Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 27, 2018 10:45:48 GMT -5
Would your place be too out of the way for his children to come to? Is there a good in between place for both of you to move to? Maybe everyone is feeling a bit unsettled, just like you are?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 10:46:13 GMT -5
I don't think that not moving in together is causing issues. Their teenagers so they're going to be issues no matter what you do. so much this.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 10:47:55 GMT -5
I am not a big fan of the “put your life on hold” while raising a child mantra for divorced parents or single parents. My MIL did that and while she does not regret it, it can get lonely being alone. As she said: she does not miss the “husband” but she miss having a “companion”: someone to do things with, talk to, travel with. For now she has a few friends and sisters filling in that role but she does not have her “someone”. My mom did that (thus the age difference between my siblings and I , 17-18 years) and I wish she did not. My stepfather has been such a great influence in my life I wish he was in it longer. While your kids are priority (and my daughter is ); you can still have a life outside of being a parent. Having someone live you does not take away from you being a parent and most adults that enter relationship with another adult that is a parent usually understand the time constraint/raising kids. If not they are not the one for you: my good friend at 30 married his girlfriend of 2 years and suddenly became a step dad to a 14 and 9 years old (yes she is older than him). Another friend at 36 became mom to 4 kids after dating their dad for a year... I am still in contact with 1 step mom and she divorced my Dad when I was 12... so 20 years ago. I still call her mom and she still introduce me as her son. Sucky people will be sucky people but don’t close yourself off to Meeting wonderful people that are out there just because you are a “single parent”. NO YOU CAN'T!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:48:01 GMT -5
Not sure which avenue (get closer, stay away) is the right one - nobody knows that but you and him. But either way, some consistency in the scheduling might help. It sounds like while you are incredibly respectful and kind, your presence is still viewed as an intrusion on their time - which is made worse by the fact that it (you being there) happens at unpredictable intervals. In other words, the girls don't have any clue when you'll be there so when it does happen - even if it's occasional and not offensive - it's something different than what they expected. Many kids don't deal with things being different than they expected, even if that different thing isn't negative. They have a picture in their mind of what will happen and if that scenario doesn't happen, it's a problem. You may only be there once every 4 or 5 visits, but if that time you're there is not what they expected, that change is unwelcome. I had to become very familiar with this because both of my boys have this characteristic. They both set very clear expectations in their mind of what a situation or outing or event is going to be, and if things are different they're totally thrown off. Obviously as they've gotten older they've become more mature about handling this and I've become more aware of it so can head things off at the pass, but it still can be a factor. BTW, the different/unexpected thing doesn't even have to be something they don't like for it to be viewed as negative, it's the change or difference that is the issue. So you're not necessarily the issue if this is what's happening, it's just that you being there is not what they pictured. A first step might be to set a schedule of when you'll be there and for what events. That way the girls know in advance it's "extended family" time, not "alone with dad" time and your presence isn't a shocker to them. Just removing the randomness of the situation might help smooth the way to a better relationship. Good advice. I'm kind of like that myself, in that I like to know what to expect, so I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for pointing that out. I will definitely mention that to him, because he's the total opposite, just rolls with whatever happens. But that doesn't mean his daughters operate like that.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 27, 2018 10:55:31 GMT -5
I don't think that not moving in together is causing issues. Their teenagers so they're going to be issues no matter what you do. so much this. Ack--if only I was capable of proper grammar!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:57:28 GMT -5
I am not a big fan of the “put your life on hold” while raising a child mantra for divorced parents or single parents. My MIL did that and while she does not regret it, it can get lonely being alone. As she said: she does not miss the “husband” but she miss having a “companion”: someone to do things with, talk to, travel with. For now she has a few friends and sisters filling in that role but she does not have her “someone”. My mom did that (thus the age difference between my siblings and I , 17-18 years) and I wish she did not. My stepfather has been such a great influence in my life I wish he was in it longer. While your kids are priority (and my daughter is ); you can still have a life outside of being a parent. Having someone live you does not take away from you being a parent and most adults that enter relationship with another adult that is a parent usually understand the time constraint/raising kids. If not they are not the one for you: my good friend at 30 married his girlfriend of 2 years and suddenly became a step dad to a 14 and 9 years old (yes she is older than him). Another friend at 36 became mom to 4 kids after dating their dad for a year... I am still in contact with 1 step mom and she divorced my Dad when I was 12... so 20 years ago. I still call her mom and she still introduce me as her son. Sucky people will be sucky people but don’t close yourself off to Meeting wonderful people that are out there just because you are a “single parent”. I totally agree. I think single parents need to be very careful with their dating choices, but I don't believe it's necessary to slam the door to the possibility of meeting someone special. Unless that's just what they want to do.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 27, 2018 11:04:53 GMT -5
I think it's easy for people to say that divorced parents shouldn't date because we can place that as a choice they made. We're a lot less likely to tell that to widow(er)'s even though obviously the kids are a first/top priority in both situations and will need more support in the latter.
