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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 6:50:22 GMT -5
So one other thought I had thinking about this...it's also possible your feelings about their mother are slipping through and they're seeing that as well. Frankly, I think you ARE viewing him through some rose colored glasses on some topics (which isn't to say she's being great...but I think some of the things you're dinging her for are fine on her part).
Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore:
:: His ex-wife assigned him that day to pick their daughters up from school.:: He didn't have to agree. Just the language you're using carries weight...might be seeping through where you don't intend?
::I saw the texts when she embarrassed her teenage daughters by refusing to let them take any clothes when they went to spend the weekend with him. She was mad about money and determined to make him spend some and he did because he bought them some clothes so they wouldn't have to wear the same ones every day they were with him.:: This is what he SHOULD be doing...he should be providing clothing for them when they're with him.
::One day she was bringing them to the apartment, realized I was there and made them go home. Because she "didn't realize they had a babysitter" and she didn't want somebody she didn't know around her kids. :: His time with them is HIS time with them...I'd be annoyed too if I was bringing my kids to see their parent and that parent wasn't there and didn't bother to tell me they wouldn't even be there. Lots of custody agreements have right of first refusal...so if it's your time...and you're not actually going to be with them, the other parent has the right to spend time with them.
None of this is to say that she's doing the right thing in a lot of circumstances based on what you're saying...but he's clearly either dropping the ball...or there's this sense of being a victim to do the things he's supposed to do (assigned a day to pick them up from school, forced to spend money on clothes for them (classifying it as a "stunt"). People's true feelings tend to show themselves even when we don't intend...it's totally possible that the girls see this from you even if you try to hide it when you're around them. It's bad enough when that feeling comes through and it is for legitimate reasons...but you seem angry that he's doing things that he is SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Even where he's falling short and she's upset...you're still jumping to his defense even though he's in the wrong (you picked him...so that's understandable especially if it's a hostile situation in general, we tend to defend "our side" rather than give in), but that's certainly not going to help things. Look at it from the children's perspective...this stuff seeps through...it's one thing when your one parent is an "opponent" of your other parent...it's another thing entirely when a non-family member is an opponent of your parent...even if you think your parent might be wrong...it just makes you circle the wagons against the non-family member. All of this is to essentially say, watch your language around the kids...and you're probably trying to...but understand that even that negative energy tends to slide in where you didn't intend and show itself (I mean look at the language you used on the days you guys go to pick them up...assigned...it sounds more like a chore than a time to spend with the kids).
Please understand that I don't think he's perfect, but I do think he does what he's suppose to and tries to be a good Dad. I like that about him, even though I won't be having any kids with him! If I get angry it's because no matter what he does, whenever there's a time he can't do something for a legitimate reason, all hell breaks loose and he's told that he NEVER does anything for them. No, I don't like that, because it's just not true. Also, he and I NEVER discuss any of this when the kids are there. I have children myself, I know better. I would never say or even hint at anything negative about their mother in front of them or when they're in the house period. I'm not even sure they know that I know some of the things I do. A lot of this, I think is just stuff people go through when they have children. Even the stuff with his ex-wife. Unfortunately not every couple can find a way to coparent peacefully after a divorce. I have kids myself, so I know this and I don't get bent out of shape about it. I'm not walking around angry with anybody, not even their Mother. One last thing, the thing about picking the kids up from school, he agreed to do it, just like he agrees to do other things that I appreciate you taking the time again to share your thoughts with me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 7:07:18 GMT -5
