned you are thinking about moving in together but you both still maintain separate living arrangements. You say you both want to all be a family but yet you disappear when the kids are around and he supports your behavior. Like I said this is probably unintentional but you are both sending a message that you are just some woman he dates instead of "family member".
So it's high time for your boyfriend and yourself to have "the talk". Are you really committed to staying together and becoming a family or not? You will need to provide a unified front and actually demonstrate thru your actions that this is what you want.
Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Dad may be talking about how he wants you all to be family but from their perspective you have one foot out the door still. You guys aren't living together and neither one of you appear to be doing much to actually create "a family".
The kids watched their parents get divorced. Would you want to develop a family type relationship with someone who as far as they can tell isn't interested in one?
Until you and your boyfriend decide you are 100% committed to being a family and take the steps to make that happen I wouldn't pursue a relationship with the girls beyond what you have now.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 26, 2018 13:08:07 GMT -5
Sounds like you and the kids like each other and get along just fine. I would guess that the attitude towards their father is being picked up from their mother. They could be getting the idea that this is how you're supposed to treat this guy. If they see you and your BF interact more in a positive way, it might counteract that a bit, but they're teenagers, so probably not as much as you'd like.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 13:09:14 GMT -5
hoops902, you've been a huge help with helping me understand how they might see things. Your perspective never occurred to me, but it struck a chord when I read your posts. You've given me some things to think about and I really appreciate it, because this is important to me. I'm going to marinate on it and once I sort my thoughts out, talk to him about it and see what he thinks.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 26, 2018 13:17:10 GMT -5
I also think another good reason to see someone is to come up with prepared answers when you know feelings are going to get hurt.
I would never wish any harm on your SO's health, but, even as a 22 year old, I might get upset that Dad's girlfriend (or new wife) has rights to make health care decisions and flesh and blood doesn't, especially when the flesh and blood relationship has been longer than the romantic one.
I have to say, I would not want to deal with all the extra emotional layers during a crisis.
You all have so many milestones coming up with those girls in the next 10-15 years...you need a plan for how these will be dealt with.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 13:19:05 GMT -5
I'm not sure what issue you are referring to and what bull we need to take by the horns. Can you please clarify?You mentioned you are thinking about moving in together but you both still maintain separate living arrangements. You say you both want to all be a family but yet you disappear when the kids are around and he supports your behavior. Like I said this is probably unintentional but you are both sending a message that you are just some woman he dates instead of "family member". So it's high time for your boyfriend and yourself to have "the talk". Are you really committed to staying together and becoming a family or not? You will need to provide a unified front and actually demonstrate thru your actions that this is what you want. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Dad may be talking about how he wants you all to be family but from their perspective you have one foot out the door still. You guys aren't living together and neither one of you appear to be doing much to actually create "a family". The kids watched their parents get divorced. Would you want to develop a family type relationship with someone who as far as they can tell isn't interested in one? Until you and your boyfriend decide you are 100% committed to being a family and take the steps to make that happen I wouldn't pursue a relationship with the girls beyond what you have now. Ok, I get it now. And you are absolutely right. Thank you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 13:38:10 GMT -5
I also think another good reason to see someone is to come up with prepared answers when you know feelings are going to get hurt. I would never wish any harm on your SO's health, but, even as a 22 year old, I might get upset that Dad's girlfriend (or new wife) has rights to make health care decisions and flesh and blood doesn't, especially when the flesh and blood relationship has been longer than the romantic one. I have to say, I would not want to deal with all the extra emotional layers during a crisis. You all have so many milestones coming up with those girls in the next 10-15 years...you need a plan for how these will be dealt with. Yes, we've had several conversations about how complicated things can get with us not being married. We've even talked about situations like the one you mentioned. Honestly, practical things like that kind of situation and our plan to buy a house, and heirs and wills are what made me start to be more open to the idea of getting married. I know society says we're suppose to marry for love and fairytales, but I already love and am committed to him and didn't feel I needed to marry him to prove it. But as time passes, I'm a bit concerned about continuing to build a life with him with no legal protections for either of us. And I know that people view a spouse differently than a boyfriend/girlfriend and until you're married or at least engaged, you're still just a boyfriend/girlfriend, yada, yada, yada. I'm still working it all out in my head, but that practical line of thinking is what planted the seed and halted my knee-jerk response whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Please dont flame me for thinking like that.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 26, 2018 13:45:42 GMT -5
It's good to hear from you and hear that you're well! Whatever the situation, this guy and his daughters are very lucky to have someone who is so thoughtful and caring in their lives. You will screw some things up, but the fact that you're aware of the situation and trying to find reasonable solutions shows what a good person you are... and that goes a long way in these situations. Good luck.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2018 13:47:21 GMT -5
what you're thinking makes a lot of sense. As much as people don't need to be married to have a family/kids/etc, "my wife/husband" is a LOT different than "my gf/bf".