My dad married my mom when sis was 7. There were rocky points and sis didn't like or appreciate my dad until she was an adult, but she is glad my mom has him now.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Feb 27, 2018 11:08:53 GMT -5
There's your answer.....you already know this. He isn't comfortable with moving in, or, as I said, he would have done it. I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what? I would say it means you shouldn't move in together. You both seem to understand that it isn't in anyone's best interest to live together right now. You can still maintain a relationship. Caring for one another and having a life isn't predicated on living together. You've had to face the truth of the situation. No crime there. Better to acknowledge the reality and shift course than move in together and face a shit show of issues. You can't change it....but you can make a responsible and logical decision based on it. Also, it is the more loving thing to allow your BF the freedom to do what he needs to do. It will actually be much better for you as well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 11:10:24 GMT -5
Would your place be too out of the way for his children to come to? Is there a good in between place for both of you to move to? Maybe everyone is feeling a bit unsettled, just like you are? Their whole lives are centered around the area his apartment is in. School, friends, family, everything. My house is clear across the city and would be inconvenient. That's why getting another house that's not so far away is the preferred option. Plus he thinks they would feel better moving into a neutral place that is "ours" vs moving into "my" house. I'm ok with that. And finally, some of it is his ego, he feels some kind of way about moving in with a woman no matter how many bills he'd pay, he feels like he needs to provide the home. I don't have an issue moving to their side of town.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 27, 2018 11:11:55 GMT -5
Not sure which avenue (get closer, stay away) is the right one - nobody knows that but you and him. But either way, some consistency in the scheduling might help. It sounds like while you are incredibly respectful and kind, your presence is still viewed as an intrusion on their time - which is made worse by the fact that it (you being there) happens at unpredictable intervals. In other words, the girls don't have any clue when you'll be there so when it does happen - even if it's occasional and not offensive - it's something different than what they expected. Many kids don't deal with things being different than they expected, even if that different thing isn't negative. They have a picture in their mind of what will happen and if that scenario doesn't happen, it's a problem. You may only be there once every 4 or 5 visits, but if that time you're there is not what they expected, that change is unwelcome. I had to become very familiar with this because both of my boys have this characteristic. They both set very clear expectations in their mind of what a situation or outing or event is going to be, and if things are different they're totally thrown off. Obviously as they've gotten older they've become more mature about handling this and I've become more aware of it so can head things off at the pass, but it still can be a factor. BTW, the different/unexpected thing doesn't even have to be something they don't like for it to be viewed as negative, it's the change or difference that is the issue. So you're not necessarily the issue if this is what's happening, it's just that you being there is not what they pictured. A first step might be to set a schedule of when you'll be there and for what events. That way the girls know in advance it's "extended family" time, not "alone with dad" time and your presence isn't a shocker to them. Just removing the randomness of the situation might help smooth the way to a better relationship. Good advice. I'm kind of like that myself, in that I like to know what to expect, so I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for pointing that out. I will definitely mention that to him, because he's the total opposite, just rolls with whatever happens. But that doesn't mean his daughters operate like that. I'm a roller - so figuring out change is no biggie to me. In fact, without any change or randomness I tend to get bored. So it's been a huge adjustment for me to understand this issue with my boys. And it's given me a little insight on DH, because I think they get it from him. Back you you and SO - if you're a roller it's hard to even picture what this issue is, so your SO may be totally unaware. Even though I know my boys are like this, it still catches me off guard sometimes. Little and big things. Like in the morning I'll offhandedly mention I'm making their favorite Bolognese sauce for dinner that night but during the day I discover I'm missing an ingredient so make their favorite marinated steak dinner instead. When they get home, there's likely to be a freak out over the Not-Bolognese even though they both love, love, love the marinated steak. It's not that the steak is bad, it's that all day they'd been picturing the pasta and the change is impossible to process. When you suddenly (and to them randomly) appear, it's not that they don't like you it's that time as a group is not what they pictured and the change is impossible to process.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 27, 2018 11:16:43 GMT -5
