thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 13:53:58 GMT -5
I just found out that my friend's MIL is suing her for unlimited access to her kids. My friend is a widow, and her MIL feels that my friend isn't honoring the children's heritage, and wants to be able to be there, often, without restriction. MIL told someone that she has enough money to keep it alive in court until my friend is drained and will voluntarily give her custody.
Frankly, I think this will die in court, and then MIL will kidnap the prized male child and take him out of the country. I'm terrified - for my friend, for her kid, for my kids. Frickin' nightmare.
Anyone ever deal with a full-scale lunatic as an in-law? Anyone ever afraid their kid would just disappear at the hands of someone they knew? What did you do to protect yourself and your kid?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:00:31 GMT -5
I have seen some 20/20s (or similar news shows) about parents where one is non-US born and the non_US born parent takes the kids back to the home country. it is a nightmare getting them back. Just don't let the kids be taken is the best thing. If she needs to tell the kids that the Grandma is evil and not to be trusted, so be it.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:02:59 GMT -5
Kids are the same age as mine, 8 and 10.
It sounds like (I've only heard one side, so you can grain of salt this) the MIL is asking for something totally outlandish. I'm not sure she is in touch with reality. And that is why I'm afraid she will just take the kid(s). If they were fussing over 2x per week vs. 1x per month, and they were negotiating, I would think it was just a weird family dynamic, but with the constraints of being able to walk into the house, whenever, pick up the kids from activities unannounced, and keep the kids overnight, if she wishes. Along with having the legal rights to get school records, medical records, etc. - when the judge laughs and says "NFW" what options does MIL have? Will she sulk away? I doubt it!
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:06:23 GMT -5
My friend is trying to not do that, because Grandma is one of the few things they have left that ties them to Dad. But she says if she has to, she will.
Right now she has told the kids they aren't allowed to go anywhere with Grandma (she shows up at school and says she is picking them up, and they will get on the bus and go home.) She has also told all the coaches that Grandma isn't allowed to pick them up from games or practices, nor are they allowed to get the schedule directly from the coaches. Most of their sports are Dad-coached, so it is difficult for these guys, but they just fuss around "Oh, I'll have their mother email the schedule to you." and things like that. [/span]
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,724
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Mar 18, 2013 14:06:50 GMT -5
Unfortunately the easiest way to protect herself would be to move to a state that doesn't recognize Grandparent's rights at all. The next best thing is to find out what the laws say about Grandparent's rights where you live and go from there.
I think your friend needs to stop any visits that aren't supervised in her home going forward. She might want to have at least another friend over for those visits to run interference and be a witness. Grandma is asking for too much and seems like she wants to bankrupt her friend perhaps as much as she wants to see the kids.
If I were really worried and the laws weren't good for me in my state, I'd seriously consider moving to a state that MIL would have no legal say.
|
|
Malarky
Junior Associate
Truth and snark are equal opportunity here.
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 21:00:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,313
|
Post by Malarky on Mar 18, 2013 14:08:28 GMT -5
I'm torn about grandparents rights. It's one thing if there is no reason to keep the kids away from a grandparent. It's another if it's done for the protection of the child.
My kids have never met my parents. That's because I was sexually abused by my father as a child. And my mother protected the abuser, not me. So the only way my parents would ever have access to my children is over my dead body, and probably not even then. I have others who know my story and would put my children first.
that my friend isn't honoring the children's heritage,
No matter what the grandparents want, it isn't their place to decide how the children will be raised. In all ways, shapes and forms, my kids were raised differently from me. I can think of a thousand instances where my parents would object/do something differently.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,268
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 18, 2013 14:10:48 GMT -5
If your friend is concerned she should make sure to discuss it with the kids' daycare and/or school. Make it known that she and ONLY she (and father if applicable) can pick up the kids. Under no circumstances can anyone else sign out the kids.
She'll need to fill out a form and they'll honor it. At my daycare if someone shows up that is not someone DH and I approved of they won't let Gwen leave and will call us and the cops if applicable.
Even if approved, unless it's an emergency, they won't let her leave till they've reached us and cleared it.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:15:14 GMT -5
She did put in a legal something that says the MIL can only see the children for supervised visits. I'm not totally sure what that entails - if she is the supervisor, or there is a neutral party or something. I know at one point the MIL was saying that my friend wasn't even really the kid's mother. And she is worried that MIL is telling the kids some messed up crap. She put the kids into counseling to make sure they have an outlet for the controversy, and they are learning how to deflect some of it.
Those poor kids, haven't they been put through enough?[/span]
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,743
|
Post by raeoflyte on Mar 18, 2013 14:15:33 GMT -5
Honestly I'd go with optimists suggestion and move. It sounds awful, but the fear that grandma could kidnap the kids would probably make me do it.
Short of that, I'd get a custody lawyer to set up court ordered supervised visits with grandma and get the courts to revoke any other access to the kids.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:17:54 GMT -5
[/span]
Unfortunately, that stops after daycare. The school is aware of the situation, but they are already in hot water, because they released some records to her, and my friend brought it to their attention that it was illegal to do that. The school is now back peddling away from the situation, as they think she will sue them, and I'm sure that the district lawyers are giving them advice to cover their own ass. [/span]
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:18:48 GMT -5
I can see telling someone the father isn't the real father, but how is she making a 'not the mamma' statement Is she delusional? I'd be involving as many legal entities as I could...
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 18, 2013 14:19:04 GMT -5
...:::"MIL told someone that she has enough money to keep it alive in court until my friend is drained and will voluntarily give her custody.":::...
This is something I've always been afraid of -- some sicko with a lot of resources bleeding me dry just for the fun of it.