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Feb 26, 2018 13:52:22 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere - off topic but how are your children? Do they get along with your new boyfriend? I know you were having a hard time with your daughter and I hope that situation has improved for all of you.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 26, 2018 14:03:25 GMT -5
I also think another good reason to see someone is to come up with prepared answers when you know feelings are going to get hurt. I would never wish any harm on your SO's health, but, even as a 22 year old, I might get upset that Dad's girlfriend (or new wife) has rights to make health care decisions and flesh and blood doesn't, especially when the flesh and blood relationship has been longer than the romantic one.
I have to say, I would not want to deal with all the extra emotional layers during a crisis. You all have so many milestones coming up with those girls in the next 10-15 years...you need a plan for how these will be dealt with. Chances are, healthcare decisions are discussed more between couples than a parent or child. I was TD’s Healthcare proxy, and he mine (legally, with paperwork) long before we got married. You could equally say his parents or sister could easily trump my say because they were flesh and bone, had known him longer and I was just a girlfriend. This is ALWAYS going to be an issue, unless you have your wishes down in writing, regardless of age or relationship. Decisions like this aren’t always about relationship or being flesh and bone, but knowing which person in your life will respect your wishes over their own emotions.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 26, 2018 14:05:28 GMT -5
Yes, we've had several conversations about how complicated things can get with us not being married. We've even talked about situations like the one you mentioned. Honestly, practical things like that kind of situation and our plan to buy a house, and heirs and wills are what made me start to be more open to the idea of getting married. I know society says we're suppose to marry for love and fairytales, but I already love and am committed to him and didn't feel I needed to marry him to prove it. But as time passes, I'm a bit concerned about continuing to build a life with him with no legal protections for either of us. And I know that people view a spouse differently than a boyfriend/girlfriend and until you're married or at least engaged, you're still just a boyfriend/girlfriend, yada, yada, yada. I'm still working it all out in my head, but that practical line of thinking is what planted the seed and halted my knee-jerk response whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Please dont flame me for thinking like that. No flames here. I didn't marry just for love. My list of partner requirements included things like being a saver, having similar religious and parenting outlooks, etc. And that's why we are still married. I also think you are very smart to think of the legal ramifications. You can still do it through all the proper paperwork and lawyers...Depending on the kind of wedding you have, a wedding could be cheaper. I'll always advocate for my kids to get a cheap courthouse wedding over living together with no legal protections..unless they are highly paid and can afford lawyers.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:06:09 GMT -5
Thank you!!! What you wrote makes sense. I DO like them, but I can see how I might have given them the same impression you got. Its just that I thought I was doing the right thing by giving them space to be alone with their Dad and go places without me, I'm not trying to avoid them at all. And I thought it would be best to build a relationship with them at a pace they are comfortable with. I've been trying so hard to not do too much, but maybe I'm not doing enough in some ways? I'm pretty quiet and reserved by nature and I can understand how all of that together may be coming off the wrong way to them. Clearly, I have no idea what the hell im doing. I've been thinking all along that there's nothing I can do, but you've made me think maybe there is. But I need somebody to tell me how to show them that the impression you got is not reality. I would like the family-unit sort of situation. I'm not trying to mother them, I respect that they already have a mother and they're not babies, but I would love for them to feel like I'm family. HELP!