Would your place be too out of the way for his children to come to? Is there a good in between place for both of you to move to? Maybe everyone is feeling a bit unsettled, just like you are? Their whole lives are centered around the area his apartment is in. School, friends, family, everything. My house is clear across the city and would be inconvenient. That's why getting another house that's not so far away is the preferred option. Plus he thinks they would feel better moving into a neutral place that is "ours" vs moving into "my" house. I'm ok with that. And finally, some of it is his ego, he feels some kind of way about moving in with a woman no matter how many bills he'd pay, he feels like he needs to provide the home. I don't have an issue moving to their side of town. Hmm, seems to me that the next intermediate step would be to spend a lot more time together when the girls are there, as that would be how it would be if you lived together, and see how well it goes. A neutral place would be better for this adjustment in some ways, but that would be a leap of faith--for you, especially.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 27, 2018 11:26:55 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what?
So that means neither one of you are really ready to become "a family". Which is not a bad thing because now you know where you both stand. Given that information I would say there is nothing wrong with your current relationship with the kids. They seem to have accepted you as a part of your dad's life and treat you well when you are there.
I'd get everything sorted out with the relationship between the two of you before you work on your relationship with the kids.
I think giving him a deadline was a good idea because you have to live your own life, you can't spend it waiting for him to decide he's ready.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Feb 27, 2018 11:36:13 GMT -5
OP I will make it easy for you; moving forward talk to your boo ASAP and pick one of those two:
A) be daddy’s friend/lover: aka you guys only hang out when he doesn’t have the kids. Night time after they have gone home, weekends when they are not there or when he is at your place. Heck to make it easier on all of you and mostly YOU: hang out together only when he is staying at your place or coming to drop you back at your place after dinner or an event. So his time with you is with you, his time with his kids is with his kids. If or when I get divorce this is the kind of relationship I am open to: basically you have 2 worlds and you do not mix them together. Usually great advice for newly divorced or separated so they don’t have random people coming in and out of their kids lives.
B) you think you are ready for next step and move in aka you are there all the time. Don’t sell your place yet, use the next year as a trial period (maybe rent it out for 1 year ... put your things in storage).... and by next spring depends on how this year goes you are either moving back into your place or putting it up for sale and buying a place together. But seriously move in, be there, be present, be the woman of the house, be future step mommy. That means they see you every time they come, you are in that car every time he picks them up, every time they go to the movies or mall... YOU ARE PRESENT.
So you both need to pick one and stick it with till your deadline next year: then re-evaluate.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Feb 27, 2018 11:38:45 GMT -5
Again I say it with love ( you know I got love for you girl): either take a shit or get off the pot! By the way: you guys make a cute couple (Facebook stalking )
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 11:48:02 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what? I would say it means you shouldn't move in together. You both seem to understand that it isn't in anyone's best interest to live together right now. You can still maintain a relationship. Caring for one another and having a life isn't predicated on living together. You've had to face the truth of the situation. No crime there. Better to acknowledge the reality and shift course than move in together and face a shit show of issues. You can't change it....but you can make a responsible and logical decision based on it. Also, it is the more loving thing to allow your BF the freedom to do what he needs to do. It will actually be much better for you as well. I can't get a handle on where you're coming from. I get the impression that you think moving in together is my idea and I'm trying to make him do something. How am I not giving him the freedom to do what he needs to do? Maybe I've been single so long that I don't know how to function in a relationship, but every step we've taken or talked about taking, going all the way back to even being in a relationship in the first place, are things he came to me about, things he wanted with me..... and I think about these things and decide whether I want them too, with him. I'm not demanding that he do any of this, but if we agree it's what we both want, we have to figure out how we can make it happen in a way that's not bad for his children. I thought that was the responsible and logical thing to do, we didn't just jump up and do it regardless of the fallout. I don't have a problem with an opposing viewpoint, or even people expressing the opinion that we shouldn't live together for the next several years, I just get an odd vibe from your posts. I dunno, maybe I'm just reading you wrong.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 11:55:11 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what?