@pinkcshmere how have you been? Been missing you [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/wink.png" alt=" " src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png" class="smile"] I will keep my answer short : either get off the toilet or take a shit already! *sorry for the visual* A) you have been dating long enough and still wrestling with a question you had last year. You guys should have taken a month tops to decide: hey we are doing this or not... not a year. You ain’t no young snapper and time is wasting! B) Deciding above would have let both ex and kids known if you are “permanent” or just “passing through”. Sorry we are humans and we need to fit people in a nice little box and right now they cannot figure you out and you are all over the place: either there for pickups or not there for weekends to give them space. C) If you become a permanent figure (maybe even put a ring on it; channel your inner *Beyoncé* or Queen Bee) they will start treating you or your presence as a permanent figure. Cannot get mad as someone that is always there because their ass ain’t going nowhere: they are always there. D) STOP half ass’ing this... I cannot stand people that half ass shit. You either a family Unit for good or your not; stop playing house... you are too old for that shit. Become the official “woman” of the house or “bow” out. Become their step mommy or get out the picture. PICK A SIDE woman! Basically summary of A, B and C E) to re-inforce what hoops I think said: your boo is being dad... maybe doing more than most if not all dead beats do or more you expected from your kids fathers (again we see things through our own glasses colored by own life/bias) but he is not doing anything more than I would expect from a dad (except for the clothes thing, sorry I disagree with hoops there, that was just “thriffling” lol). While yes kids should have clothes at both residences (or I would expect they do); if you know they don’t... using your kids to get back at your ex is a “low move” for any parents I don’t care what excuse you use. ——> word of advice as a child of divorce with 3 ex step moms and 1 step dad: take the children and love them as your own, treat them as your own... regardless of their mother’s actions. ——> don’t ever bad mouth their mother (even deep down you really want to) in front of them or around them and encourage your boo to do the same; a child gut instinct is to protect their mama and hate your ass no matter how right you are and how wrong she is. Just put a smile on, example that clothing situation and say: don’t worry babies, we got you. Guess we are going to go shopping (with a smile on)... and start stockpiling clothes for them at your place... ——> last but not least: channel your inner Michel Obama because you are going to need it: when they go low, you go high. Always take the high ground no matter how bad you want to get in the gutter (and times will come when you get tested ... even more when you become the official lady of the house). Damn, and I thought this was going to be short! Sorry! Hey there Carl! I'm glad you posted! Yes, I see how you and some of the others see it as us waffling, or half-assign things and maybe we are. Honestly, when we talk, he says and in my head, that we didn't want to do it until we thought the girls could be ok with it. I'm going to think about this some more, and try to figure out if that's really it or if it's a handy excuse. No matter what though, it's absolutely true that I don't want to put them in a situation that's going to make them uncomfortable or miserable. I don't think he's doing any more than Dads are suppose to do. I don't think it's unreasonable though to expect them to not dismiss the things he does do, and tell him he's a horrible parent that never does anything for his daughters. Thanks for your advice as a step-child. I think I have most of that covered, except that I could be more engaged with them. The rest of it, I already do. Thank you!
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 27, 2018 7:36:31 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2018 7:48:18 GMT -5
I think you should be kind and polite and as warm as possible to the girls. And, sounds like you are very wise in not taking teen angst personally. But, in reality, of course they are hostile to you. Not you as a person necessarily but they have divided loyalties between mom and dad and their world was turned upside down when they split up. So, honestly, I think you should just be pretty scarce where they are concerned. Just leave them be and when the youngest one is 18, then get married if that is what you desire. But, he is always going to be their dad and you are going to always have to deal with him taking care of them, giving them money, etc. That doesn't end at 18. There will be college expenses, weddings and on and on. So, if you are in for the long haul, that is just something you need to accept.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 27, 2018 8:18:52 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me. Blended families can be a wonderful thing. I'm also of the mindset that the more people that love a child, the better it is for that child. Village and all that. I also think it's good when people can recognize something important about themselves. I also have no desire, ever to do a blended family.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Feb 27, 2018 8:39:30 GMT -5
It's probably time to sit down with you boyfriend and have "the talk". Based on your post it sounds like you have both been dancing around the issue but have never actually taken the bull by the horns. It's time to "shit or get off the pot" as the saying goes.
I wouldn't take any steps to involve yourself more in his daughter's lives if neither of you have actually committed to you taking on that kind of role. That's only going to lead to more confusion.