Maybe you tell them exactly this. I've found being transparent with my kids when I'm at a parenting loss of what to do has worked wonders for our relationship. Things like unexpected questions - hmm, I want to talk to you about that but I need to think about it because I wasn't expecting it.
See, this is what I would do with my kids. But he and his family doesn't seem to operate like this. I don't have an issue being transparent with them, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I genuinely feel like like he has to take the lead and set the tone, but I guess I'm not real clear on my role, if that makes sense. I've never been in this kind of situation before from any of the angles. Child, parent or step parent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:10:40 GMT -5
It's good to hear from you and hear that you're well! Whatever the situation, this guy and his daughters are very lucky to have someone who is so thoughtful and caring in their lives. You will screw some things up, but the fact that you're aware of the situation and trying to find reasonable solutions shows what a good person you are... and that goes a long way in these situations. Good luck. Heyyyyy milee! Thank you so much for saying that. And thanks for the good luck, I think I need it.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 26, 2018 14:11:13 GMT -5
I also think another good reason to see someone is to come up with prepared answers when you know feelings are going to get hurt. I would never wish any harm on your SO's health, but, even as a 22 year old, I might get upset that Dad's girlfriend (or new wife) has rights to make health care decisions and flesh and blood doesn't, especially when the flesh and blood relationship has been longer than the romantic one. I have to say, I would not want to deal with all the extra emotional layers during a crisis. You all have so many milestones coming up with those girls in the next 10-15 years...you need a plan for how these will be dealt with. Yes, we've had several conversations about how complicated things can get with us not being married. We've even talked about situations like the one you mentioned. Honestly, practical things like that kind of situation and our plan to buy a house, and heirs and wills are what made me start to be more open to the idea of getting married. I know society says we're suppose to marry for love and fairytales, but I already love and am committed to him and didn't feel I needed to marry him to prove it. But as time passes, I'm a bit concerned about continuing to build a life with him with no legal protections for either of us. And I know that people view a spouse differently than a boyfriend/girlfriend and until you're married or at least engaged, you're still just a boyfriend/girlfriend, yada, yada, yada. I'm still working it all out in my head, but that practical line of thinking is what planted the seed and halted my knee-jerk response whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Please dont flame me for thinking like that. There are things that you can do which will make these situations easier if you are not married. We had dealt with all of them legally, and then decided to get married. All the paperwork remained with the same intent, just the wording changed. Personally, where both of us were in our lives really isn’t any different a year after getting married, other than I have some pretty new jewelry and as a spouse I can drive a rental car TD rents without paying for an additional driver. Those are pretty much the only differences (other than the assumption that my name is Mich Testdog ).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:16:22 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere - off topic but how are your children? Do they get along with your new boyfriend? I know you were having a hard time with your daughter and I hope that situation has improved for all of you. My son met my boyfriend but didn't get to really know him because he moved back across the country. They got along fine while my son was here. I'm hoping we can go visit him sometime this year. My daughter gets along with him and my grand babies love him. Uhhhh..... my daughter still hasn't gotten her shit together, I'll leave it at that. But thank you for hoping.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2018 14:17:19 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere - off topic but how are your children? Do they get along with your new boyfriend? I know you were having a hard time with your daughter and I hope that situation has improved for all of you. My son met my boyfriend but didn't get to really know him because he moved back across the country. They got along fine while my son was here. I'm hoping we can go visit him sometime this year. My daughter gets along with him and my grand babies love him. Uhhhh..... my daughter still hasn't gotten her shit together, I'll leave it at that. But thank you for hoping. hmmmm