So that means neither one of you are really ready to become "a family". Which is not a bad thing because now you know where you both stand. Given that information I would say there is nothing wrong with your current relationship with the kids. They seem to have accepted you as a part of your dad's life and treat you well when you are there. I'd get everything sorted out with the relationship between the two of you before you work on your relationship with the kids. I think giving him a deadline was a good idea because you have to live your own life, you can't spend it waiting for him to decide he's ready. What exactly do you think needs to be sorted out between the two of us? If being a family means forcing me on his kids full-time and telling them to just deal with it, then no I'M not ready. That seems like a terrible way to start out being in the same household permanently.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 27, 2018 12:05:55 GMT -5
I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what?
So that means neither one of you are really ready to become "a family". Which is not a bad thing because now you know where you both stand. Given that information I would say there is nothing wrong with your current relationship with the kids. They seem to have accepted you as a part of your dad's life and treat you well when you are there. I'd get everything sorted out with the relationship between the two of you before you work on your relationship with the kids. I think giving him a deadline was a good idea because you have to live your own life, you can't spend it waiting for him to decide he's ready. What exactly do you think needs to be sorted out between the two of us? If being a family means forcing me on his kids full-time and telling them to just deal with it, then no I'M not ready. That seems like a terrible way to start out being in the same household permanently. I'm talking about deciding what you both want this relationship to be. It seems for the time being neither one one of you are ready to progress beyond being "dad's girlfriend. You aren't ready and he isn't ready for you to take a bigger step either in his life or his kids'. Which there is nothing wrong with that. But then that leaves open the question of will you or him EVER be ready? Is this something you both actually want or is it one of those things where it seems like the logical step given how long you have been together? Eventually you will both need to decide what it is you want your relationship to be and live with it. As you said you need to plant roots and you can't do that until he decides what he wants. You can't remain in limbo forever that isn't fair to either one of you. You can't decide what your relationship with his kids is going to be if you don't know what type of relationship you will continue to have with him. I would give him the year to think about where he believes you guys are headed. You take the year to do the same. Then after a year come back to discuss and evaluate if you are still on the same page or if it might be a better idea to part. DH and I didn't have kids beforehand but we've had similar conversations during our relationship because being 10 years apart we've often been in totally different stages of our lives. Me graduating college was a cross roads and we had to discuss where we thought things were headed because that decision would affect my job searching. I got an offer to relocate while I was engaged which was another cross road because he had no intention of moving. We ended up getting married, living here and having kids. Those were all things we could not hmm and haw about forever. We had to "shit or get off the pot" if we were to ever be able to live our lives.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Feb 27, 2018 12:11:13 GMT -5
I have to agree with Carl ....... He is telling it like it is. Rent out your home out for a while and the two of you find a place to make a home together ....... and the girls will be a part of your new life.
I don't remember you saying how old the girls are, but being teens this sounds very normal, but unacceptable, behavior. Teens are trying to grow up and will find fault in everything.
Sorry their dad is getting the brunt of their anger, but it's up to him to put a boundary up.