NomoreDramaQ1015 , I'm not sure what issue you are referring to and what bull we need to take by the horns. Can you please clarify? As far as committing to a role, he wants us all to be a family like I do. Is that what you meant? Im sorry I'm so confused. The way I see it, and I'll take Drama's point a bit further, your boyfriend's first responsibility and priority is to his children. Not his girlfriend. He sounds like a good man who is trying very hard to provide for his kids as well as spend time with them and devote himself to what they need in order to maintain a sound relationship with them. The truth is that quite often, that doesn't allow him to be able to put as much into his other relationship. There's only so much he can do. Teenagers come with their own challenges whether or not Mom and Dad are together. They often have a very heightened sense of selfishness that is a normal part of growing up. It doesn't leave much room for considering how other people feel. Especially Dad's GF. Whatever you or he think of their Mom, she is just that and isn't going anywhere. He'll always on some level have to deal with her and her behavior. I would suggest that you DO NOT move in with him at this time. A recipe for disaster considering, as I said, that his top priority is the girls. He is NOT in a position to be in a live in arrangement with you. He is NOT in a position to remarry. It would be ill advised, from MPOV and take from it what you will, for you to move in together. . I don't think he should, at this time, take on the added responsibility of a live in GF. NOPE. I would suggest you maintain your own home and continue seeing him when you can. Recognize the reality of this situation. He is a Dad first. And it sounds like he's a good Dad. He needs to be allowed the freedom to continue to make his girls a priority while he is still supporting them and they are living at home with their Mom. I think PC, that if he truly wanted to live with you, then it would have been done already. I would stay in my own home....no way is it advisable to insert yourself into his personal domestic life with his kids. When they're grown in a few years and maybe not dependent on him as much, then maybe reconsider, but absolutely not now. JMHO.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 8:42:03 GMT -5
I think you should be kind and polite and as warm as possible to the girls. And, sounds like you are very wise in not taking teen angst personally. But, in reality, of course they are hostile to you. Not you as a person necessarily but they have divided loyalties between mom and dad and their world was turned upside down when they split up. So, honestly, I think you should just be pretty scarce where they are concerned. Just leave them be and when the youngest one is 18, then get married if that is what you desire. But, he is always going to be their dad and you are going to always have to deal with him taking care of them, giving them money, etc. That doesn't end at 18. There will be college expenses, weddings and on and on. So, if you are in for the long haul, that is just something you need to accept. I've even told him to stop taking some of what they do personally. Some of it is just what teenagers do. They have their own struggles as they get closer to adulthood, hormones jumping around, figuring out who they are, finding their sense of self separate from their parents, and whatever else they go through. His parents have been married over 40 years and when he talked to his Mom about this, she told him pretty much the same thing you said. That he should put his life on hold until the kids are adults. I respect parents' choice when they decide to do that (I pretty much did it myself) but if that's not what they really want and they just do it because it's "expected" of them, it can make them very unhappy and possibly resentful, and an unhappy, resentful parent is not good. Just my opinion. As far as the things that don't end at 18, I'm very well aware of that. You must not remember my posts about my own children lol. I don't expect him to abandon them when they turn 18. I'm good with that.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2018 8:50:24 GMT -5
As long as you know going in , and it sounds like you do. I mean, every relationship is complicated in some way. However, if he chooses to be resentful that is on him. He choose to have 2 children with his ex. And, it didnt' work out so now he has to deal with what is. And , that means doing what is best for his children regardless of what he would like or prefer. And, doing it with a good attitude, because any resentment is going to be internalized by his daughters as resentment towards them.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 9:05:28 GMT -5
It's probably time to sit down with you boyfriend and have "the talk". Based on your post it sounds like you have both been dancing around the issue but have never actually taken the bull by the horns. It's time to "shit or get off the pot" as the saying goes.
I wouldn't take any steps to involve yourself more in his daughter's lives if neither of you have actually committed to you taking on that kind of role. That's only going to lead to more confusion.