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:25:34 GMT -5
Yes, we've had several conversations about how complicated things can get with us not being married. We've even talked about situations like the one you mentioned. Honestly, practical things like that kind of situation and our plan to buy a house, and heirs and wills are what made me start to be more open to the idea of getting married. I know society says we're suppose to marry for love and fairytales, but I already love and am committed to him and didn't feel I needed to marry him to prove it. But as time passes, I'm a bit concerned about continuing to build a life with him with no legal protections for either of us. And I know that people view a spouse differently than a boyfriend/girlfriend and until you're married or at least engaged, you're still just a boyfriend/girlfriend, yada, yada, yada. I'm still working it all out in my head, but that practical line of thinking is what planted the seed and halted my knee-jerk response whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Please dont flame me for thinking like that. No flames here. I didn't marry just for love. My list of partner requirements included things like being a saver, having similar religious and parenting outlooks, etc. And that's why we are still married. I also think you are very smart to think of the legal ramifications. You can still do it through all the proper paperwork and lawyers...Depending on the kind of wedding you have, a wedding could be cheaper. I'll always advocate for my kids to get a cheap courthouse wedding over living together with no legal protections..unless they are highly paid and can afford lawyers. IF (big IF) we get married, I don't want it to be some big event. A simple, small ceremony is more my speed. So I do have cheap covered if we go that route lol.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:26:17 GMT -5
My son met my boyfriend but didn't get to really know him because he moved back across the country. They got along fine while my son was here. I'm hoping we can go visit him sometime this year. My daughter gets along with him and my grand babies love him. Uhhhh..... my daughter still hasn't gotten her shit together, I'll leave it at that. But thank you for hoping. hmmmm What's that mean ma'am? ETA: Surely I havent been MIA so long that y'all didn't know I had 2 grand babies lol. Have I
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2018 14:27:59 GMT -5
sorry I thought you only had 1 grand baby. You said "grand-babies" and then mentioned your DD didn't have her shit together, so I put it together. I apologize if I'm wrong.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2018 14:30:09 GMT -5
What's that mean ma'am? ETA: Surely I havent been MIA so long that y'all didn't know I had 2 grand babies lol. Have I I only remember one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:31:06 GMT -5
No apology necessary. I figured out what you meant. My grandson will be 6 in April and my granddaughter will be 4 in May. Both my daughter's kids.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2018 14:35:02 GMT -5
No apology necessary. I figured out what you meant. My grandson will be 6 in April and my granddaughter will be 4 in May. Both my daughter's kids. wow, my son and your grandson are nearly the same age. I feel old, lol!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:41:58 GMT -5
No apology necessary. I figured out what you meant. My grandson will be 6 in April and my granddaughter will be 4 in May. Both my daughter's kids. wow, my son and your grandson are nearly the same age. I feel old, lol! Since it's my grandson, I'm probably the one that should feel old.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 26, 2018 14:49:35 GMT -5
Maybe you tell them exactly this. I've found being transparent with my kids when I'm at a parenting loss of what to do has worked wonders for our relationship. Things like unexpected questions - hmm, I want to talk to you about that but I need to think about it because I wasn't expecting it.