Good luck
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 12:14:23 GMT -5
OP I will make it easy for you; moving forward talk to your boo ASAP and pick one of those two: A) be daddy’s friend/lover: aka you guys only hang out when he doesn’t have the kids. Night time after they have gone home, weekends when they are not there or when he is at your place. Heck to make it easier on all of you and mostly YOU: hang out together only when he is staying at your place or coming to drop you back at your place after dinner or an event. So his time with you is with you, his time with his kids is with his kids. If or when I get divorce this is the kind of relationship I am open to: basically you have 2 worlds and you do not mix them together. Usually great advice for newly divorced or separated so they don’t have random people coming in and out of their kids lives. B) you think you are ready for next step and move in aka you are there all the time. Don’t sell your place yet, use the next year as a trial period (maybe rent it out for 1 year ... put your things in storage).... and by next spring depends on how this year goes you are either moving back into your place or putting it up for sale and buying a place together. But seriously move in, be there, be present, be the woman of the house, be future step mommy. That means they see you every time they come, you are in that car every time he picks them up, every time they go to the movies or mall... YOU ARE PRESENT. So you both need to pick one and stick it with till your deadline next year: then re-evaluate. I did A when my kids were growing up lol. Basically what you're saying is either be all in or all out, as far as being around his children goes, right? He and I can discuss it, but I doubt he'll go for A. He already says he feels like he's living 2 separate lives and he wants it to all come together so we can all be a family. But I can try. i can tell you right now that I'm not completely moving into his apartment. I can spend more time there than I already do, but completely moving in, not gonna happen. If he had a house, yeah, but not an apartment. It's a hassle lugging groceries in, I hate having to walk so far to get to my car to go to work when it's cold and/or raining (versus my comfy garage lol), the upstairs neighbors wake me up stomping around all night, I can hear the next door neighbors talking and always wonder if they can hear me.... Yada, yada, yada. Apartment living is not for me and I'm not backing down on that one. Sorry. And I don't plan on selling my house no matter what we do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 12:15:32 GMT -5
Again I say it with love ( you know I got love for you girl): either take a shit or get off the pot! [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/wink.png" class="smile" alt=" " src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png"] By the way: you guys make a cute couple (Facebook stalking [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/wink.png" alt=" " src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png" class="smile"] ) Thank you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 12:37:21 GMT -5
Can someone please explain to me how being mindful of his children's feelings means we are not ready to be a family? Even if that's not where he's coming from, that's where I'm coming from and I don't see how that means I don't want it. Now I acknowledge I may have fumbled by doing what I thought was best in giving them space and time to get use to the idea of me being around, but does that really mean something more than I'd like for them to be ok with us being a family too? Does it throw our stated intentions and what we've agreed we want this relationship to be into question? I don't mean as far as how his daughters see it, I'm trying to understand Drama's posts about how we need to figure out our own relationship. I understand the thought that we need to shit or get off the pot, but not how that means we don't know what we want with each other or that neither of us really wants to be a family.
Give it it to me straight, please.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Feb 27, 2018 12:44:49 GMT -5
Can someone please explain to me how being mindful of his children's feelings means we are not ready to be a family? Even if that's not where he's coming from, that's where I'm coming from and I don't see how that means I don't want it. Now I acknowledge I may have fumbled by doing what I thought was best in giving them space and time to get use to the idea of me being around, but does that really mean something more than I'd like for them to be ok with us being a family too? Does it throw our stated intentions and what we've agreed we want this relationship to be into question? I don't mean as far as how his daughters see it, I'm trying to understand Drama's posts about how we need to figure out our own relationship. I understand the thought that we need to shit or get off the pot, but not how that means we don't know what we want with each other or that neither of us really wants to be a family. Give it it to me straight, please. I think you're doing just fine. You've handled it very well so far, and just need to figure out the next step.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 27, 2018 12:47:01 GMT -5
Mmm. Not sure I agree you need to go all in or all out right now. The situation you've described with the girls and the ex seems neutral and something you could work on improving with a little time and patience. Jumping in with both feet and being the "new mom" immediately sounds like a surefire way to blow things up. If the girls already are concerned about their alone time with their dad, that situation really needs to be addressed in some fashion before you take away all their alone time with their dad.