NomoreDramaQ1015 , I'm not sure what issue you are referring to and what bull we need to take by the horns. Can you please clarify? As far as committing to a role, he wants us all to be a family like I do. Is that what you meant? Im sorry I'm so confused. The way I see it, and I'll take Drama's point a bit further, your boyfriend's first responsibility and priority is to his children. Not his girlfriend. He sounds like a good man who is trying very hard to provide for his kids as well as spend time with them and devote himself to what they need in order to maintain a sound relationship with them. The truth is that quite often, that doesn't allow him to be able to put as much into his other relationship. There's only so much he can do. Teenagers come with their own challenges whether or not Mom and Dad are together. They often have a very heightened sense of selfishness that is a normal part of growing up. It doesn't leave much room for considering how other people feel. Especially Dad's GF. Whatever you or he think of their Mom, she is just that and isn't going anywhere. He'll always on some level have to deal with her and her behavior. I would suggest that you DO NOT move in with him at this time. A recipe for disaster considering, as I said, that his top priority is the girls. He is NOT in a position to be in a live in arrangement with you. He is NOT in a position to remarry. It would be ill advised, from MPOV and take from it what you will, for you to move in together. . I don't think he should, at this time, take on the added responsibility of a live in GF. NOPE. I would suggest you maintain your own home and continue seeing him when you can. Recognize the reality of this situation. He is a Dad first. And it sounds like he's a good Dad. He needs to be allowed the freedom to continue to make his girls a priority while he is still supporting them and they are living at home with their Mom. I think PC, that if he truly wanted to live with you, then it would have been done already. I would stay in my own home....no way is it advisable to insert yourself into his personal domestic life with his kids. When they're grown in a few years and maybe not dependent on him as much, then maybe reconsider, but absolutely not now. JMHO. You articulated some of the things I've been trying to explain about why we still have separate homes. But other posters seem to feel like us waiting is fueling some of the problems. I'm so confused. And no, I don't believe that we would already be living together if that was what he really wanted, not if he truly believes it could be detrimental to his children or his relationship with them. He wouldn't make such a huge move without considering his children, and that's as it should be. And i know for a fact that the issues he's concerned about are real. Now, he could be blowing smoke up my ass about wanting us to live together and using them as an excuse not to, but if it's just an excuse, it's one I can't argue with, because I understand and agree that their well being is priority and I also want them to be ok with their living arrangements. I don't want a bad situation either.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 27, 2018 9:07:02 GMT -5
As far as getting to know them/spending time with them, I'd probably tell them that I would like to get to know them better and ask them what they would like to do.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 9:13:19 GMT -5
As long as you know going in , and it sounds like you do. I mean, every relationship is complicated in some way. However, if he chooses to be resentful that is on him. He choose to have 2 children with his ex. And, it didnt' work out so now he has to deal with what is. And , that means doing what is best for his children regardless of what he would like or prefer. And, doing it with a good attitude, because any resentment is going to be internalized by his daughters as resentment towards them. I wasn't speaking of him specifically when I mentioned resentment, he doesn't resent his daughters. I was speaking generally, when people live according to others' expectations of them instead of being true to themselves. I think parents have to forgo having their own lives and all of their interests to be good parents. Everything needs balance. Just my opinion. ETA: I meant "I *don't* think parents have to forgo having their own lives..."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 9:15:50 GMT -5
As far as getting to know them/spending time with them, I'd probably tell them that I would like to get to know them better and ask them what they would like to do. I can do that. But y'all are confusing me. Come closer, no stay away, no just GO away! What the world?!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2018 9:20:56 GMT -5
As long as you know going in , and it sounds like you do. I mean, every relationship is complicated in some way. However, if he chooses to be resentful that is on him. He choose to have 2 children with his ex. And, it didnt' work out so now he has to deal with what is. And , that means doing what is best for his children regardless of what he would like or prefer. And, doing it with a good attitude, because any resentment is going to be internalized by his daughters as resentment towards them. I wasn't speaking of him specifically when I mentioned resentment, he doesn't resent his daughters. I was speaking generally, when people live according to others' expectations of them instead of being true to themselves. I think parents have to forgo having their own lives and all of their interests to be good parents. Everything needs balance. Just my opinion. OK. But, people can only put their expectations on you if you let them. Everyone has to do what is right and best for them. One of the lessons I have taught my kids is that sometimes other people might be "disappointed" in you if you are leading your life on your terms and that is ok. For example, DD had to choose between a sports related event and a band event. And, one of them was going to be disappointed because there was a conflict. I mean, that is a minor thing, but you get my point. In life we are all going to disappoint other people who prefer their own agenda, oh well. So, dont' worrry about their disappointment or expectations.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Feb 27, 2018 9:22:01 GMT -5
If the phones are always in their face, I encourage you to try out more group activities away from technology that will create memories and more bonding. Adventure days like canoeing, kayaking or hiking. Concert tickets or a festival. Family cook together night, game night, movie night, make-over night, self portrait painting night, etc. Life is busy, but if you're mindful about the time together, the outcome might surprise you.