It sounds like the mother has already taken a good number of protective measures. It sounds like the father is no longer in the picture, possibly no longer of this world?
It sounds like research into state laws, and consulting an attorney are the next steps.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,743
|
Post by raeoflyte on Mar 18, 2013 14:19:33 GMT -5
Didn't see that they already have supervised visits.
I'd check with the therapist for the best wording, but the kids need to know that grandma is unstable and not to go anywhere with her.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:20:01 GMT -5
[/span] Unfortunately, that stops after daycare. The school is aware of the situation, but they are already in hot water, because they released some records to her, and my friend brought it to their attention that it was illegal to do that. The school is now back peddling away from the situation, as they think she will sue them, and I'm sure that the district lawyers are giving them advice to cover their own ass. [/span][/quote] uh, try covering their ass if they let a kid be kidnapped from their care... Ths is all the more reaon they should be working for mom...
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:22:38 GMT -5
LOL - I don't know how they can claim she isn't the mother. I was wondering they had an egg donor, maybe? I didn't know them back then, but the children didn't come without modern medical procedures. I'm assuming she gave birth to them - who knows, maybe they were surrogate.
I'm wondering if it was more of an emotional statement, rather than a physical statement. More of a "I love you like a mother does, but your mother is not a real mom, she works all the time and..." whatever delusional things you could come up with.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:24:03 GMT -5
My friend is a widow. He has been gone for almost 3 years.
Not sure MIL has come to terms with the fact that her son is dead. Grandson is the replacement son. (Maybe.)[/span]
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,268
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 18, 2013 14:28:03 GMT -5
Unfortunately, that stops after daycare.
Really? I swear I remember my dad having to fill out a sheet saying who was okay contact and pick us up.
Wouldn't stop MIL trying to pick them up after school, but I remember I couldn't be pulled out by anyone other than my dad.
What about speaking privately to the teacher/princpal depending on how young their are. My elementary school principal used to supervise drop-offs and would wait with kids till mom/dad arrived.
Worth asking about.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Mar 18, 2013 14:28:19 GMT -5
Does your friend live in a State where grandparents even HAVE rights? Many States do not acknowledge any rights of grandparents.
If she's really a problem, maybe a restraining order is called for?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:29:41 GMT -5
Does your friend live in a State where grandparents even HAVE rights? Many States do not acknowledge any rights of grandparents. If she's really a problem, maybe a restraining order is called for? even with a restraining order it is going to be too late if the grandma takes them to another country. The only people that are going to be able to stop it are the kids themselves. They have to be taught to be vigilant.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Mar 18, 2013 14:31:35 GMT -5
Does your friend live in a State where grandparents even HAVE rights? Many States do not acknowledge any rights of grandparents. If she's really a problem, maybe a restraining order is called for? even with a restraining order it is going to be too late if the grandma takes them to another country. The only people that are going to be able to stop it are the kids themselves. They have to be taught to be vigilant. Well she's gonna have to be pretty rich (bribery) or pretty crafty (or both) to get kids out of the country without passports. Wow I feel sorry for that mom and those kids.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:32:04 GMT -5
I think it will come to a restraining order, and the kids being told that Grandma is crazy.
It is just one thing to teach your kids stranger danger, but them having to carry the burden that they might get hurt by someone they know and love. Heartbreaking.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 18, 2013 14:32:06 GMT -5
Would she be able to take them to another country? I'm thinking about passports. It's not like the crazy one can get them without reams of paperwork.
Kitten beat me to it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:32:14 GMT -5
If they have passports, I would surrender them.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:33:13 GMT -5
Would she be able to take them to another country? I'm thinking about passports. It's not like the crazy one can get them without reams of paperwork. Kitten beat me to it. Getting out of the country is pretty easy without a passport. Getting back in is another story.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:35:07 GMT -5
I asked my husband this, and asked him if it would be easier for her to get a brand new passport for the kids, or do what is necessary for a replacement passport if they already had one. He said the scariest thing would be if she broke into the house (or whatever) and found the real, existing passports. I asked my friend if she wants to put them in a safety deposit box that is in my name. She said they aren't in the house. Not sure where they are, but she made it sound like they are safely hidden.
[/span]
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:38:23 GMT -5
I honestly would surrender them.
I couldn't get the kids new passports without both parents being present ( or reams of extra paperwork...)
every time we have left he country they have checked kids passports? She could smuggle them I guess, or try fake papers if he is very wealthy.
eta. Surrender the passports, not the kids, in case that wasn't clear!
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Mar 18, 2013 14:44:00 GMT -5
The FBI handles kidnappings. It might not be a bad idea to call them up and see if there is anthing they can do to make it harder to smuggle the kids out of the country.
They also make small GPS devices that can be put in coats and shoes. Putting some in without telling anybody might not be a bad idea.
I'm not sure if moving will help that much if the crazy inlaws have any resources. If the OP's friend will have a legitimate job, she'd still be pretty easy to track down.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:45:30 GMT -5
I don't think grandma can take them out of the country easily. First, she would need access to passports. Second, she would need a letter from parent(s) allowing her to take the kids. Without either of these, it would be hard but I am sure if she has unlimited money it can be done.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 4, 2024 22:46:01 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2013 14:53:34 GMT -5
Honestly, moving might be wors, because if she's trying to hide, and gma finds her, he has no real contacts. I think I'd stay where I am and be s loud as possible... Get as many protective services as possible set up...
unless the state has generous grandparent rights, then maybe move and be loud and proavtive in he new place....
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,412
|
Post by thyme4change on Mar 18, 2013 14:53:39 GMT -5
She owns a service business, so moving would be pretty difficult. Her entire family is here. She would move if she had to, I'm sure.
|
|