That doesn't mean I think you need to choose option A (never be there). But if you and SO decide you want to be a longterm couple, then phasing into the relationship with the girls - including a plan on how you bond as a family - seems like it would have a better chance of success than overnight always being there.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Feb 27, 2018 12:47:23 GMT -5
Can someone please explain to me how being mindful of his children's feelings means we are not ready to be a family? Even if that's not where he's coming from, that's where I'm coming from and I don't see how that means I don't want it. Now I acknowledge I may have fumbled by doing what I thought was best in giving them space and time to get use to the idea of me being around, but does that really mean something more than I'd like for them to be ok with us being a family too? Does it throw our stated intentions and what we've agreed we want this relationship to be into question? I don't mean as far as how his daughters see it, I'm trying to understand Drama's posts about how we need to figure out our own relationship. I understand the thought that we need to shit or get off the pot, but not how that means we don't know what we want with each other or that neither of us really wants to be a family. Give it it to me straight, please. As you had thought that moving in together was what was going to happen soon, now if that is not going to happen, how will things go? Will you visit your BF and his kids in what is their home? Will they visit with you? Maybe just logistics? Again, when his kids are staying with him, it is their home as well as his. At this time, you're a visitor. Maybe this has something to do with their attitude? We've given you a plethora of opinions. Some have caused you to think a bit and maybe some are things you already knew and have thought about? Maybe we said some things(remember, we know only the limited amount you've shared and can't get the nuances and details of your personal life) that struck a nerve or just weren't what you wanted to hear. It's cool.....this is your personal life and the way in which you are going to live it going forward.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 27, 2018 13:13:04 GMT -5
Can someone please explain to me how being mindful of his children's feelings means we are not ready to be a family? Even if that's not where he's coming from, that's where I'm coming from and I don't see how that means I don't want it. Now I acknowledge I may have fumbled by doing what I thought was best in giving them space and time to get use to the idea of me being around, but does that really mean something more than I'd like for them to be ok with us being a family too? Does it throw our stated intentions and what we've agreed we want this relationship to be into question? I don't mean as far as how his daughters see it, I'm trying to understand Drama's posts about how we need to figure out our own relationship. I understand the thought that we need to shit or get off the pot, but not how that means we don't know what we want with each other or that neither of us really wants to be a family. Give it it to me straight, please. You two are entering a new phase of your relationship. You have been discussing moving in for awhile but haven't pulled the trigger. Now you are talking about building a family with his kids. If your long term goals are to live together and for you to take on a step mom roll then you should discuss it and formulate a plan. You've given him a year to think. What do you want to happen in that year? What benchmarks will you guys use to determine where you are headed and use to decide in a year if you will move forward or separate? I'll admit maybe I am weird but I had soul searching conversations with DH each time we hit a milestone. I wanted to know we were on the same page and if how he planned on getting us there line up with what I had in mind. Sometimes it was clear from the get go other times we had to table the conversation. If we agreed to table it stayed tabled until the undecided party was ready to talk or we hit whatever time point we agreed to reevalute. We didn't have other people to consider. You guys got his kids decisions about you as a couple affect them. You guys should determine what your goals are, create a path to getting there and then communicate it to them before you leap into a bigger role. This is really where a professional who deals with blended should come in. They know all the complexities involved better than a message board.
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Deleted
Joined: May 18, 2024 0:57:18 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 13:28:34 GMT -5
Can someone please explain to me how being mindful of his children's feelings means we are not ready to be a family? Even if that's not where he's coming from, that's where I'm coming from and I don't see how that means I don't want it. Now I acknowledge I may have fumbled by doing what I thought was best in giving them space and time to get use to the idea of me being around, but does that really mean something more than I'd like for them to be ok with us being a family too? Does it throw our stated intentions and what we've agreed we want this relationship to be into question? I don't mean as far as how his daughters see it, I'm trying to understand Drama's posts about how we need to figure out our own relationship. I understand the thought that we need to shit or get off the pot, but not how that means we don't know what we want with each other or that neither of us really wants to be a family. Give it it to me straight, please. As you had thought that moving in together was what was going to happen soon, now if that is not going to happen, how will things go? Will you visit your BF and his kids in what is their home? Will they visit with you? Maybe just logistics? Again, when his kids are staying with him, it is their home as well as his. At this time, you're a visitor. Maybe this has something to do with their attitude? We've given you a plethora of opinions. Some have caused you to think a bit and maybe some are things you already knew and have thought about? Maybe we said some things(remember, we know only the limited amount you've shared and can't get the nuances and details of your personal life) that struck a nerve or just weren't what you wanted to hear. It's cool.....this is your personal life and the way in which you are going to live it going forward. The youngest one made it clear that I'm not just a visitor when she tried to make a case for why I should clean up the mess they had all made in the kitchen before I got there. She specifically said "you're not a guest, you have clothes in the closet and everything". I let Dad handle that one.