There is hope on the other side. My parents divorced when I was young and my mom tried her hardest to poison us against our stepmother. My step mother took a lot of abuse from my older sister. But they came out okay and have been married over 30 years now. The time she had to deal with us was small in comparison to the big picture. I give her a lot of credit for hanging in there cooking for us, doing our laundry, cleaning, financially supporting us and remaining neutral while my dad did the parenting. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 9:22:43 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me. Blended families can be a wonderful thing. I'm also of the mindset that the more people that love a child, the better it is for that child. Village and all that. I also think it's good when people can recognize something important about themselves. I also have no desire, ever to do a blended family. I think blended families can be wonderful too. Ive been doing and considering a lot of things these past few years that I previously had no desire to do. We can start with being in a serious, committed relationship lol. And a man with minor children at that. I definitely didn't see any of this coming, but here I am.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 27, 2018 9:28:48 GMT -5
As far as getting to know them/spending time with them, I'd probably tell them that I would like to get to know them better and ask them what they would like to do. I can do that. But y'all are confusing me. Come closer, no stay away, no just GO away! What the world?! I vote for get closer.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2018 9:35:49 GMT -5
I don't think living together would be a good idea. I think either continue as you are or get married. Right now, and if you lived together, you are just viewed as Dad's girlfriend versus being married.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Feb 27, 2018 9:47:13 GMT -5
The way I see it, and I'll take Drama's point a bit further, your boyfriend's first responsibility and priority is to his children. Not his girlfriend. He sounds like a good man who is trying very hard to provide for his kids as well as spend time with them and devote himself to what they need in order to maintain a sound relationship with them. The truth is that quite often, that doesn't allow him to be able to put as much into his other relationship. There's only so much he can do. Teenagers come with their own challenges whether or not Mom and Dad are together. They often have a very heightened sense of selfishness that is a normal part of growing up. It doesn't leave much room for considering how other people feel. Especially Dad's GF. Whatever you or he think of their Mom, she is just that and isn't going anywhere. He'll always on some level have to deal with her and her behavior. I would suggest that you DO NOT move in with him at this time. A recipe for disaster considering, as I said, that his top priority is the girls. He is NOT in a position to be in a live in arrangement with you. He is NOT in a position to remarry. It would be ill advised, from MPOV and take from it what you will, for you to move in together. . I don't think he should, at this time, take on the added responsibility of a live in GF. NOPE. I would suggest you maintain your own home and continue seeing him when you can. Recognize the reality of this situation. He is a Dad first. And it sounds like he's a good Dad. He needs to be allowed the freedom to continue to make his girls a priority while he is still supporting them and they are living at home with their Mom. I think PC, that if he truly wanted to live with you, then it would have been done already. I would stay in my own home....no way is it advisable to insert yourself into his personal domestic life with his kids. When they're grown in a few years and maybe not dependent on him as much, then maybe reconsider, but absolutely not now. JMHO. You articulated some of the things I've been trying to explain about why we still have separate homes. But other posters seem to feel like us waiting is fueling some of the problems. I'm so confused. And no, I don't believe that we would already be living together if that was what he really wanted, not if he truly believes it could be detrimental to his children or his relationship with them. He wouldn't make such a huge move without considering his children, and that's as it should be. And i know for a fact that the issues he's concerned about are real. Now, he could be blowing smoke up my ass about wanting us to live together and using them as an excuse not to, but if it's just an excuse, it's one I can't argue with, because I understand and agree that their well being is priority and I also want them to be ok with their living arrangements. I don't want a bad situation either. There's your answer.....you already know this. He isn't comfortable with moving in, or, as I said, he would have done it.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Feb 27, 2018 10:07:28 GMT -5