See, this is what I would do with my kids. But he and his family doesn't seem to operate like this. I don't have an issue being transparent with them, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I genuinely feel like like he has to take the lead and set the tone, but I guess I'm not real clear on my role, if that makes sense. I've never been in this kind of situation before from any of the angles. Child, parent or step parent. I would tell him that. I would also take time to think for yourself what YOU want your role to be. Don't find yourself agreeing to something you are not comfortable doing for his sake.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Feb 26, 2018 20:20:37 GMT -5
Yes, we've had several conversations about how complicated things can get with us not being married. We've even talked about situations like the one you mentioned. Honestly, practical things like that kind of situation and our plan to buy a house, and heirs and wills are what made me start to be more open to the idea of getting married. I know society says we're suppose to marry for love and fairytales, but I already love and am committed to him and didn't feel I needed to marry him to prove it. But as time passes, I'm a bit concerned about continuing to build a life with him with no legal protections for either of us. And I know that people view a spouse differently than a boyfriend/girlfriend and until you're married or at least engaged, you're still just a boyfriend/girlfriend, yada, yada, yada. I'm still working it all out in my head, but that practical line of thinking is what planted the seed and halted my knee-jerk response whenever the subject of marriage comes up. Please dont flame me for thinking like that. No flames here. I didn't marry just for love. My list of partner requirements included things like being a saver, having similar religious and parenting outlooks, etc. And that's why we are still married. I also think you are very smart to think of the legal ramifications. You can still do it through all the proper paperwork and lawyers...Depending on the kind of wedding you have, a wedding could be cheaper. I'll always advocate for my kids to get a cheap courthouse wedding over living together with no legal protections..unless they are highly paid and can afford lawyers. I get it too. I've been seeing my BF for 9 months now. He has a 2 year old and has been battling a lot of this sort of crap from his ex girlfriend. Months ago her attorney asked for my name and age to try to find something on me to prevent him from getting custody. It's ridiculous. She was arrested 5 years ago for being drunk in public and resisting arrest, but I feel like my privacy is being violated because I don't even know if I'm going to go forward with the relationship and now I'm being drug into a court battle? I've never met his kid, and even if we stay together I'm sure I won't for a long time to come. BF brought up marriage to me in September and again in December. I told him I am JUST getting over divorce, and besides that I wouldn't marry him without a pre-nup. I am serious too - I wouldn't. There are tons of things to consider. If I have kids with him there is inheritance stuff that has to be worked out, and a prenup is part of that. But my brother in law's mom was married to this guy 20 years. He had some land and after his death his sisters took BILs mom to court because they didn't want her to inherit. He was sick a long, long time. 10+ years. She wasn't some gold digger that married him the week before he died. It still got ugly for her, even with marriage. They had all these wills that predated the ones she had in a safe so she could prove the stuff was supposed to go to her, but just know being married won't stop upset people from lashing out.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 26, 2018 21:25:42 GMT -5
So one other thought I had thinking about this...it's also possible your feelings about their mother are slipping through and they're seeing that as well. Frankly, I think you ARE viewing him through some rose colored glasses on some topics (which isn't to say she's being great...but I think some of the things you're dinging her for are fine on her part).
Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore:
:: His ex-wife assigned him that day to pick their daughters up from school.:: He didn't have to agree. Just the language you're using carries weight...might be seeping through where you don't intend?
::I saw the texts when she embarrassed her teenage daughters by refusing to let them take any clothes when they went to spend the weekend with him. She was mad about money and determined to make him spend some and he did because he bought them some clothes so they wouldn't have to wear the same ones every day they were with him.:: This is what he SHOULD be doing...he should be providing clothing for them when they're with him.
::One day she was bringing them to the apartment, realized I was there and made them go home. Because she "didn't realize they had a babysitter" and she didn't want somebody she didn't know around her kids. :: His time with them is HIS time with them...I'd be annoyed too if I was bringing my kids to see their parent and that parent wasn't there and didn't bother to tell me they wouldn't even be there. Lots of custody agreements have right of first refusal...so if it's your time...and you're not actually going to be with them, the other parent has the right to spend time with them.