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Deleted
Joined: May 18, 2024 0:57:18 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 13:43:47 GMT -5
Mmm. Not sure I agree you need to go all in or all out right now. The situation you've described with the girls and the ex seems neutral and something you could work on improving with a little time and patience. Jumping in with both feet and being the "new mom" immediately sounds like a surefire way to blow things up. If the girls already are concerned about their alone time with their dad, that situation really needs to be addressed in some fashion before you take away all their alone time with their dad. That doesn't mean I think you need to choose option A (never be there). But if you and SO decide you want to be a longterm couple, then phasing into the relationship with the girls - including a plan on how you bond as a family - seems like it would have a better chance of success than overnight always being there. Yes, like I said earlier, we're going to continue with the 2 homes for now. And we're going to talk about some of the things mentioned in this thread. Actually, I already mentioned to him your thoughts about him letting them know when I'll be around and what the plans are. It was something I could bring up without having a long drawn out conversation. He agreed that he should probably do better with that and he said he will. He knows from dealing with me that everybody isn't like him and things tend to go smoother with some people if they know what to expect. He's come a long way with communicating with me, but that doesn't mean it carried over and improved how he communicates with his daughters, so I'm really glad you brought up about me not just being there unexpectedly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 14:30:24 GMT -5
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk with him about how his daughters may perceive the situation (thanks to the posters that enlightened me on that) and whether I should make more of an effort to be engaged with them and how. I do think I need to show them that I'm interested in them as individuals, they aren't some unwanted part of a package deal. I'm still going to let him take the lead concerning his daughters and I'll stay in a supporting role. I already come and go as I please at his apartment, we'll handle weekends and time with the girls as he sees fit. I'll also suggest that he consider talking to a professional to get some guidance.
The time frame I've given him will stand. If we don't make any progress or the situation doesn't improve by then, I'm going to settle back into my house and resume some of the stuff I've put on hold. I won't be as willing to move after that, but he can move in with me. I don't really see that happening though, the location is a real issue. We'll just have to see what happens and go from there, cuz that's all I got.
I really appreciate everyone that shared their thoughts and opinions. Thank you!
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countrygirl2
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 7, 2016 15:45:05 GMT -5
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 27, 2018 21:07:13 GMT -5
The one girl is 16, couple of years she will either be in college or on her own. Then the other will be 16 by then, so not much more time to deal with that either, I like the idea of renting out your house and finding one together, within those 4 years you both should see how this works out. They are not going to be there that many more years, if you can get through those it should work out ok.
Good luck
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Feb 27, 2018 21:17:42 GMT -5
I'm totally late to this party, so I do realize that this conversation has been a mostly concluded. (Also, I wanted to make sure I said hi to Pink Cashmere! HI!!!)
Please know I've done slightly more than skimming, so I may have missed where some of my points have already been addressed.
I think there's been a lot of good points about how the kids could be perceiving the situation. I also think there's going to be teenage attitude involved, and that must be taken into account.
Here's where I'm going to go off of the deep end: I'm going to talk to you has the kids' mom. Yes, I'm absolutely projecting, but the reality is, I've been on the other side of this table. My intention is to give you a bit of insight as to how the kids' mom might feel.
I understand those who have said that people should just be glad when there are more people to "love a kid". HOWEVER, as someone with low self-esteem, it's really threatening when there's another person to take my place. It doesn't matter if you don't intend to replace the mom. That's what the threat feels like--this person is going to do a better job than me and my kids won't want to be with me anymore. In no way am I insinuating the you or your BF have caused the kids or the mom to think this. It's just what happens, and the mom is probably being defensive.
For the kids, if when the SO is there every.single.time. the girls show up--regardless of whether or not the parent and the SO live together/are married, the kids will become resentful. They still want time with just their dad. The reality is that should happen in all parenting situations. The kids should get time with each individual parent and individually (one kid/one parent).
IF
crap, I stopped writing so I could pull dinner out of the oven. I seriously forgot where I was.
Now I need to go pick up DD from dance. I'll be back later.
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