Have the two of you, by chance, talked to a professional counselor about these issues? I think, were I you, that's what I'd do. I'd sit down with a psychologist well-versed in family dynamics and lay it all out there for discussion. Someone who's dealt with these issues and who has no dog in the race might be able to offer some observations the two of you haven't thought of because you're so close to the issues. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your guy sounds like a wonderful person and a caring, thoughtful parent - as do you. The girls are lucky to have the two of you in their corner.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 10:21:43 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me. just more confirmation that I'm "single man poison". Good to know...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:22:06 GMT -5
I don't think living together would be a good idea. I think either continue as you are or get married. Right now, and if you lived together, you are just viewed as Dad's girlfriend versus being married. Well, as of last week (the last time we seriously talked about all of this) we are going to continue as we are. I feel like he does still need time to sort things out with his children. In the meantime, I can take some of the advice given here if he agrees to it. I feel like a gypsy, because we spend a few days or a week or so at his place, then a few days or a week or so at mine, depending on what's going on. My house is about 30 minutes of mostly highway driving from his apartment. It's too complicated and I don't feel "settled". And last week, right or wrong, I actually used Drama and Carl's phrase and told him we're going to have to shit or get off the pot because I need to be settled or be settling somewhere by this time next year. That's my limit. If that means I settle back into my house, fine. But if I do that, I'm going to be here for a good while because I'll be back to putting money into it to get everything the way I want it. He can move in with me in the future if he wants. If I settle into a whole 'nother house with him, that's fine too. Me moving into his apartment was never on the table. I spend a lot of time at his, but I don't want to live in an apartment. We've tentatively discussed marriage, but that won't be happening in the immediate future, if ever. If we got serious about it, the earliest would be next year.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:27:06 GMT -5
You articulated some of the things I've been trying to explain about why we still have separate homes. But other posters seem to feel like us waiting is fueling some of the problems. I'm so confused. And no, I don't believe that we would already be living together if that was what he really wanted, not if he truly believes it could be detrimental to his children or his relationship with them. He wouldn't make such a huge move without considering his children, and that's as it should be. And i know for a fact that the issues he's concerned about are real. Now, he could be blowing smoke up my ass about wanting us to live together and using them as an excuse not to, but if it's just an excuse, it's one I can't argue with, because I understand and agree that their well being is priority and I also want them to be ok with their living arrangements. I don't want a bad situation either. There's your answer.....you already know this. He isn't comfortable with moving in, or, as I said, he would have done it. I'm not comfortable with it either, given the situation with his children, or I would've been pushing the issue to go ahead with it. Which I'm not. So that means what?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:32:17 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me. just more confirmation that I'm "single man poison". Good to know... Nooooo! No you aren't.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 27, 2018 10:36:58 GMT -5
Not sure which avenue (get closer, stay away) is the right one - nobody knows that but you and him. But either way, some consistency in the scheduling might help. It sounds like while you are incredibly respectful and kind, your presence is still viewed as an intrusion on their time - which is made worse by the fact that it (you being there) happens at unpredictable intervals. In other words, the girls don't have any clue when you'll be there so when it does happen - even if it's occasional and not offensive - it's something different than what they expected. Many kids don't deal with things being different than they expected, even if that different thing isn't negative. They have a picture in their mind of what will happen and if that scenario doesn't happen, it's a problem. You may only be there once every 4 or 5 visits, but if that time you're there is not what they expected, that change is unwelcome.
I had to become very familiar with this because both of my boys have this characteristic. They both set very clear expectations in their mind of what a situation or outing or event is going to be, and if things are different they're totally thrown off. Obviously as they've gotten older they've become more mature about handling this and I've become more aware of it so can head things off at the pass, but it still can be a factor. BTW, the different/unexpected thing doesn't even have to be something they don't like for it to be viewed as negative, it's the change or difference that is the issue. So you're not necessarily the issue if this is what's happening, it's just that you being there is not what they pictured.