None of this is to say that she's doing the right thing in a lot of circumstances based on what you're saying...but he's clearly either dropping the ball...or there's this sense of being a victim to do the things he's supposed to do (assigned a day to pick them up from school, forced to spend money on clothes for them (classifying it as a "stunt"). People's true feelings tend to show themselves even when we don't intend...it's totally possible that the girls see this from you even if you try to hide it when you're around them. It's bad enough when that feeling comes through and it is for legitimate reasons...but you seem angry that he's doing things that he is SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Even where he's falling short and she's upset...you're still jumping to his defense even though he's in the wrong (you picked him...so that's understandable especially if it's a hostile situation in general, we tend to defend "our side" rather than give in), but that's certainly not going to help things. Look at it from the children's perspective...this stuff seeps through...it's one thing when your one parent is an "opponent" of your other parent...it's another thing entirely when a non-family member is an opponent of your parent...even if you think your parent might be wrong...it just makes you circle the wagons against the non-family member. All of this is to essentially say, watch your language around the kids...and you're probably trying to...but understand that even that negative energy tends to slide in where you didn't intend and show itself (I mean look at the language you used on the days you guys go to pick them up...assigned...it sounds more like a chore than a time to spend with the kids).
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Feb 27, 2018 5:26:14 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere how have you been? Been missing you I will keep my answer short : either get off the toilet or take a shit already! *sorry for the visual* A) you have been dating long enough and still wrestling with a question you had last year. You guys should have taken a month tops to decide: hey we are doing this or not... not a year. You ain’t no young snapper and time is wasting! B) Deciding above would have let both ex and kids known if you are “permanent” or just “passing through”. Sorry we are humans and we need to fit people in a nice little box and right now they cannot figure you out and you are all over the place: either there for pickups or not there for weekends to give them space. C) If you become a permanent figure (maybe even put a ring on it; channel your inner *Beyoncé* or Queen Bee) they will start treating you or your presence as a permanent figure. Cannot get mad as someone that is always there because their ass ain’t going nowhere: they are always there. D) STOP half ass’ing this... I cannot stand people that half ass shit. You either a family Unit for good or your not; stop playing house... you are too old for that shit. Become the official “woman” of the house or “bow” out. Become their step mommy or get out the picture. PICK A SIDE woman! Basically summary of A, B and C E) to re-inforce what hoops I think said: your boo is being dad... maybe doing more than most if not all dead beats do or more you expected from your kids fathers (again we see things through our own glasses colored by own life/bias) but he is not doing anything more than I would expect from a dad (except for the clothes thing, sorry I disagree with hoops there, that was just “thriffling” lol). While yes kids should have clothes at both residences (or I would expect they do); if you know they don’t... using your kids to get back at your ex is a “low move” for any parents I don’t care what excuse you use. ——> word of advice as a child of divorce with 3 ex step moms and 1 step dad: take the children and love them as your own, treat them as your own... regardless of their mother’s actions. ——> don’t ever bad mouth their mother (even deep down you really want to) in front of them or around them and encourage your boo to do the same; a child gut instinct is to protect their mama and hate your ass no matter how right you are and how wrong she is. Just put a smile on, example that clothing situation and say: don’t worry babies, we got you. Guess we are going to go shopping (with a smile on)... and start stockpiling clothes for them at your place... ——> last but not least: channel your inner Michel Obama because you are going to need it: when they go low, you go high. Always take the high ground no matter how bad you want to get in the gutter (and times will come when you get tested ... even more when you become the official lady of the house). Damn, and I thought this was going to be short! Sorry!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:45:36 GMT -5
@hoops902,
::I saw the texts when she embarrassed her teenage daughters by refusing to let them take any clothes when they went to spend the weekend with him. She was mad about money and determined to make him spend some and he did because he bought them some clothes so they wouldn't have to wear the same ones every day they were with him.:: This is what he SHOULD be doing...he should be providing clothing for them when they're with him.
i disagree. He buys them clothes and shoes. They take them home with them so they can wear them whenever they want. Are you saying he should make them leave everything he buys at his house? That doesn't make sense to me. I could understand keeping some of their clothes maybe if they were a lot younger, but not teenagers who can keep up with their own clothes. He doesn't monitor what they leave or take. They usually only leave clothes they lounge around the house in and take their nicer, better fitting clothes with them.