A first step might be to set a schedule of when you'll be there and for what events. That way the girls know in advance it's "extended family" time, not "alone with dad" time and your presence isn't a shocker to them. Just removing the randomness of the situation might help smooth the way to a better relationship.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 10:38:54 GMT -5
just more confirmation that I'm "single man poison". Good to know... Nooooo! No you aren't. lol, well not just me - all single parents! I'm not gonna lie, if I was childless I probably wouldn't date a guy with kids either. I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone with kids now, but it's rife with issues. Kids complicate even happy relationships (putting the kids above everything), so they will definitely throw a monkey wrench into a blended family-type situation. Pink, these issues you're having aren't great, but this could be a lot worse. Like Milee said, the fact that you're even thinking this much about it is awesome. It just sucks to hear that so many people are basically of the mindset that if you're a single parent you should wait until your kids are adults before dating.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 27, 2018 10:39:52 GMT -5
Not sure which avenue (get closer, stay away) is the right one - nobody knows that but you and him. But either way, some consistency in the scheduling might help. It sounds like while you are incredibly respectful and kind, your presence is still viewed as an intrusion on their time - which is made worse by the fact that it (you being there) happens at unpredictable intervals. In other words, the girls don't have any clue when you'll be there so when it does happen - even if it's occasional and not offensive - it's something different than what they expected. Many kids don't deal with things being different than they expected, even if that different thing isn't negative. They have a picture in their mind of what will happen and if that scenario doesn't happen, it's a problem. You may only be there once every 4 or 5 visits, but if that time you're there is not what they expected, that change is unwelcome. I had to become very familiar with this because both of my boys have this characteristic. They both set very clear expectations in their mind of what a situation or outing or event is going to be, and if things are different they're totally thrown off. Obviously as they've gotten older they've become more mature about handling this and I've become more aware of it so can head things off at the pass, but it still can be a factor. BTW, the different/unexpected thing doesn't even have to be something they don't like for it to be viewed as negative, it's the change or difference that is the issue. So you're not necessarily the issue if this is what's happening, it's just that you being there is not what they pictured. A first step might be to set a schedule of when you'll be there and for what events. That way the girls know in advance it's "extended family" time, not "alone with dad" time and your presence isn't a shocker to them. Just removing the randomness of the situation might help smooth the way to a better relationship. this is great advice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 10:40:32 GMT -5
Have the two of you, by chance, talked to a professional counselor about these issues? I think, were I you, that's what I'd do. I'd sit down with a psychologist well-versed in family dynamics and lay it all out there for discussion. Someone who's dealt with these issues and who has no dog in the race might be able to offer some observations the two of you haven't thought of because you're so close to the issues. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your guy sounds like a wonderful person and a caring, thoughtful parent - as do you. The girls are lucky to have the two of you in their corner. No, we haven't talked to a professional. I don't think it's a bad idea though. Thank you for your kind thoughts mmhmm.
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milee
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Post by milee on Feb 27, 2018 10:42:26 GMT -5
And now I know why son said he would never marry someone else who already had kids, I guess he saw to many problems from blended families out there in the world. And I commend anyone that can deal with all this, sure not something I could do. I read through the thread, I'm different I would likely just walk away, but that's just me. just more confirmation that I'm "single man poison". Good to know... Yes and no. You are obviously a good mom and it would be very important to you that any new guy understand that your son will always be a priority and that this has to work with the new guy... so better the guys that aren't OK with this arrangement not waste your time. Plenty of good guys will understand this, so better to narrow the pool to only those anyway.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 27, 2018 10:42:33 GMT -5
I don't think that not moving in together is causing issues. Teenagers are going to have issues no matter what you do.
I think I'd try to have more activities with the 4 of you to get to know them better (at least start with that instead of outings with you and just the girls since their mom creates drama), but know that they're at the age that hanging out with friends is more important to them and that's okay too.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Feb 27, 2018 10:45:33 GMT -5
I am not a big fan of the “put your life on hold” while raising a child mantra for divorced parents or single parents. My MIL did that and while she does not regret it, it can get lonely being alone. As she said: she does not miss the “husband” but she miss having a “companion”: someone to do things with, talk to, travel with. For now she has a few friends and sisters filling in that role but she does not have her “someone”.
My mom did that (thus the age difference between my siblings and I , 17-18 years) and I wish she did not. My stepfather has been such a great influence in my life I wish he was in it longer.
While your kids are priority (and my daughter is ); you can still have a life outside of being a parent. Having someone live you does not take away from you being a parent and most adults that enter relationship with another adult that is a parent usually understand the time constraint/raising kids. If not they are not the one for you: my good friend at 30 married his girlfriend of 2 years and suddenly became a step dad to a 14 and 9 years old (yes she is older than him). Another friend at 36 became mom to 4 kids after dating their dad for a year...
I am still in contact with 1 step mom and she divorced my Dad when I was 12... so 20 years ago. I still call her mom and she still introduce me as her son.
Sucky people will be sucky people but don’t close yourself off to Meeting wonderful people that are out there just because you are a “single parent”.
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