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Deleted
Joined: May 18, 2024 0:14:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:58:38 GMT -5
::One day she was bringing them to the apartment, realized I was there and made them go home. Because she "didn't realize they had a babysitter" and she didn't want somebody she didn't know around her kids. :: His time with them is HIS time with them...I'd be annoyed too if I was bringing my kids to see their parent and that parent wasn't there and didn't bother to tell me they wouldn't even be there. Lots of custody agreements have right of first refusal...so if it's your time...and you're not actually going to be with them, the other parent has the right to spend time with them.
This was not his scheduled time. It was a week he was working evenings (he normally works days) and they knew it, but his oldest daughter had been asking to come spend a few days. Her mother had finally agreed. They knew he was at work that night and that he wouldn't be home until close to midnight. The oldest daughter has a key. The whole thing was odd to me. I wondered why his daughter picked that specific week, she had to go to school, by the time she got out, he'd be at work. By the time he got home, she should be sleep. So it's not like they would've had any time together. And their Mother is usually adamant about him doing all the picking up and dropping off, regardless of his work schedule or anything else. All of it was odd imo, but I stayed out of it.
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MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 6:44:00 GMT -5
So one other thought I had thinking about this...it's also possible your feelings about their mother are slipping through and they're seeing that as well. Frankly, I think you ARE viewing him through some rose colored glasses on some topics (which isn't to say she's being great...but I think some of the things you're dinging her for are fine on her part).
Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore:
:: His ex-wife assigned him that day to pick their daughters up from school.:: He didn't have to agree. Just the language you're using carries weight...might be seeping through where you don't intend?
::I saw the texts when she embarrassed her teenage daughters by refusing to let them take any clothes when they went to spend the weekend with him. She was mad about money and determined to make him spend some and he did because he bought them some clothes so they wouldn't have to wear the same ones every day they were with him.:: This is what he SHOULD be doing...he should be providing clothing for them when they're with him.
::One day she was bringing them to the apartment, realized I was there and made them go home. Because she "didn't realize they had a babysitter" and she didn't want somebody she didn't know around her kids. :: His time with them is HIS time with them...I'd be annoyed too if I was bringing my kids to see their parent and that parent wasn't there and didn't bother to tell me they wouldn't even be there. Lots of custody agreements have right of first refusal...so if it's your time...and you're not actually going to be with them, the other parent has the right to spend time with them.
None of this is to say that she's doing the right thing in a lot of circumstances based on what you're saying...but he's clearly either dropping the ball...or there's this sense of being a victim to do the things he's supposed to do (assigned a day to pick them up from school, forced to spend money on clothes for them (classifying it as a "stunt"). People's true feelings tend to show themselves even when we don't intend...it's totally possible that the girls see this from you even if you try to hide it when you're around them. It's bad enough when that feeling comes through and it is for legitimate reasons...but you seem angry that he's doing things that he is SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Even where he's falling short and she's upset...you're still jumping to his defense even though he's in the wrong (you picked him...so that's understandable especially if it's a hostile situation in general, we tend to defend "our side" rather than give in), but that's certainly not going to help things. Look at it from the children's perspective...this stuff seeps through...it's one thing when your one parent is an "opponent" of your other parent...it's another thing entirely when a non-family member is an opponent of your parent...even if you think your parent might be wrong...it just makes you circle the wagons against the non-family member. All of this is to essentially say, watch your language around the kids...and you're probably trying to...but understand that even that negative energy tends to slide in where you didn't intend and show itself (I mean look at the language you used on the days you guys go to pick them up...assigned...it sounds more like a chore than a time to spend with the kids).
Pink shouldn't have to censor her feelings about this on an anonymous message board, and you shouldn't assume that what she's saying here is seeping into her actions. Many people are able to compartmentalize and smile through things that they dislike. There are many times I wanted to tell DS just why he can't do Scouts or take karate, but as I refuse to bad mouth X to him, I just say we can't do it right now but we'll try next season/year. Not perfect but not really a lie either, and certainly not putting negative thoughts about his dad into his head.
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